Monday, October 14, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Franco Friday #49: The Blood of Fu Manchu
Franco Friday #49: The Blood of Fu Manchu
I was gonna review Mansion of the Living Dead but you know what? I don’t need to see Lina Romay burying her face in a woman’s -you know- gothic cavern. So fuck it, I’m gonna review a Fu Manchu movie even though I don't think I'm going to like it. Hey, it’s October. Happy Francoween or whatever. Aren’t you glad you read my blog? Well, I’m glad you do.
The Blood of Fu Manchu
Directed by Jess Franco
1968
Christopher Lee, Richard Greene, Howard Marion-Crawford, Gotz George, Maria Rohm
90 minutes
Holy racial stereotypes, this plot is complicated! The evil Fu Manchu (played by Christopher Lee) has kidnapped a group of lovely ladies in order to carry out his plan. What is his plan? To master the world, of course! Fu Manchu and his daughter, Lin Tang (Tsai Chin), use the bodies of these fine ass bitches to be vessels for a terrible poison, delivered upon his enemies with their kisses.
Meanwhile, an archeologist named Carl Jansen (Gotz George) is determined to find the lost city of Whateverthefuck where Fu Manchu now calls his secret hideout. He and fellow archeologist Dr. Wagner are attacked by Fu Manchu’s minions and the doctor is killed. When Jansen attempts to meet up with Ursula Wagner (Maria Rohm), the niece of the dead doc, he gets arrested for his partner’s murder.
Double meanwhile, in London, Nayland Smith (Richard Greene) is one of Fu Manchu’s intended victims. One of his women, Celeste (Loni von Friedl), kisses poor Nayland but he doesn’t immediately drop dead as intended, he just goes blind. Knowing he only has a short time left before the poison kills him, Nayland intends to find Fu Manchu and stop his evil plan.
Making things even more difficult for poor old Fu Manchu is a bandit named Sancho Lopez (Ricardo Palacios) who likes to steal his supplies. One of Fu Manchu’s ladies shows up to the town where Lopez is raping and pillaging. She begins to dance in a "sensuous manner". Her target is Lopez but before she can deliver the death kiss, the bandito psycho shoots her. Since that plan was a magnificent failure, Lin Tang and a small gang of Fu’s soldiers raid the town and kill everyone except Lopez. Wha? They torture Lopez until he agrees to work for Fu Manchu.
Because he’s such a good chess player, the charges against Jansen are dropped. He meets up with Urusula and tells her about her uncle. They decide to travel back to where they were ambushed and they meet up with Nayland on the road. Now it’s a race against time or something because when the moon is full, Nayland will die and Fu Manchu’s plan will be complete. You see, he intends to kill millions with an airborne version of the poison if the world does not bow to him. Holy shit, I still have half an hour of movie left.
Did the world really need more Fu Manchu in 1968? Did Maria Rohm really have to dress like a dang Boy Scout? I have absolutely zero interest in the Fu Manchu character but I thought I’d give this flick a go. Christopher Lee’s voice (as usual) is amazing. Every line he speaks is friggin’ quote worthy: “The moon is full, the moon of life, let her taste the kiss… of death.” The only person in the cast who even comes close to stealing his fire is Tsai Chin. She is awesomely evil and I’m actually more afraid of her than Fu. It’s because she’s a woman and women are scary!
The cinematography and editing are both great plus there some decent action (let me emphasize the word “decent”), half-naked beautiful women in chains, and gong-banging! The plot definitely starts to meander after the first hour. The writers just keep throwing more and more confusing shit at the viewer but they eventually run out of steam. The film has a decent score from Daniel White, there's lots of Jess Franco-isms that you might dig, and the rest of the cast is pretty fun. In the end, The Blood of Fu Manchu is kind of drab but pretty okay and I am sort of glad I watched it.
“They tell me you can dance. Tonight, you will dance for the last time.”
Monday, October 7, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Unseenly Madhouse
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
HTITDS #39 - The Howling/Silver Bullet
Brad and I continue our crazy productive streak with yet another new episode of the show. We can't keep going like this, can we? No, we can't. But hey, who cares, right? Let's live for today. Or tomorrow. Whatever! Please listen to our new episode:
Episode #39 - The Howling/Silver Bullet
Did someone say "archived episodes"?
Thursday, September 19, 2013
HTITDS - Episode #38 - Kairo/Sick Nurses
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Franco Friday #48 - How to Seduce a Virgin
Franco Friday #48 - How to Seduce a Virgin
Wow, we are dangerously close to the end of this thing. I know you've heard this from me before but I really, really feel like I am ready for something new. There definitely needs to be a long time and a vast space between me and Jess Franco's films. The thing is, I am full of dread every time I start a Franco title and that's just not right. Instead of taking another break, I'm going to fight my way through and be done with it. I have chosen 8 more Jess Franco films (including this one) to round this out. So #55 will be my final Franco Friday. Okay, enough business, how about some pleasure?
How to Seduce a Virgin
AKA Plaisir a Trois
Directed by Jess Franco
1974
Starring Alice Arno, Robert Woods, Howard Vernon, Tania Busselier, Alfred Baillou, Lina Romay
82 minutes
Alice Arno plays Martine Bressac, a woman who just got out of the loony bin. For the record, she should have turned right around and walked right back in. In terms of sanity, Martine is an undercooked blueberry muffin. Although it's never made entirely clear if it the reason she was locked up or not: Martine has a vision (or a memory) of slashing a naked man in his genital region (implied) with a straight razor. One thing is for sure, Martine is a sexual predator/serial killer of the highest order. She has a museum of statues made out of beautiful women in her basement.
Since good things come in threes, Martine has two accomplices. The first is her husband Charles (played by Robert Woods). He helps Martine select her victims with his camera and a slideshow! The second is her mute little friend Adele (Lina Romay) whose skills include: moaning like a subnormal, running interference, and performing various somnambulistic sex slave tasks. These evil weirdos set their siights on Cecile (Tania Busselier), the teenage daughter of their neighbors. While the girl's parents are away, Martine and her cronies take care of Cecille by getting her drunk and taking her to sex parties. Predictably, things take an even darker turn when Martine becomes jealous of the attention that Charles is lavishing on Cecille.
I really dig the score for this flick. It has all the funky bass lines, kooky keyboards, fuzz guitars, sorrowful flutes, and jaunty xylophones that you could ever ask for. Is it the only thing I like about How to Seduce a Virgin? Fuckin' almost! The biggest problem are the sex scenes. I know, I know, I sound like a broken record. But seriously, these aren't even good sex scenes. Either Franco was bored, his cast unwilling to play along, or he had some weird producers' criteria of what not to show. There is a threesome where we only see Alice Arno's bare butt and the rest is gyrating and moaning in the darkness for around 3 minutes. I feel humiliolated. That's humiliated and violated. I will admit that Alice Arno is 110% gorgeous in this. Woo! So hot.
This isn't the worst of Franco but it is frustrating because it does have some style and the feeling of dread is palpable. I just wish that the duder had kicked this one into second gear a few more times. The best character is Malou, played by the unusual and dwarfish actor, Alfred Baillou. He is Martine's gardener and he is seriously demented. Supposedly, he saw a bishop fall to his death and the memory of that moment drove him insane. It's a weird little detail that adds to the quirkiness of this rather dull skin flick but I'm afraid that it's too little, too late. There are some twists (okay, maybe one) and some kink (yawn!) but there are much better Franco flicks out there.
"Oh Charles, that little slut really looks like a lecherous bitch!"
Thursday, September 12, 2013
The Friday the 13th moviethon... tomorrow
I've been waiting a little while for this. All I needed was a very special Friday. You know the kind! The type of Friday that falls on a 13th. Or is it the 13th fell on a Friday? Only Jason X knows for sure. I am going to attempt to watch all of the Friday the 13th movies in a row. I will be vlogging short reviews between each film to track the insanity. I decided that since I covered Freddy Vs. Jason when I did the Freddy Cougar Moviethon that I would cut myself a little slack and skip it this time. One more thing, this event will be a moviethon milestone for most movies I've ever watched in a row ever.
The lineup:
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th Part 2
Friday the 13th Part III
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning
Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday
Jason X
Friday the 13th [remake]
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Giallo Meltdown: The Book - Another Update
Hey guys, let's rap.
In case you're just tuning in, let me tell you about Giallo Meltdown. Way back in late 2007 or early 2008, I had the first Giallo Meltdown for my website: Doomed Moviethon. It was a life-changing moviethon. In the course of three days, I watched 21 giallo films. Not only did I have a blast, I also discovered a quivering madness known as "The Vibe" that I have been pursuing ever since. Over the years, whenever I needed inspiration for a moviethon, I would look to my giallo collection and find more fun things there to explore. After the fifth of these Giallo Meltdowns was so well received, someone suggested I turn them into a book.
Since there are so few books on the giallo genre, I felt like I could bring something interesting to the table. I am not making the definitive guide to the giallo here. I am making a fan book with a twist. These films are being reviewed under moviethon conditions. The shortest moviethon in this book is 13 movies. And the longest is 22 movies. These reviews get pretty loopy and I have never stopped myself from writing down even the most ridiculous stream-of-consciousness rants. I also include details like what I was eating, smoking, and drinking during these sensory overload festivals.
Read the first five here:
Giallo Meltdown - Part 1
Giallo Meltdown - Part 2
Giallo Meltdown - Part 3
So where am I at now? As scary as it is to say this, I almost done. The weekend before last, I watched 19 movies for Giallo Meltdown 12. The last movie for that moviethon was the 199th film I've watched for the book. My wife LeEtta recently asked me when this project was going to be over. I told her that I kind of wanted to end on Giallo Meltdown 13 but I was terrified to stop there. I was having too much fun and stopping the moviethons for the book meant stopping something really important to me. She suggested that if I didn't put a cap on it now, the book would never happen. So I decided that Giallo Meltdown #13 would be the last.
I am now selecting the last 16 titles for the book. The final moviethon is tentatively scheduled for the last weekend in September of this year. Needless to say, I am excited and very, very frightened. Finishing these moviethons means that I have to start editing the book and finding a publisher. Spoiler alert: these are things that really scare me.
Please allow me to get personal for a moment. I want to talk about this now because this particular person was a big part of this project and I've wanted to say something about this for a while but I've been a little too depressed to go into it. Over two years ago, my wife's mother Margie was diagnosed with cancer. She fought the good fight but did not win. Last January, Margie left us all behind on planet Earth wondering what to do next.
Margie had been living with LeEtta and I for a year while she was getting herself back into a good place financially. The same week that she landed an awesome new job, she was told about the cancer. The next two years were the most insane, intensely sad, and soul-crushing time of our lives. This was obviously worse for my wife but both of our lives just went on hold during all of this madness. Margie continued to work from home and keep a brave face on things until a stroke she suffered during an operation took her from us.
Margie was always super supportive -some might say "enabling"- of me and my insane need to collect and watch movies that are sometimes unearthed gems and some that are cinematic crap that should have been flushed and forgotten forever. I will never forget staying up late and watching a title as wonderful and sleazy as So Sweet, So Dead with my mother-in-law. I had never seen the movie before and kept kicking myself for springing an unseen title on a family member. And yet, Margie didn't bat an eyelid at the relentlessly trashy subject matter or the violence. She just thought it was a cool movie. It was a truly bizarre evening.
So anyway, I just wanted you to know where this Giallo Meltdown book dealie was at and also where my head has been at for the last little while. Some of you have been with me from the very beginning and some of you might just stopping by for the first time. To both of you and those in between, I say thanks. Thank you so fucking much. I am going to give you guys the best damned (but hopefully not the last) Doomed Moviethon book possible. Giallo Meltdown will contain everything I have to say (at this time, at least) about the giallo genre and a few things I probably shouldn't say- at least not in print where everyone could read it.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
You must now enter... DISCO OF DEATH!
This was a long time in the making. First of all, it took me what felt like forever to acquire all these titles. Then the pure terror of actually sitting down and watching these films took over and I kept putting this moviethon off. I should have held onto that feeling for the rest of my life. When it comes to the following 14 films (watched in just one weekend), living in fear would have been much better. Please read this: Disco of Death!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
HTITDS # 37 - Lady Frankenstein/2 Year Anniversary
It has been a long and crazy road over the last 2 years but Brad and I have held it together (sort of). For our 2 year anniversary show, we talk about Lady Frankenstein starring Rosalba Neri. We also talk about our favorite non-horror directors and some favorite non-horror movies. Fun fun fun fun fun fun funn f ufn fufnf ufndf udnf dufdn fudfndf jkal024 09090.