Saturday, January 29, 2011

Oldsmar Flea Market VHS Raid

The weather was beautiful today. Good thing because it took us 3 hours to get through the entire flea market. Every VHS store had a copy of Xanadu. I made the guy selling coins really mad when I asked about his guitar pedal. Things didn't get weird until we saw this:

Acquisitions (top to bottom):

Riders of the Storm
Curse of the Blue Lights
Deadly Harvest
House/House II
Bride of Re-Animator
Horrible Horror (Hosted by Zacherley)
Wanted Dead or Alive (Rutger Hauer)
The Alchemist
Scared Stiff

Friday, January 28, 2011

Franco Friday #1: Kiss Me, Killer

Franco Friday #1

Hellos and salutations, good people. Welcome to the first "Franco Friday" (pretty original, right?). I am going to be posting a review of a Jess Franco film every Friday from now until... um... I feel like not doing this anymore. I have always had trouble cracking this guy's universe so I decided to just inundate my brain with his films. Of course, what better way to jump in then to pick what I thought would be the least interesting thing and just rock it. All right. Here we go.

Kiss Me, Killer
Directed by Jess Franco
104 minutes
Starring Francisco Acosta, Alberto Dalbes, Alice Arno, Lina Romay, Antonio Mayans

A bunch of gangsters plan a drug heist that, of course, all goes to shit and people start getting killed. Gangster Paul Radeck (played by Francisco Acosta) blames drug dealer Freddy Carter (Alberto Dalbes) for the screw-up and shoots him and his buddy. Believing that Freddy is dead, Paul then marries Linda (Alice Arno), his widow. Things are just hunky dory until one night, at a nightclub, Linda hears the band play a song that her dead husband wrote for her. Is Freddy alive? Let the intrigue begin! A stripper named Moira Ray (Lina Romay) comes along and seems to have some sort of agenda or something. Freddy, who is totally alive, hooks up with Moira and just keeps messing with Radeck’s head until they meet up for a violent showdown.

The opening titles on the copy of this movie on Netflix looks like it was filmed on a roll of toilet paper. Luckily, as the film keeps playing , the quality continually improves. The soundtrack is a drowsy and jazzy and the dubbing is totally outrageous. Is this just some slapped together moments of nonsense, pieces from other films or what? The opening drug heist is filmed and dubbed so poorly that it is almost impossible to know what’s going on. Who are these people? Why did that guy shoot that guy? Oh, there are drugs involved? Whaaaat? And that’s just the first 7 or 8 minutes.

Kiss Me, Killer (a remake of Franco's own 1964 film, La Muerte Silba un Blues) is frustrating and yet it is definitely some interesting stuff, my friends. There are lots of confusing moments and seemingly random tangents and parts that just kind of feel like Jess Franco’s home movies. The funniest scene is when Alberto Dalbes runs into some street punks who try to shake him down and he kicks their asses. An Asian woman, who was watching the whole incident, runs up and shouts, “Ha ha! They got what they deserved!” And that’s the last time she shows up in the movie. It’s quite awesome.

Lina Romay is so great! Whether she’s in the shower, doing a striptease, spray-painting a stripper’s butt with gold paint, licking a statue of David, getting whipped with a belt, whatever! And hats off to her voice actress too for a perfect performance. I have fallen in love with Alice Arno. The reaction she gives when Linda finds out that the love of her life is still alive is fucking brilliant. It’s like someone just told her that the air in her tire is low. The tire isn’t flat. She just needs to put air in it.

Kiss Me, Killer is part softcore sex romp, part listless crime caper, and part jazzy jazz jazz movie that has some cool moments, hidden away in its overly long running time. Much to my surprise, I couldn’t help but get wrapped up in the characters. And speaking of softcore sex, I gotta warn you, this film has lots of it. I’m pretty meh about the whole constant zooming in on a lady’s gooch and what not. So yeah, there’s that. But it’s worth slogging through if you can. The finale where every one of the voice actors reads a paragraph of very helpful exposition is a riot and the director himself plays a guru who raises his hands up in the air and proclaims that the end is near. Perfect.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Doomed Discussiethon: Curse of the Headless Horseman

Yarr! Ye better watch out, ye dang hippies, or the headless horseman will come for ye! And he's got a big bucket of LSD-laced blood to throw on ye. Sometimes ye have to get a movie from a flea market before ye realize how special it is. I know ye- I mean, I know you know what I'm talking about. Brad and I recently watched Curse of the Headless Horseman and despite its subsequent terribleness, we found hope in its hellish hippie soup. So anyway, check out our Doomed Discussiethon. Thanks! Bye! Ye are cool duders! Wait, it's about a headless horseman, not pirates! WTF?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Shock October

Back in 2005, when I started Doomed Moviethon, when my little site had less than 50 reviews, one article, and an interview, I bought a book called Shock December by these three guys who watched 21 horror films in 48 hours. I smacked my forehead so hard that my brain flew out my ass. I've been having moviethons for years! Why the hell haven't I been documenting the dang things?!!?! After that excellent book, I documented my first moviethon proper: Doomed Fulci-Thon. And the rest is history, y'all. Recently, I got to check out the new book from the Shockmarathoners: Shock October. It's a fine read and a hell of a lot of fun. Check out my review right here, duders.

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Falling AKA Alien Predator is ALIVE

Hey folks. Did you miss me? I'm here! Do you still miss me? While I'm off doing stupid crap and stuff, I did stumble onto something fun and splattery. It seems that one of the freaky things from my childhood has surfaced on Netflix's "Watch Instantly" thingie. It's called The Falling AKA Alien Predator. You should totally check it out. Mr. Fancy Pants director Deran Sarafian has gone on to directing things like "House" and "Fringe" and a bunch of other junk. The best thing about Alien Predator on Netflix, it's in friggin' widescreen and it looks great. I don't know how long it will be available and it is really cheesy but check it out and let me know what you think. Hopefully, I'll be back next week with actual content. Take it easy, duders.

Okay, the movie is on Netflix right here.

And you can read my review here damn it.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Be Back Soon

Hey gang. I'm gonna take a little time off here. Nothing is coming together and a few large scale projects are calling to me. But fear not, I'll be back in a big way. And I don't mean fat because I know that's what you thought I meant. Take it easy, heezy.

Monday, January 3, 2011

No Drinkee The Wormee

I didn't know what tequila was when I was 11 years old. I didn't know that there was a friggin' worm in the bottom. I just assumed that the dad in Poltergeist II was drinking some tainted booze or something. So when he starts acting crazy and then vomits up a monster, well I was thoroughly freaked out. The next morning, I poured myself some Minute Maid fruit punch and what do I see in the bottom of my glass? Fruit bits. There were little fruit bits or fruit silt or some crap. I dumped it out. I dumped that juice right down the drain. No way was I going to drink something that would turn into a monster that I would vomit up later. That silly fear would haunt me for years later and I would never finish a glass of any juice that had any kind of pulp in it. Looking at this scene for the first time since I was a kid, I'm astonished that I wasn't more terrified. Yikes.