THE INVASIAN: A Haunted Turkish Bathhouse (1975)

Yukino (Naomi Tani) is stuck working in a bathhouse (AKA brothel) because of her utterly worthless and downright evil husband Toriyama (Kôji Fujiyama). Things only get worse when her younger sister Mayumi (Misa Ohara) shows up to live with the couple and even worser than that, Yukino reveals to her dirtbag hubbie that she is pregnant. Toriyama decides that it’s easier to just kill his wife and wall her up in the cellar than it is to not be a garbage person. Now that he’s free to run the bathhouse, he thinks he’s got it made. Luckily, Yukino’s ghost comes back and wrecks shit.

Leave it to Toei Company to make a film that is as fun to watch as it is miserable to sit through. Their knack at combining a hyper-stylized feast for the eyes with depressing subject matter into the same film is actually pretty amazing. The eye-popping supernatural (and very bloody) shenanigans and bawdy comedy are welcome breaks from the rape and torture Yukino and Mayumi go through. They dare to dream beyond a life of sex work and the shitty male-dominated society they find themselves in bends over backwards to keep them in their place. Ugh, I need a drink.

While he’s normally credited as a producer, Hiroshi Babauchi composed some wild music for this film with some crazy synthesizer freakouts paired with jazzy drums. So yeah, my eyes and ears are happy, but my mind is not. A Haunted Turkish Bathhouse (1975) is a rough beauty. Sort of, kind of recommended, I guess. While the fiery finale of this film gave me some Suspiria (1977) vibes, I still prefer director Kazuhiko Yamaguchi’s less rapey trash classic Wolf Guy, released the same year.

Franco Friday #62 - Shining Sex (1977)

 

Oh, hi there. Did you think that this shit was over? No way, duder! So maybe it's been four and a half years since the last time I posted a Franco Friday. Maybe I just took a little break from the old perv. See, I knew you'd understand. Anyway, I was given the delightful task of reviewing Severin's Blu-ray of Shining Sex over at EurocultAV.com. Check out my review right here! And fear not, I actually have a list of even more Franco films that I desperately need to get to. Thanks for sticking with me, you rad people.

Franco Friday #55 - Ilsa the Wicked Warden

One very dark day, my curiosity got the best of me and I watched Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS. I have to admit, I was entertained. It is a solid movie with a nauseating premise and an ending that pays off. Of course, I tried to sit through the other Ilsa movies and that didn't work out so good. I got about 10 minutes into Jess Franco's version and gave up. All I remember about what I saw is that it seemed very cheap, sleazy, and sweaty like a sicko's daydream. I'm sure that it was just a bad first impression.

Ilsa the Wicked Warden
AKA Greta - Haus ohne Männer
Directed by Jess Franco
1977
Starring Dyanne Thorne, Tania Busselier, Lina Romay, Eric Falk, Dagmar Bürger, and Jess Franco
95 minutes

[I am going to spoil the plot to save you from having to watch this.]

The movie starts in the jungle and we hear the sounds of a whip cracking and a woman screaming and moaning. A sexy female voice says "Wicked Warden" lasciviously and it's on. Before the two minute mark, we have women showering, complaining, and cooing nakedly at each at the Las Palomas women's prison (oops, I mean "clinic"). In her own private bath, Greta the "wicked" warden (played by Dyanne Thorne) is having a soak, washing herself luxuriously. I kind of want this movie to be over already.

A girl screams and starts flopping around while the guards try to control the situation. Oh snap, this was just a distraction so another inmate, Rosa (played by Angela Ritschard), can make a run for it. She barely escapes with her life. Dr. Arcos (Jess Franco) manages to save her but he is forced to return Rosa to Greta and the "clinic". Later, he finds out that Rosa died shortly thereafter and the body cremated.

Horrified by the incident, Dr. Arcos pleads to the worldwide community to shut down Las Palomas but with no evidence, they tell him to get stuffed. Arcos is approached by Abbie (played by Tania Busselier), Rosa's sister and a total badass, who volunteers to go undercover in Las Palomas to find out what's really going on there. Abbie gets in and is given a number: 41. She is told that if she ever tells anyone her real name, they will burn the number into her breast.

Abbie meets the other lost souls including Juana (Lina Romay), the lead inmate who is in good with Greta. Abbie finds out very quickly that this "clinic" is a sick and evil place where no one escapes. Let's hope that all the prescribed sexual humiliation, genital mutilation, and shock treatments won't keep Abbie from carrying out her plan. Wait, what was her plan again?

Of course, Greta gets word that Abbie has been asking too many questions about what goes on in the "clinic". In a bizarre twist, we discover that Abbie's sister Rosa is alive, hidden in some dark place in Las Palomas. She has been tortured nearly to to the brink of death. Rosa gives up Abbie almost immediately and, on top of that, she names Dr. Arcos as a leader of a terrorist group. Arcos is immediately murdered by the corrupt police. Now the shit had really hit the fan.

How does Greta keep getting away with all of this shit? The "clinic" practically pays for itself. The lead guard (played by Eric Falk) sells films of the torture and sex to a local rich weirdo. Mo' money! Mo' money Mo' money! Of course, it helps that Greta is in bed (literally) with the Governor (played by Howard Maurer). This sleazebag motherfucker is banging Greta and using her "clinic" to eliminate his female political prisoners. I just got to the gang-rape scene. Ugh, just kill me. After Abbie is turned into a gibbering madwoman, the inmates revolt and tear Greta to shreds (literally). The end.

Good news, everyone! I guess I'm not jaded yet. The sleaze is so fucking thick on this film that I need a shower now. Seriously, every couple of minutes, I just felt totally demoralized by what I was watching. Not surprisingly, there is an insane amount of female flesh on display and so many trashy situations that it is impossible to take this crap seriously. That being said, Isla the Wicked Warden is a pretty darn good film for old Jess. The cinematography, editing, and the score are all very good. Ruedi Küttel, who shot Blue Rita, delivers some of the best experimental camerawork I've seen in a Jess Franco flick in a while.

I can't recommend this movie to anyone who is even remotely sensitive in nature. The torture scenes, while not overly explicit, are pretty powerful even by suggestion alone. I'm not gonna lie though, seeing Lina Romay give Dyanne Thorne a nudie massage is well, pretty awesome. Of course it degrades immediately into the naughty kind of acupuncture. And that's part of what makes this film so insane. Every "pleasure" is tempered with something horrible.

My favorite character is Number 9 (played by Dagmar Burger from Blue Rita), the lady who used to be a man. She was into dudes when she was a man and now that she is a woman, she is all lesbian, baby! She tries to help Abbie out and I don't know, she's just likeable. I needed something to grasp onto to keep my happy thoughts during all of this garbage. Good thing this Ilsa movie had a very satisfying ending or else I would have probably flipped out, changed my sex, and checked myself into Las Palomas.

This move also contains boot licking.

"Ah, piss off, you blonde bitch! And you can take your brother, jack him off, and stick him up your singing ass!"

Franco Friday #54 - Opalo de Fuego: Mercaderes del Sexo

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Franco Friday #53: Sinner - Diary of a Nymphomaniac

My friend Brad said something very wise recently. He said, "Take 20 of Franco's best films and they stack up against almost any other director's best work. Take 100 of Franco's films and kill yourself." I'm only halfway to the latter part of that statement but clearly, I'm on the edge already.

Sinner: Diary of a Nymphomaniac
Directed by Jess Franco
1973
Starring Montserrat Prous, Anne Libert, Jacqueline Laurent, Kali Hansa, Howard Vernon, Manuel Pereiro
87 minutes
DVD Studio: Mondo Macabro

A beautiful young stripper picks up a man in a bar and proceeds to get him very drunk. She takes him back to his hotel room where he promptly passes out. Then she frames him for murder. Her own. The man is Mr. Ortiz (played by Manule Pereiro) and he is quickly arrested and put in jail. Ortiz pleads with his estranged wife Rosa (Jacqueline Laurent) to help him prove his innocence. Rosa discovers that the dead girl is Linda Vargas, a troubled young woman with a sad story to tell (from beyond the grave (but not in a zombified way)).

First, Rosa meets up with the Countess Anna de Monterey (played by Anne Libert), a former lover and friend of Linda's. She tells the story of how being raped by Mr. Ortiz when she was very young changed her into a nymphomaniac. Next Rosa goes to another very special friend of Linda's named Maria (Kali Hansa), a stripper and smoker of the drugs. She lets Rosa read Linda's sexy diary and it tells the wildly depressing story of her downfall.

Once again, Franco paints another portrait for us of innocence lost and once again, it's another heartbreaking venture. Sinner: Diary of a Nymphomaniac is also incredibly silly with soap opera plot machinations and narration that sounds like it was ripped from the pages of a seedy romance novel. And what film from 1973 would be complete without the demonization of marijuana and disco dancing sequences?

Of course, the intentions of the writing and direction are heartfelt and meaningful. Unlike my previous complaint about Countess Perverse, rape is not just a throwaway and pointless act; nor is it sexy. In Sinner, rape and its consequences are deadly serious. Linda is an innocent whose mental stability and outlook on life is destroyed by the cruelty of a single incident. She runs from lover to lover trying to fix something that is beyond repair.

Maybe this film should have been called Surrounded by Nymphomaniacs! Although, I think Howard Vernon may be the biggest nympho of them all! I have to tip my hat to this cast. Many of the usual suspects from Franco's early 70s stuff are here and even Yelena Samarina (of Night of the Assassins and Murder Mansion) has a small part! I get the feeling that this film was meant to star Soledad Miranda but due to her untimely death, Montserrat Prous was cast in her place. Was she to be Franco's next muse? If so, what happened? Did she get cockblocked by Lina Romay?

The musical score for Sinner is a lot of fun. It's got all the discordant jazz and acid rock that one expects from films of this era. The camerawork by Gérard Brisseau is quite good but not quite as eye catching as I'd expect from a film as lurid as this. Keep an eye out for an impossible-to-miss-cameo from Franco himself as a police detective. He looks into the camera for a split second as if he's not sure if they're still rolling or not. Priceless.

One thing I couldn't help but notice is how similar Sinner felt to another Franco film I've seen in terms of cast and locations. Lo and behold, Dolls for Sale and this film have not one, not two, but TEN common cast and crew between the two films (thank you, IMDB) which makes me have to assume they were filmed back to back.

"When I'm buried, they can write on the stone: 'One who wanted too much'."

DVD Stuff

Mondo Macabro does another magnificent job on one of their releases. Sinner looks and sounds great! There is no shortage of extras either. Stephen Thrower has two interviews: one about Sinner and one about the cinema of Jess Franco. Both are very good. There is an amazing interview with Gérard Kikoïne, film editor and sound engineer who worked on several Franco films. It's a fun interview and a must see for fans of European cult cinema.

Franco Friday #48 - How to Seduce a Virgin

Franco Friday #48 - How to Seduce a Virgin

Wow, we are dangerously close to the end of this thing. I know you've heard this from me before but I really, really feel like I am ready for something new. There definitely needs to be a long time and a vast space between me and Jess Franco's films. The thing is, I am full of dread every time I start a Franco title and that's just not right. Instead of taking another break, I'm going to fight my way through and be done with it. I have chosen 8 more Jess Franco films (including this one) to round this out. So #55 will be my final Franco Friday. Okay, enough business, how about some pleasure?

How to Seduce a Virgin
AKA Plaisir a Trois
Directed by Jess Franco
1974
Starring Alice Arno, Robert Woods, Howard Vernon, Tania Busselier, Alfred Baillou, Lina Romay
82 minutes

Alice Arno plays Martine Bressac, a woman who just got out of the loony bin. For the record, she should have turned right around and walked right back in. In terms of sanity, Martine is an undercooked blueberry muffin. Although it's never made entirely clear if it the reason she was locked up or not: Martine has a vision (or a memory) of slashing a naked man in his genital region (implied) with a straight razor. One thing is for sure, Martine is a sexual predator/serial killer of the highest order. She has a museum of statues made out of beautiful women in her basement.

Since good things come in threes, Martine has two accomplices. The first is her husband Charles (played by Robert Woods). He helps Martine select her victims with his camera and a slideshow! The second is her mute little friend Adele (Lina Romay) whose skills include: moaning like a subnormal, running interference, and performing various somnambulistic sex slave tasks. These evil weirdos set their siights on Cecile (Tania Busselier), the teenage daughter of their neighbors. While the girl's parents are away, Martine and her cronies take care of Cecille by getting her drunk and taking her to sex parties. Predictably, things take an even darker turn when Martine becomes jealous of the attention that Charles is lavishing on Cecille.

I really dig the score for this flick. It has all the funky bass lines, kooky keyboards, fuzz guitars, sorrowful flutes, and jaunty xylophones that you could ever ask for. Is it the only thing I like about How to Seduce a Virgin? Fuckin' almost! The biggest problem are the sex scenes. I know, I know, I sound like a broken record. But seriously, these aren't even good sex scenes. Either Franco was bored, his cast unwilling to play along, or he had some weird producers' criteria of what not to show. There is a threesome where we only see Alice Arno's bare butt and the rest is gyrating and moaning in the darkness for around 3 minutes. I feel humiliolated. That's humiliated and violated. I will admit that Alice Arno is 110% gorgeous in this. Woo! So hot.

This isn't the worst of Franco but it is frustrating because it does have some style and the feeling of dread is palpable. I just wish that the duder had kicked this one into second gear a few more times. The best character is Malou, played by the unusual and dwarfish actor, Alfred Baillou. He is Martine's gardener and he is seriously demented. Supposedly, he saw a bishop fall to his death and the memory of that moment drove him insane. It's a weird little detail that adds to the quirkiness of this rather dull skin flick but I'm afraid that it's too little, too late. There are some twists (okay, maybe one) and some kink (yawn!) but there are much better Franco flicks out there.

"Oh Charles, that little slut really looks like a lecherous bitch!"

Franco Friday #43 - Eugenie... The Story of Her Journey into Perversion

Franco Friday #43 - Eugenie... The Story of Her Journey into Perversion

In 1970, film fans all over the world cried out for a film and Jess Franco delivered it. Maybe that happened, I don’t know. After a very traumatic move into a new apartment, I can finally get back to old Jess. Finish unpacking? Nah. Watch trash? Yah! Dang it all, I waited way too long to get to this film! I am freakin’ psyched, yo!

Eugenie… The Story of Her Journey into Perversion
Directed by Jess Franco
1970
Starring Maria Rohm, Marie Liljedahl, Jack Taylor, Christopher Lee, Paul Muller
84 minutes

Very few of Jess Franco’s films open as ostentatiously as Eugenie: The Story. A young woman in a see-through nightie is reading a book and we see in her mind’s eye, a sexy and blasphemous ceremony based on the works of Marquis De Sade. She closes the book and goes back to the real world. Her name is Maria (played by Maria Rohm) and she’s a perv. Eugenie (Marie Liljedahl) is Maria’s young friend. She is an angry teenager living at home with her parents who… just don’t understand. What Eugenie doesn’t know is that her father (Paul Muller) is having an affair with Maria.

Maria demands payment for her sexual favors from Eugenie’s father. Her price: Eugenie. She wants Eugenie to come and spend the weekend at her island. Of course, he says yes! Next thing you know, Eugenie is on her way out to the island where God knows what awaits her. Maria’s partner in crime is another terrible perv and super creep named Mirvel (played by Jack Taylor). He is Maria's stepbrother and I don't trust this fucking guy at all.

Maria is going to teach Eugenie how to be a woman (with Mirvel watching with his filthy eyes) but really they are going to sacrifice her to some crazy cult. Oh boy, this is going to be sleazy. To get this party started, they drug her. The only people on the island with souls are the mute servant girl Therese (played by Uta Dahlberg) and Augustin (Anney Kablan) who used to be one of Maria’s playthings. He is now her gardener, boat driver, and guitar player. Mirvel can’t wait for the sacrifice, he just has to rape Eugenie now while she’s under the influence of the drugs they slipped her. Maria convinces Eugenie that her rape was just a dream. Thanks, bitch!

Some freaks, led by Christopher Lee, come to the island dressed like the Ren-Fest got out early. After a nice meal, Maria and Mirvel get Eugenie to smoke some funny cigarettes. She gets wasted and things start getting freaky. And I mean freaky like whips, chains, and tools a blacksmith would use! This time when Eugenie wakes up, she is haunted by the horrors of what happened to her. But where are the marks? Was it a dream? What sexy horrors are in store for Eugenie now that she is completely at the mercy of these nasty weirdos? Will someone please save this naive chick before she descends into a sadomasochistic hell?!?!

I have found yet another intoxicating and naughty gem in the Jess Franco canon. Eugenie… The Story of Her Journey into Perversion (not to be confused with Eugenie De Sade) was right in front of my face the whole time but I just kept putting it off, until now. This is some well-made, high class trash, my friends. Maria Rohn and Marie Liljedahl are so unbelievably hot that my glasses fogged up. As usual with Franco, the camera lingers on their bodies to the point of abstraction. This over-the-top film is painfully stylish and seems like it is filled with horny ghosts.

The musical score by Hans Gunther Leonhardt and the always reliable, Bruno Nicolai, is awesome! The pacing is great too and I was never bored. This film is also lushly and lasciviously lensed by Manuel Merino. But as beautiful as the scenery and the cinematography are, they can’t hide the undercurrent of dread running through the beginning of this film. They also set up the viewer for a fall when acts of sadism at Eugenie’s expense explode on the screen. This film is pure cruelty mixed with style and feverish desire. Highly recommended.

“No modern home is complete without the works of the Marquis.”

Franco Friday #42 - Dolls for Sale

Franco Friday #42 - Dolls for Sale

This week's lesson is this: Never underestimate the Franco. I was really dragging my feet on doing a review this week and especially watching this film. All I knew was that while I was skipping around in the movie, I saw Howard Vernon's bare ass. So yeah, this is the one with Howie V.'s naked bum. Something for the ladies! Or not. So little did I realize that I was about to fall madly in love. Not with Vernon's butt! I fell in love with this movie. Seriously, my friends, this is some top 10 Franco material right here. I Schmidt you not.

Dolls for Sale
AKA Les ebranlées
Directed by Jess Franco
1972
Howard Vernon, Montserrat Prous, Kali Hansa, Anne Libert, Doris Thomas
82 minutes

Al Pereira (played by Howard Vernon) is an unscrupulous private detective who gets in way over his head when he's paid by the lovely Lina (Doris Thomas) to sneak into a dude's apartment and steal an envelope with her name on it from a dresser and bring it back to her. The dude (Manuel Pereiro) wakes up and pulls a gun but Al beats him up and leaves, his mission accomplished. Unbeknownst to Al, someone sneaks in and kills the dude and frames him for the crime.

Now totally desperate, Al turns to his special lady friend and striptease artist, Valentina (played by Montserrat Prous), for help. She uncovers that Lina works with a psycho named Leona (Kali Hansa) at a strip joint called the Flamingo, owned by a suspicious woman named Benny (Anne Libert). All of these ladies -including a sadistic beyatch named Bertha- are somehow involved in a secret sexual society that exists in a place called "The House of Vice".

Al sends Valentina to the Flamingo to get information AKA have lesbian sex with Benny. His plan both works and backfires when Leona recognizes Valentina as Al's girlfriend and kidnaps her. Leona takes Valentina to the "little red room" and tortures her with a long sword while that sadistic beyatch Bertha, Benny, and some random chick cream their jeans over it. Will Al get there in time to save Valentina and can he trust Lina to have his back?

I can't believe what I just saw. Montserrat Prous just slapped Howard Vernon's bare ass! I'm serious. This really just happened. Then they had a love scene. Howard Vernon in bed with a woman? I used to understand the world but now I feel like my blood just turned to LSD and someone handed just me a meth lollipop. Oh and this movie is pretty amazing too.

All joking aside, I love Dolls for Sale. This movie opens with Kali Hansa's naked groin gyrating on the screen and I was all like "Well, this is going to be a fucking chore. At least I can confirm that the carpet does match the drapes." But then this movie just kept getting more and more weird. Vernon playing the sexy and tough noir-ish detective that only diehard lesbians can resist and no man, no matter how poorly choreographed, can defeat? I'm telling you, this shit is out there. It's your standard sexed up thriller (missing about a dozen pages of script) but it plays out so obtusely, it's like everyone in the cast and crew was on Quaaludes.

One thing that stands out is the soundtrack. For once, nobody was dipping into the library music and Daniel Janin's score is consistently cool and always dead on. Cinematographer Gérard Brisseau knows how to keep things visually interesting when things get sleazy and cheap which is pretty much this entire film. The sequence where Valentina is taken to the "little red room" and tortured plays out like a horror scene as the set is bathed in red light and everything just feels naughty and dangerous.

Two more observations before I leave. One thing that struck me as totally genius is that in the midst of all this lipstick lesbian craziness and macho bullshit fantasy overload, a male stripper hits the dance floor and owns it. I mean, this duder OWNS IT! And the funny part is, Howard Vernon can't keep his eyes off of him. Intentional? I think so. Fuck it, I know so. And the other thing that just made me leap out of my skin is this: a character is found dead and Al closes their staring, lifeless eyes with his hand. As he did, the tape rolled and VCR static covered the screen. Whatever French VHS this was sourced from was communicating to me in that moment. I think it wanted to say, "This is what happens when you die. Your tracking goes all funky."

1976 Double Feature: The Sexy Killer & Death Weekend

It seems that every year that I am alive, I get a year older. And every year my birthday is always today, the 4th of August. Weird, right? Anyway, I am here to celebrate with y'all, my internet budz, by checking out a couple more films from my birth year, 1976. Enjoy!



The Sexy Killer
AKA The Drug Connection
Directed by Chung Sun
1976
Starring Ping Chen, Hua Yueh, Wei Szu, Ching Tien, Yang Chiang, Shen Chan
88 minutes

When her sister goes insane after a heroin overdose, Wan Fei (played by Ping Chen) wages her own war against drugs, going undercover as a junkie/hooker and then shaking down (and killing) mofos for information. Her friend Wei-ping (Hua Yueh) is the only uncorrupted cop in the city but his hands are tied. Things get even more complicated when Wen Fei sets her sights on taking down Lung Tou (Shen Chan), a ruthless drug lord and S&M freakazoid, who has his hand in every pot of corruption in the city.



This Shaw Brothers' remake of Coffy is a freakin' riot. It has all the cynicism, sleaze, and melodrama of the original Pam Grier vehicle plus the gratuitous and gleeful slow motion ultra-violence of They Call Her One Eye. And oh my, it all works! The camerawork is perfect and the colors are vibrant and even occasionally searing. From the bombastic opening credit sequence to it's awesome finale, The Sexy Killer's pacing is exceptional with tons of action, over-the-top acting, and disco fabulousness. This might just be my new favorite Shaw Brothers movie. All that's missing is Sid Haig. Highly recommended if you like movies containing hookers, strippers, pimps, drug dealers, and crooked cops.



"Drugs! Drugs! I hate it so much!"



Death Weekend
AKA The House by the Lake
Directed by William Fruet
1976
Starring Brenda Vaccaro, Don Stroud, Chuck Shamata, Richard Ayres, Kyle Edwards
87 minutes

A dentist named Harry (palyed by Chuck Shamata) brings a model named Diane (Brenda Vaccaro) out to his vacation home out in the boonies. He claims that he is having a big get together but this sleazy duder only has one thing on his mind: banging Diane. On the way out to the house, Harry and Diane run afoul of a quartet of violent scumbags led by a guy named Lep (Don Stroud). Thanks to the help of some local yokels, the creeps manage to follow them to the house and they immediately start making trouble. You know this isn’t going to end well. At least, not for Harry.



Home invasion horror meets rape-revenge thriller in Death Weekend, a nasty little piece of 70s insanity that I like more than I should. Director William Fruet would go on to direct some other genre oddities like Funeral Home, Spasms, Killer Party, and Blue Monkey. I can’t find who composed the music for this film but they did a fine job. The music is eerie, pretty, and very good.



I really like Brenda Vaccaro in this film but the script has some pretty terrible moments of “I will speak my thoughts out loud now” and even worse: "ooh am I enjoying this rape?" As usual, her voice is so husky and breathy that it begs parody (not even SCTV could resist) but I really like her character when she gets pushed too far and starts mopping the floor with the baddies. The always dependable Don Stroud steals the film as Lep, a terrifying psycho fuckwad out looking for trouble with his horrible crew of shitpiles. I like how Harry is not only a wimp but also a terrible pervert loser as well. I’m glad the script adds an extra sleazy vibe to the guy but Chuck Shamata barely holds his own and could have gone farther with his role.



While it turned out to be an engrossing and nail-biting film, I wouldn’t call Death Weekend an essential piece of trash cinema. The menace, tension, and mayhem are all delivered successfully but there is little to elevate this above its place among other similar pieces of pointlessly offensive garbage. That being said, I found myself enjoying the film against my will. So if you’re gonna watch this thing, trust me, the end is worth sticking around for. The finale makes up for the uber-unpleasant setup. I’m sure super-producer Ivan Reitman is very proud of this film to this day.



"Jesus, that broad can drive! That pisses me off!"

Franco Friday #26: Virgin Report

Franco Friday #26: Virgin Report

Hey folks, it is officially the halfway mark of the Franco Friday series so here’s a little something special. My good friend Nafa volunteered to review a Franco film and I gladly and gratefully allowed him to take over this week. See you next Franco Friday, y'all.

Howdy, Nafa here - I'm stepping in this week to take over Franco Friday. Just think of me as Simon of Cyrene to Richard’s messianic figure, stepping in briefly to help alleviate the burden of this wall-eyed cross he has chosen to bear for your sins/entertainment.



Virgin Report
AKA Jungfrauen-Report
Directed by Jess Franco
1972
Starring Hans Hass Jr., Eva Garden, Ingeborg Steinbach
71 minutes
Review by Nafa

First off, let me start with the end credit. This whole thing was based on an idea by someone named Art Bernd. When the revolution comes you now know who to drag into the street first and throw up against the wall.


What are you trying to tell us, Mr. Franco?

To the best of my recollection, this is my first Jess Franco film in its entirety. I’ve heard the rumors about his legacy but scoffed and waved any warnings off. I told Richard to just hand me any old film, sight unseen, and I’ll do it. What I got was Virgin Report, a docu-mocku-sexu-mentary with no coherent storyline and a plot which can be summed up in one word, and it’s a favorite word of Mr. Franco: DEFLORATION.



The film was made in a time when things like sociology, history, and humanities were pure conjecture from utter bullshit. It takes you on a voyage through time and culture to the practices of indigenous peoples and their dealings with virginity. Several times throughout, the film reminds you that it was shot on ‘five continents’, and apart from stock footage I figure those five continents are Europe, Northern Europe, Central-Northern Europe, Berlin, and Europe.


This is what African ecstasy looks like.

What semblance of a story there is begins with Adam and Eve, travels through to the Stone Age, and lands firmly in a German discotheque accosting patrons about their virginity. It’s not so much a film as it is an excuse. It’s motto is, ‘Sex macht frei’ (which is a direct quote from the German-language audio). There is a sudden storyline about an unsatisfied Deutsche fräulein who is unsatisfied with her lover and falls into bed with her older, more experienced neighbor. Kind of like ‘Friends’, only funny. But, just as the story gets steamy, it jumps back to the history lesson, where in one scene we are treated to actual African men... and a Caucasian woman in blackface.



However, I don’t want to give the impression that this film doesn’t teach you something about culture. The indisputable facts I’ve learned from this film are:

- Indians sit nude in anthills for weeks to quash any carnal desires.
- Sicilians to this day use kidnapping and rape to signify intent of marriage.
- Greeks invented the silver dildo.
- Native Americans have sex with trees.
- Indian islanders (WTF?) have sex on hammocks in front of stock footage.
- Amazonian women circumcise men with their sharp blades on their teeth—and it doesn’t hurt.
- Central American women use a serrated knife on themselves to eliminate their virginity.



By far the best (and most cohesive) contribution to this film is the soundtrack, which is up to 1970s finest. It’s pure bliss. Thank you for the slight sedation, Rolf Bauer and Daniel White. And look for the tuba-flatulent priest and the non-German speaking Italian, also brief highlights.


... and SCENE.

I’m not sure what else I can say about this film that hasn’t already been said in obscene gesticulations and strong language. What I will say is, here, take your goddamned cross back, Rick.

More Nafa here.