So what about issue #2, you ask? Well, I assure you there will be an issue two and it is going to be friggin' awesome. We have so much badass content lined up that I am shaking with Eurohorror vibe-ations. Articles, reviews, interviews, original artwork, and more. Hot damn, I can't wait! I don't want to go into it all now but rest assured, I will be back with more information on issue #2 later.
Hello!
Do you like William Shatner?
Do you like Tampa?
Sure, we all do.
Nafa returns to Hello! This is the Doomed Show and this time we are talking about Impulse from 1974 starring William Shatner, filmed right here in wonderful Tampa, Florida. That's right, we finally took a little break from talking about Rob Zombie (by listener demand!) and delved into something so freakin' insane that it transcends the genre. What genre is that exactly? I'm still not sure. Be sure to listen close for a cameo from Sparkles the cat.
Clambake is a wonderful of example of Elvis not giving a fuck anymore. There are several scenes in this film where his emoting amounts to a drowsy stare that gives me the creeps. The plot in one sentence: The son of a wealthy oil tycoon trades places with a water ski instructor to see if he can make it on his own, impress a girl, and win a boat race.
Between the aforementioned abysmal Presley-acting, Bill Bixby playing a villain we're supposed to kind of like(?), hippie happening-esque moments in the vein of "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In", boring boat racing, and a horrifyingly schmaltzy musical number called "Confidence" -think of it as the worst rendition of "High Hopes" you can imagine but worse- this movie is all over the place. The insane cuteness of Shelly Fabares (I'll be getting back to her in Girl Happy and Spinout) and the eye candy from the female extras kind of win me over, truth be told.
Fans of cool cars, Fender guitars, wacky situations, garish cinematography, and above all, bad friggin' movies, need only apply. Don't get me wrong, this one is staying in my collection because it is so enjoyably bad. Even the DVD from MGM looks like no one gave this movie a second thought. This has one of the poorest transfers I've seen an Elvis movie get so far. Pretty sad.
For all of you purists of the show who are like "Who was that Nafa guy?" or "Who is this Jeffrey character?" and "WHERE THE HELL IS BRAD?!?!!", don't worry, Brad will return! Dats a promise. We are dealing with a whopper of a schedule conflict and I've invited some nice folks to talk to me while we get our respective acts together again.
If you're new to the show, please check out the archive of past episodes.
Nine years ago I had this crazy idea to bring my own unique take (*rolls eyes*) on horror movies to the world.
300+ reviews and dozens of articles and moviethons later, I'm still going.
I thank all of you who have supported or contributed to Doomed Moviethon over the years. You are awesome.
One very dark day, my curiosity got the best of me and I watched Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS. I have to admit, I was entertained. It is a solid movie with a nauseating premise and an ending that pays off. Of course, I tried to sit through the other Ilsa movies and that didn't work out so good. I got about 10 minutes into Jess Franco's version and gave up. All I remember about what I saw is that it seemed very cheap, sleazy, and sweaty like a sicko's daydream. I'm sure that it was just a bad first impression.
Ilsa the Wicked Warden
AKA Greta - Haus ohne Männer
Directed by Jess Franco
1977
Starring Dyanne Thorne, Tania Busselier, Lina Romay, Eric Falk, Dagmar Bürger, and Jess Franco
95 minutes
[I am going to spoil the plot to save you from having to watch this.]
The movie starts in the jungle and we hear the sounds of a whip cracking and a woman screaming and moaning. A sexy female voice says "Wicked Warden" lasciviously and it's on. Before the two minute mark, we have women showering, complaining, and cooing nakedly at each at the Las Palomas women's prison (oops, I mean "clinic"). In her own private bath, Greta the "wicked" warden (played by Dyanne Thorne) is having a soak, washing herself luxuriously. I kind of want this movie to be over already.
A girl screams and starts flopping around while the guards try to control the situation. Oh snap, this was just a distraction so another inmate, Rosa (played by Angela Ritschard), can make a run for it. She barely escapes with her life. Dr. Arcos (Jess Franco) manages to save her but he is forced to return Rosa to Greta and the "clinic". Later, he finds out that Rosa died shortly thereafter and the body cremated.
Horrified by the incident, Dr. Arcos pleads to the worldwide community to shut down Las Palomas but with no evidence, they tell him to get stuffed. Arcos is approached by Abbie (played by Tania Busselier), Rosa's sister and a total badass, who volunteers to go undercover in Las Palomas to find out what's really going on there. Abbie gets in and is given a number: 41. She is told that if she ever tells anyone her real name, they will burn the number into her breast.
Abbie meets the other lost souls including Juana (Lina Romay), the lead inmate who is in good with Greta. Abbie finds out very quickly that this "clinic" is a sick and evil place where no one escapes. Let's hope that all the prescribed sexual humiliation, genital mutilation, and shock treatments won't keep Abbie from carrying out her plan. Wait, what was her plan again?
Of course, Greta gets word that Abbie has been asking too many questions about what goes on in the "clinic". In a bizarre twist, we discover that Abbie's sister Rosa is alive, hidden in some dark place in Las Palomas. She has been tortured nearly to to the brink of death. Rosa gives up Abbie almost immediately and, on top of that, she names Dr. Arcos as a leader of a terrorist group. Arcos is immediately murdered by the corrupt police. Now the shit had really hit the fan.
How does Greta keep getting away with all of this shit? The "clinic" practically pays for itself. The lead guard (played by Eric Falk) sells films of the torture and sex to a local rich weirdo. Mo' money! Mo' money Mo' money! Of course, it helps that Greta is in bed (literally) with the Governor (played by Howard Maurer). This sleazebag motherfucker is banging Greta and using her "clinic" to eliminate his female political prisoners. I just got to the gang-rape scene. Ugh, just kill me. After Abbie is turned into a gibbering madwoman, the inmates revolt and tear Greta to shreds (literally). The end.
Good news, everyone! I guess I'm not jaded yet. The sleaze is so fucking thick on this film that I need a shower now. Seriously, every couple of minutes, I just felt totally demoralized by what I was watching. Not surprisingly, there is an insane amount of female flesh on display and so many trashy situations that it is impossible to take this crap seriously. That being said, Isla the Wicked Warden is a pretty darn good film for old Jess. The cinematography, editing, and the score are all very good. Ruedi Küttel, who shot Blue Rita, delivers some of the best experimental camerawork I've seen in a Jess Franco flick in a while.
I can't recommend this movie to anyone who is even remotely sensitive in nature. The torture scenes, while not overly explicit, are pretty powerful even by suggestion alone. I'm not gonna lie though, seeing Lina Romay give Dyanne Thorne a nudie massage is well, pretty awesome. Of course it degrades immediately into the naughty kind of acupuncture. And that's part of what makes this film so insane. Every "pleasure" is tempered with something horrible.
My favorite character is Number 9 (played by Dagmar Burger from Blue Rita), the lady who used to be a man. She was into dudes when she was a man and now that she is a woman, she is all lesbian, baby! She tries to help Abbie out and I don't know, she's just likeable. I needed something to grasp onto to keep my happy thoughts during all of this garbage. Good thing this Ilsa movie had a very satisfying ending or else I would have probably flipped out, changed my sex, and checked myself into Las Palomas.
This move also contains boot licking.
"Ah, piss off, you blonde bitch! And you can take your brother, jack him off, and stick him up your singing ass!"
I finally decided to watch Dario Argento's Dracula 3D. Here are two lists I made while watching it; one for the good and one for the bad. Also, let it be known that the copy streaming on Netflix looks like utter shit. It is way, way too bright. I plan on buying the Blu-ray of this film for a proper look at it. But for now, here is my first impression of this huge flop of a movie.
The Good:
Asia Argento!
Thomas Kretschmann!
Rutger Hauer!
I really dig the score by Claudio Simonetti. (Nice theremin, duder.)
Corny Eurohorror atmosphere!
Bad dubbing.
The non-CGI sets and locations are great!
Weird Argento crap.
Gore!
Atmosphere - wind, lightning, graveyard, castle, old library, etc.
Nudity!
Homosexual overtones.
Great lighting.
The axe scene (Tenebre reference?).
Dracula's swarm of fly entrance (Phenomena reference?).
I really like the actress playing Mina (Marta Gastini).
The Bad:
The flying-through-the-village opening credits look like shit.
The Dracula-owl looks like shit.
The train station looks fucking shit. What the fuck?
The wolf transformation scene is the best that the computers of 1997 had to offer.
The script is very silly.
People that should be dubbed, aren't.
Cheesy sound effects.
The acting is bad, especially from Asia Argento and the duder playing Jonathan Harker.
I really don't like the vampires turning to dust in this. More poor CGI.
The praying mantiss scene is insanely dumb.
10 minutes too long.
"Thank God I had enough garlic for one bullet."
