Franco Friday #38 - Attack of the Robots

Franco Friday #38 - Attack of the Robots

This was really tough for me. I really, really wasn't in the mood for this film at all. Yes, even I am not in the mood for fun, adventure, and silly times once in a while. Excuse me for livin'!

Attack of the Robots
AKA Cartes sur Table
Directed by Jess Franco
1966
Starring Eddie Constantine, Francoise Brion, Fernando Rey, Mara Laso, Dina Loy, Sophie Hardy
89 minutes

A series of assassinations of ambassadors from all over the world are committed by some very strange, dark-skinned men (and women!). The police manage to capture one of the assailants and try to question him but he is unsresponsive. The suspect tries to flee and the cops gun him down. As he dies, his skin changes from black to white. As more and more of these assassins are caught, the police discover that the only thing these random men (and women!) have in common is an abnormality in their blood called "Rhesus zero". Is your pseudo-science alarm going off yet?

Interpol decide to pick one of their agents with "Rhesus zero" and send them out into the field as bait. They get former secret agent, Al Peterson (played by Eddie Constantine), to go down to Spain to try and lure the baddies out. Down in Spain, under the pseudonym Frank Froiba(?), Peterson meets the lovely Cynthia Lews (Sophia Hardy), a striptease artist, but every time he makes a little time for her, some Mexican ruffian cock blocks him by insisting that they duke it out. Meanwhile, an evil Chinese syndicate led by Lee Wee (Vincente Roca) is out to kill Peterson because he refused to be their double agent.

Finally, Peterson catches Lady Cecilia Addington Courtney (played by Francoise Brion), the mastermind behind the assassinations, snooping around his hotel room. She is kidnapping people with "Rhesus zero" and turning them into robots. Evil organizations from all over the world pay her to send these automatons out to commit assassinations so that they can keep their hands from getting dirty. Can Peterson get to the bottom of this crazy plot without becoming a robot slave to Lady Cecilia himself?

You know what? You should just get naked now because this movie is about to charm your pants off. All the bad women in this wear vinyl, what's not to like? If you enjoyed such films as Kiss Me Monster or (to a lesser extent) The Girl from Rio, then you will love Attack of the Robots. Every cheesy gag, no matter how droll or eye roll-inducing, is thrown into the mix but this flick is never lazy or cynical. This is a fairly innocent romp (even the striptease is tasteful) with lots of action and laughs.

You know what I don't like about this movie? Eddie fucking Constantine! His bloated visage just rubs me the wrong way. Lucky for this guy, the movie is so fun that I kind of just got used to him so as not to spoil my enjoyment. He is described by his colleagues as being "full of vinegar" -I just assume this is some kind of urinary problem he has- and is always somewhere in the world with a sexy blond on his arm. A blond what?

You know wha- Oops, I can't start every paragraph with that. Um... The other thing I can complain about is the whole black-face bit. As to why the killer robots are made to look dark-skinned is baffling and fairly offensive. But it's just so damn weird, I have a feeling it may have actually been a statement against racism. But then again, the way Chinese are portrayed in this film kind of sucks too. And Mexicans. Shit, I got nothing. This is insanely politically incorrect, what can you do?

The print I'm watching is on Youtube and compressed all to fuck so let's hope that someday this film will resurface on DVD in a more watchable version. Even with the cruddy presentation, Attack of the Robots looks pretty damn good thanks to the camerawork of Antonio Macasoli (Grand Slam (you know, that one Blue Underground title you'll never watch)). Despite my complaints above, I highly recommend this one. Fun stuff.

"The roses and the gladiolas have been set in the vase at last. You can play the delicate melody but only in the minor key."

"There's a corpse in the bathtub. He's preventing me from taking a shower."

Episode #29 - Night Of The Wurdulaks

Hello, the new episode is up. This is definitely our wackiest show. That Pepsi Throwback went straight to my head.

Check it out!

And hey, there's lots of old episodes in the archive.

Not Franco Friday (Again)

Yeah, I know. But hey, look what came in the mail from the UK.

Available through ZDD.

Vampire Cheese

There are so many stinky cheese jokes I could make right now but I'm afraid I just don't have the courage. My wife and I are fans of vampire films. Who knew? LeEtta takes it to another level with her article that you can check out right here. She also drew that crazy Lestat-cheese artwork.

Also, check out her site and blog with all kinds of weird drawings and whatnots.

Not Franco Friday

Well yeah, this ain't Franco Friday but I did get something cool in the mail.

Franco Friday #37 - The Devil Came From Akasava

Franco Friday #37 - The Devil Came from Akasava

I forgot how hard it is to write. No seriously. The moment you break the habit of blogging, it feels impossible to get back into it. Bloggin' ain't dead, yo. Thankfully, Jess Franco made my job super easy this week. I totally forgot about this title and I'm glad I did. This was a real surprise and I am so friggin' grateful that I hadn't already gotten to this one until now.

The Devil Came from Akasava
AKA Der Teufel kam aus Akasava
1971
Directed by Jess Franco
Starring Fred Williams, Soledad Miranda, Horst Tappert, Ewa Stromberg, Sigfried Schurenberg
84 minutes

When an ancient, mysterious, strange, and also deadly stone is discovered in a cave in Akasava, all heck breaks loose. The stone is stolen and Dr. Forrester (played by Angel Menendez), a world-famous mineralogist, has disappeared (and is presumed dead. Sir Philip (Siegfried Schurenberg) contacts Miss Jane Morgan (Soledad Miranda), a secret agent posing as a stripper and/or hooker. He informs Jane that aside from it's evil death rays, the magical stone is also said to be able to turn lead into gold or whatever. Knowing what would happen if this precious item got into the wrong hands, Jane takes the case.

On her way to Akasava, Jane meets Rex Forrester (played by Fred Williams), the son of the missing Dr. Forrester. He is traveling to Akasava with his friend(?) Tino (Jess Franco) to find out what happened to his dad. At the hotel, Jane teams up with Irving Lambert (played by Alberto Dalbes), another secret agent. They pose as husband and wife but Jane also does a striptease at a local nightclub. You know, just to keep a low profile and shit.

Jane and Irving's main suspects are Dr. Thorrsem (played by Horst Tappert) and his wife Ingrid (Ewa Stromberg), who run a clinic in Akasava treating an outbreak of narcolepsy affecting the local indigenous population. This part was really confusing. Anyway, Irving is killed and Jane ends up in the arms of Rex Forrester. Honestly, I could go on all day with this freakin' plot. All you need to know is that there are double crosses and nonsensical reveals as Jane and Rex find out who is really behind the stone snatching and what really happened to Dr. Forrester.

While not quite as fun as Kiss Me Monster, this film comes pretty damn close. You really can't go wrong when there's a Philosopher's Stone thingie that looks like weapons-grade quartz in your plot. It's more of a McMuffin than a MacGuffin. Just when you think things are flying by too fast and the dialog is all balderdash, the plot takes a bong hit and everything just downshifts into super-chill mode for a few minutes, and then it picks back up again. Good times!

I did one of those "Commom Cast/Crew Between Two Titles" searches on IMDB. I know, I'm a cheat! Deal with it. Eleven names were in common between this film and Vampyros Lesbos. Then I plugged in the same search comparing this with She Killed in Ecstasy and thirteen names came up! You know what I should do? Research! It's called "Franco Friday", okay? Not "Respect Filmmakers Friday"! Seriously though, this is a Who's Who of Franco regulars like Ewa Stromberg, Paul Muller, and Howard Vernon (who has a scene where he jumps out a third story window like it was stepping over a curb). Just FYI: I think this is the first film that I actually liked Fred Williams. Sigi Schwab provides the swingin' score full of sitars and jangly guitars to keep your toes tapping.

The Devil Came from Akasava is prime Jess Franco, folks. This is a wild spy caper with way more imagination than budget. The script is often childlike and utterly ludicrous. The story was apparently adapted from Edgar Wallace but after the second "But I'm a secret agent too!" revelation, all I could do was stare in wonder at the screen. My only complaint: After a fairly satisfying wrap-up, the film has a final coda that is utter nonsense. It is just a baffling and unnecessary moment that makes me feel like there's footage missing.

My friend Brad made a good point about this movie when he mentioned to me that he thought this was one of Soledad Miranda's best roles. Sure, she has a couple of ubiquitous strip numbers (non-dancing in a shredded garbage bag this time) but she plays an actual character here. She has a chance to show real range in Akasava despite how silly this movie is. I too noticed just how many expressions she pulls in this film and I saw sides to her acting ability that a film like Vampyros Lesbos just didn't give her the opportunity to show off. Despite the bewildering plot elements of this bizarre little romp, Miranda just kills it.

"I hate hair gel."

HDS #28 - Fulci Part 3 - The Non-Horror Films

Brad and I continue obsessively talking about Lucio Fulci for our third episode on that crazy guy. This time around, we discuss his non-horror films such as Young Dracula, The Maniacs, and Contraband - just to name a few. Give this one a listen and you might just discover a side to Fulci you didn't even know existed. I know we did! Check out the archives right here.

Franco Friday #36: The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff

Franco Friday #36: The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff

Hello again, my friends. I finally got unstuck from reality for a few moments and watched some Franco. I read a really bad review for The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff so I immediately bought the Intervision DVD. How does that work? If you've been reading these Franco Fridays then you know I operate under a system of reverse logic with the way I choose these films. I like being sub-ironic. Anyway, I am so glad that I laid my money down for this flick. Let's friggin' do this!

The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff
Directed by Jess Franco
1973
Starring William Berger, Montserrat Prous, Edmund Perdom, Loreta Tovar, Kali Hansa
76 minutes
Intervision Picture Corp.

Man, where do I start? Wheelchair-bound Melissa Comfort (played by Montserrat Prous) has a recurring dream of her father (Jess Franco) standing (rather lasciviously) over her younger self. The dream becomes even more disturbing when blood pours out of his mouth and onto her. He dies right in front of her and she is awakened by her super sexy half-sister, Martha Comfort (Loreta Tovar). Martha informs Melissa that their uncle Henry has called in a specialist to examine her. His name is Dr. Orloff (William Berger). Dun dun duhhhhhhhhh!

Of course, no one in the Comfort family wants Melissa to get better because they are money-grubbing pigs. Her aunt Flora (played by Kali Hansa) is the worst of the bunch and would rather see Melissa committed to an asylum than show any improvement. After her first treatment with Dr. Orloff, Melissa has a nightmare in which she kills her uncle. A nightmare? Yeah right! Of course, there is no body and uncle's hunting gear and car are gone so everyone just keeps thinking Melissa is a crazy.

But not all hope is lost. The Comfort family's manservant, Matthews (played by Jose Manuel Martin) is on Melissa's side. In fact, I think he's in love with her which makes it even more sad when she has a "dream" of beating him to death with a tire iron. Okay, send in the hippie! Living next door to the Comforts is a dang hippie named (and I'm not making this up) Davey Procop Robert Eugene Hutchinson AKA Davey Sweet Brown (played by Robert Woods). This fucking guy has a crush on Melissa and believes that her family and Dr. Orloff are up to no good. He tries to convince the police inspector (Edmund Purdom) to investigate. Maybe there is no hope after all.

To no surprise to anyone -except the characters in this movie- Dr. Orloff and his sexy assistant (uncredited) are up to no good. Orloff was in love with Melissa's mother back in the day but her dad wooed her away from him. Now he is using all of his Orloffian powers to use Melissa as his tool of revenge. Between Melissa's hypno-murder spree and Aunt Flora's scheming, there's not going to be anyone left to collect on the Comfort estate.

First things first, the score for this film really knocked me out. It seems like someone is just absentmindedly sitting on an old Hammond but then the insanity comes pouring out and I'm loving every second of it. The less said about Davey Sweet Brown's folk shenanigans the better. I love the camerawork on this film. There's lots of closeups, fish eye lens weirdness, and a penchant for perfectly capturing the garishness of the early 1970s. Intervision's DVD may be full frame and sourced from an old VHS but I ain't complainin'. There's probably a nicer looking porn version of this movie that I never want to watch.

There are more than a few familiar faces in this film. William Berger's wild eyes have so much Euro-cult goodness that I don't even know where to begin. Montserrat Prous was in Franco's Diary of a Nymphomaniac which I haven't mustered up the courage to watch. Edmund Perdom... 'Nuff said. Both Loreta Tovar and Kali Hansa can be found in Amando de Ossario's Night of the Sorcerers and other Spanish horror treasures. Jose Manuel Martin was in tons of stuff like Curse of the Devil and Death Walks on High Heels. There's an actress in this that keeps her clothes on so I didn't recognize her. It's Lina Romay!

I am completely sober and in my right mind when I say this: The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff delivers. I judged a book by its cover and came out a winner. This particular Orloff film has one of the most talky, convoluted, and generic thriller plots ever but processed through the Jess Franco machine. The result is ineptly vivacious and one of my new favorite Franco titles. There is just something about how droll and off kilter about Sinister Eyes and it plays out like it was made by a crazy person (or Al Adamson).

Quotes

"When something so powerful releases the crazy monster, it's almost impossible to hold it back."

"I plan to have thousands of adventures with the hottest men of the Earth."

Guitar Content

My friend Sam filmed me playing some "Guitar Content" back in November. I share with y'all and I hope you like my weird sounds. I have some wise words at the end. Please note the Napalm Death baseball cap. Thanks.

Wednesday Ramble: House At The End Of The Street

Nothing arouses me more than Powderpuff football games. Oh wait, that's for a different blog post. Anyway, so I watched House at the End of the Street and I don't know if I can review it. But I figured that since I haven't done one of these rambles for a long, long time, maybe -just maybe- I can like do whatever for a while or whatever. This is what we in the blog industry call "a great way to start".

I rented House at the End of the Street based solely on the VERY MISLEADING teaser trailer. I already know what you're thinking: "Wow, what a chump!" Look, I realize that I should have seen this bullshit coming a mile away. First things first, the whole rewinding back and forth like this movie has a cool nonlinear plot is false advertising. Secondly, the implied grittiness of the film is exaggerated. This shit is straight up suburban vanilla.

But you know what, I'm the kind of guy who owns Swimfan on DVD. Sure, I've never had the courage to watch it for fear of dying of embarrassment but I think that you knowing that I really want to watch it (but haven't in the last six years since I found it in a $5 bin) will help you understand. Or not. Like I really want to see Disturbia but I'm too ashamed to check it out. I'm not in touch with my secret teenage self. Or maybe I have an optimistic streak about PG-13 horror. Who knows?

Speaking of touching your secret teenage self, I guess I better talk about House at the End of the Street. This flick, more than any other film I've seen in a while, has all the pieces for a good film but none of them are where they are supposed to be. For one thing, the setting is great. I love suburban horror. Love it. Give me The Strangers any day. Those neighborhoods where the woods are nearby, looming. The forest has been beaten back for all these families to live and be happy but they are waiting for the day when they can come by. Trees hate us.

Next, HATEOTS has a mediocre, offbeat, and exploitable cast but fails -FUCKING FAILS- to put them to good use. I will say more about the writing of this film in a bit but for now, just know that these poor people could have wrecked this shit. But everyone is just totally disinterested in the script. And why would be into this? Really. This film takes some tired old ideas and puts a few too many of them into one film. This is not a successful mashup of Psycho-inspired plots and good old fashioned Last House on the Left-ish hucksterism. But then again, I rented it. So I guess that makes it successful.

Elizabeth Shue is good. I don't know what movies she's ever been good in but there's something about her that I will always like. Maybe it's her Shue-face. Apparently, this Jennifer Lawrence actress is some kind of a person. Max Theiriot is okay. Sure. My favorite character in the whole movie is a door handle. The door handle to that locked room in the basement gets a lot of screen time. This fucking screenplay doesn't have a single trace of quirky character traits. Okay, there's one: The dude with the dead parents drives around in his dad's Cadillac, still listening to the old cassette tapes. If there were just more weird details like that. Just pile on the eccentricity instead of oh, this girl is the daughter of a rock star; she writes her own songs! Wowee zowee! I hate to say this but could you have "Diablo Codied" this up a bit?

The first (major) misstep that this movie makes is the ubiquitous "teen party" scene. This one is pretty abysmal and feels so forced. It's like someone said, "This is a teen movie. If we don't have a party scene, the studio will shut us down." The best part is when there are all these "drunk" and "stoned" teens hanging out and drinking out of plastic party cups. Someone plays spin the bottle with a bottle of Jones Soda and I'm all like: dang, no wonder deez kids is so fucked up! There is the almost date rape and the cute puking girl. Somebody call an ambulance! How much Jones has this bitch had?!??!

Believe it or not, there are some suspenseful moments. There's lots of running around in the woods and lots of chases. It was enough to keep me watching until the hour mark. At the hour mark of HATEOTS, this shit comes to a complete standstill. I looked at my wife -who had given up on this film 55 minutes before I did- and I asked, "Why? Why am I doing this?" Oh and my favorite cliche ever: the old malfunctioning flashlight gag. Look here, fuckers. Either a flashlight works or it doesn't. Stop shaking and tapping it. PLEASE!

So yeah, fuck this movie. The people who made it came so close to something great. I would have been happy with either a grittier flick, or a weirder, quirky flick, or the insanely edited mindfuck that the trailer promised. Competent cast and crew, a decent setting, a ridiculous plot, and a thick layer of cheese. That's half my movie collection right there. Look, I've said this before and I'll be saying it forever: "The only thing worse than a bad movie, is one that is almost good." I will add to that with: "(or isn't terrible enough)".

Am I giving up on teen horror? Not a chance.

HDS - Episode #27 Almost Krimi

We had a little problem with our podcasting equipment and lost our intended discussion of two excellent Krimis, The Black Abbot and The Hand of Power. However, we still managed to rock out for half an episode. Brad and I also give a shoutout to the MillCreeps. Check them out! So anyway, here is the new episode. And, as always, you can check out the archives here.

Schmidt Happens

Hey gang. I know I opened up a big can of woops ass by starting Franco Friday up again and then magically dropping off the map after only two weeks. Fear not! For I will be returning to a weekly Jess Franco delivery system soon. The thing is, my wife and I have been dealing with some heavy stuff (like a major family crisis). When things settle down, I promise to return with all kinds of things: Jess Franco-related and otherwise. Thanks for your patience.

But until then, I found something funny. Way back in 2006 or so, I reviewed a Jess Franco film over at Doomed Moviethon. I was sent a screener and shucks-howdy, I was not impressed. You can check out my review of Snakewoman right here. At one point, I talk about a bonus film on the disc featuring a "washed up" Lina Romay. Woops! That was harsh. Lina baby, you were never washed up. I'm fucking washed up. Take care, y'all.

If you're really bored, check out my new band: GYROJETS. We don't have any songs yet but I have a sampler of things to come.

Hello! This is the Doomed Show #26

Good morning, my friends. After a bit of a hiatus due to illness and holiday malaise, Brad and I have returned to the airwaves with a new episode of Hello! This is the Doomed Show. To get back into the swing of things, we tackle a huge list of recently seen horror films and then go over our top 10 horror films we saw in 2012. Dats it. Dats all. Enjoy!

Check out the new episode here.

And don't forget about the archive of past episodes!

Franco Friday #35: Erotikill

Franco Friday #35: Erotikill

Two weeks in a row? I hope this means I’m back into the swing of things. I’ve had Female Vampire in my pile of Franco for a long, long time. After a few aborted attempts to review it, I gave up. Then some kind soul put the VHS version, called Erotikill up on Youtube (sorry, Redemption, your Blu-ray is not on my shortlist). When I realized that this version was over 30 minutes shorter than the Female Vampire cut, well, I just had to go for it. Haven’t I seen enough of these extended lesbian and simulated bonking scenes? Here’s a hint: YES! So, dear reader, here is me taking the sting out and just pretending that this is the only version available.



Erotikill
AKA Female Vampire
Directed by Jess Franco
1973
Starring Lina Romay, Jack Taylor, Alice Arno, Monica Swinn, Jess Franco, Anita Watican
72 minutes (VHS version)

The Countess Irina Karlstein (played by Lina Romay) walks out of the mist, eyes sunken, breasts not sunken, wearing only a belt and a cape. The camera zooms to her PUBIC REGION then back up to her face. Then the Countess proceeds to walk into the camera lens. Poetry? Comedy? All I know is that an actress couldn’t ask for a better entrance than that. She goes to a farm in this getup, seduces a simpleton, and bites his neck. His strangely guttural cry can be heard miles away by Baron von Rathony (played by the brooding mustache of Jack Taylor). Suddenly, the Countess flaps her cape and flies away. Scree! Scree! Woosh!



We are briefly introduced to Inspector Idiot and Dr. Robertson (played by Jess Franco). He tells the inspector that the murder victim was killed during orgasm and was drained of blood and semen. Gee, I thought the Countess only bit that dude’s neck. She’s amazing! It’s almost like this version of the film is missing something. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, we see that this lady vampire likes to sunbathe, in the nude? No, actually fully clothed. Haven’t you read your vampire lore?



So my favorite scene of this entire movie happens when Anna (played by Anna Watican), an intrepid reporter, approaches the Countess for an interview. Of course, she agrees and they go sit in a hotel room to talk (one-sided, of course). For what feels like hours (oh God, I wish!), Anna interviews the mute vampire. This is seriously the best interview of a mute character ever filmed. Next, the Countess writhes around on a bed while her mute servant (good old Luis Barboo) smiles, appreciating every moment. The Countess decides to kill the hotel masseuse and she hypnotizes him by flashing her vagina at him over and over and over and over and over.



Frustrated by trying to convince Inspector Idiot that vampires exist, Dr. Roberts meets up with Dr. Orloff. He’s the blind son of an old colleague, eh? Very interesting. The Countess shows up in Anna’s hotel room and licks her lips and touches herself (while fully clothed) for a while, driving Anna mad with desire. Then she leaves Anna horny, totally unfulfilled, and crying in torment. Ha ha! She comes back after a costume change and then kills Anna. That makes everything all better, doesn’t it?



The Baron finally meets the Countess. He asks her if she will one day take him with her behind the mist. I drop my pen (what did you think I was holding?) and just stare at the screen, entranced. This movie just got to me. Next, Alice Arno and Monica Swinn magically appear in the film, playing Yahtzee, and waiting for The Countess to appear. She does and the two of them show her just how they treat their guests. Nakedness, shackles, and a very thick, sharp switch are utilized in their games. After some bloody whipping, the Countess calls bullshit, hypnotizes Arno, and then drinks Swinn dry. All the while, the soundtrack drops out, making the whole scene very uncomfortable; like it was totally unplanned.



The Baron admits that he has a mega-crush on the Countess. They kiss and she’s like “No! Go away! You’re too vanilla. And I’ll drink your mustache!” Look, she’s mute, I have to ad lib. They kiss again, they screw, and she kills him. She gets a little bummed out and tells Dr. Orloff that she wants all vampires to go away forever or something. Then she takes a bath in some bloody bathwater, writhes around, and then arches her back in order to shove her PUBIC REGION into the air repeatedly. Dr. Robertson shows up, kills her manservant, and then watches her drown in the bloody bathwater. Maybe. They show her walking around in the mist some more so who the fuck knows?



I don’t know what cracks me up more, the barely competent as well as successfully hilarious dubbing or the Peanuts-like jazz that plays through some of these scenes. The rest of the score is snippets of haunting melodies and classical yearnings. As for the dubbing, everyone involved is reading off the most banal claptrap ever written without missing a beat. The dude who dubbed Jack Taylor is the worst though. His accent is almost impenetrable. Lina Romay is lucky that her character is mute but not even she can escape the cheesed out voice-acting. Her internal monologues are delivered by a melodramatic robot.



I’m not going to lie to you, I love Erotikill. It has a few slow spots but I fell deeply for this very flawed gem. All of the shit that is wrong with this version just works perfectly for me. Lina Romay was very amateurish as an actress at this point in her career but she was also a mesmerizing weirdo (as always) so this film is perfect for her with the muteness and the nudeness. Her breasts almost steal the movie. I can wholeheartedly recommend Erotikill to anyone who likes watching Jess Franco movies with all of the boning cut out and presented in a pitifully cropped full frame transfer. One day, if I ever give a double damn, I might sit down and give the Female Vampire cut another go.

“You can well listen: I am quite sane. And I state that this murder is surrounded by a mystery that is not easy to elucidate.”

“But what you say is more than terrifying. The demons must be killed. And it must be forever.”

Franco Friday #34: The Obscene Mirror

Franco Friday #34: The Obscene Mirror

In 2011, for 33 weeks in a row, I reviewed a film directed by Jess Franco every Friday (minus one guest review). I decided to stop, mainly because I was burnt out and also, I felt like I had run out of Franco films that I wanted to see. Well, two things have happened: 1) I found some more of the duder’s films that I actually want to watch and 2) I had a dream about Jess Franco. In the dream, I went to Mr. Franco’s house and I was showing him a VHS of one of his most obscure films. Instead of autographing the tape, he invited me to go monster hunting with him. And there you go. So how many more Franco Fridays can you expect to see? I really don’t know. Let’s see how many more of these I can stand- oops, I meant to say enjoy.



Please note: While trying to find a copy of The Other Side of the Mirror, I found this version of the same film called The Obscene Mirror. The films are quite different in plot and one contains porno inserts and totally unrelated characters. The film reviewed here is the dang porno version. So whenever The Other Side of the Mirror surfaces, I will review it as well.

The Obscene Mirror
Directed by Jess Franco
1973 (released in 1975)
Starring Emma Cohen, Howard Vernon, Robert Woods, Simon Andreau, Alice Arno, Lina Romay
87 minutes (porn version)



Annette (played by Emma Cohen) is about to marry her fiancée, Arthur, when her sister Marie (Lina Romay) kills herself with a sword. Annette calls off the wedding, abandons her needy father (Howard Vernon), and runs off to make a life for herself in the world. Unfortunately, Annette and her sister had some kind of an incestuous thing going on, so she is now plagued by visions of her dead sister HAVING GRAPHIC SEXUAL RELATIONS. To support herself, Annette plays piano and smokes dope in a jazz bar. She is being romanced by a creepo trumpeter named Bill (Robert Woods).



Marie (from the grave and/or evil mirror) commands Annette to kill or play with vaginas. I’m confused on that point. During a performance at the bar, Annette has a vision where she kills Bill (funny, right?). In an indescribably hilarious moment, Annette comes to and the band asks her to play something upbeat. She flops and flails around at the piano, laughing while everyone smiles and snaps their fingers. Brilliant.



Next, Annette starts dating Michel (played by Simon Andreau) AKA Mr. Corny Car Horn, a director who finds her inspiring or something. She has another vision of her sister’s body double fucking someone and then she stabs Michel to death in the theater –which is actually a surprisingly creepy scene (the stabbing not the fucking). After losing (and possibly murdering) two lovers, Annette decides to kill herself. Right after she slits her wrists, her good friend Clara (Alice Arno) shows up and calls 911 (according to the dodgy subtitles).



After she recovers from the suicide attempt, Annette and Clara go off to the seaside. It is there that she meets Pipo (played by Phillippe Lemaire), a Class 5 Midlife Crisis. Despite the fact that his wife(?) Tina (Francoise Brion) is like right there, Pipo starts putting the moves on Annette. Even though Pipo is disgusting, Annette is totally into him. WTF? They get it on and, of course, Marie is screwing someone in a vision and telling her to kill. And she totally stabs the shit out of Pipo. When she comes out of her murderous reverie, Annette flips out and takes off in a little yellow car. So here it is, the climax of the movie, and it is genitals. Big genitals on the screen.



Jess Franco, you fucking sellout. No wonder I quit reviewing this shit. I almost feel bad for Franco but the presence of Lina Romay makes me think that the alternate cut is at least partially his fault. As for the XXX inserts, they are just from some random porno flick. There is a good movie buried in all this mess but any chance of atmosphere, subtlety, and beauty is squashed out by droopy vagina lips and a big old dick. Not even the lovely and excellent Emma Cohen can save this one. Hopefully, this film will one day appear in its original form: The Other Side of the Mirror. As for The Obscene Mirror, avoid at all costs.

“Life is strange. One tries to fly but ends up falling back in the same shit.”