Wednesday Ramble: House At The End Of The Street

Nothing arouses me more than Powderpuff football games. Oh wait, that's for a different blog post. Anyway, so I watched House at the End of the Street and I don't know if I can review it. But I figured that since I haven't done one of these rambles for a long, long time, maybe -just maybe- I can like do whatever for a while or whatever. This is what we in the blog industry call "a great way to start".

I rented House at the End of the Street based solely on the VERY MISLEADING teaser trailer. I already know what you're thinking: "Wow, what a chump!" Look, I realize that I should have seen this bullshit coming a mile away. First things first, the whole rewinding back and forth like this movie has a cool nonlinear plot is false advertising. Secondly, the implied grittiness of the film is exaggerated. This shit is straight up suburban vanilla.

But you know what, I'm the kind of guy who owns Swimfan on DVD. Sure, I've never had the courage to watch it for fear of dying of embarrassment but I think that you knowing that I really want to watch it (but haven't in the last six years since I found it in a $5 bin) will help you understand. Or not. Like I really want to see Disturbia but I'm too ashamed to check it out. I'm not in touch with my secret teenage self. Or maybe I have an optimistic streak about PG-13 horror. Who knows?

Speaking of touching your secret teenage self, I guess I better talk about House at the End of the Street. This flick, more than any other film I've seen in a while, has all the pieces for a good film but none of them are where they are supposed to be. For one thing, the setting is great. I love suburban horror. Love it. Give me The Strangers any day. Those neighborhoods where the woods are nearby, looming. The forest has been beaten back for all these families to live and be happy but they are waiting for the day when they can come by. Trees hate us.

Next, HATEOTS has a mediocre, offbeat, and exploitable cast but fails -FUCKING FAILS- to put them to good use. I will say more about the writing of this film in a bit but for now, just know that these poor people could have wrecked this shit. But everyone is just totally disinterested in the script. And why would be into this? Really. This film takes some tired old ideas and puts a few too many of them into one film. This is not a successful mashup of Psycho-inspired plots and good old fashioned Last House on the Left-ish hucksterism. But then again, I rented it. So I guess that makes it successful.

Elizabeth Shue is good. I don't know what movies she's ever been good in but there's something about her that I will always like. Maybe it's her Shue-face. Apparently, this Jennifer Lawrence actress is some kind of a person. Max Theiriot is okay. Sure. My favorite character in the whole movie is a door handle. The door handle to that locked room in the basement gets a lot of screen time. This fucking screenplay doesn't have a single trace of quirky character traits. Okay, there's one: The dude with the dead parents drives around in his dad's Cadillac, still listening to the old cassette tapes. If there were just more weird details like that. Just pile on the eccentricity instead of oh, this girl is the daughter of a rock star; she writes her own songs! Wowee zowee! I hate to say this but could you have "Diablo Codied" this up a bit?

The first (major) misstep that this movie makes is the ubiquitous "teen party" scene. This one is pretty abysmal and feels so forced. It's like someone said, "This is a teen movie. If we don't have a party scene, the studio will shut us down." The best part is when there are all these "drunk" and "stoned" teens hanging out and drinking out of plastic party cups. Someone plays spin the bottle with a bottle of Jones Soda and I'm all like: dang, no wonder deez kids is so fucked up! There is the almost date rape and the cute puking girl. Somebody call an ambulance! How much Jones has this bitch had?!??!

Believe it or not, there are some suspenseful moments. There's lots of running around in the woods and lots of chases. It was enough to keep me watching until the hour mark. At the hour mark of HATEOTS, this shit comes to a complete standstill. I looked at my wife -who had given up on this film 55 minutes before I did- and I asked, "Why? Why am I doing this?" Oh and my favorite cliche ever: the old malfunctioning flashlight gag. Look here, fuckers. Either a flashlight works or it doesn't. Stop shaking and tapping it. PLEASE!

So yeah, fuck this movie. The people who made it came so close to something great. I would have been happy with either a grittier flick, or a weirder, quirky flick, or the insanely edited mindfuck that the trailer promised. Competent cast and crew, a decent setting, a ridiculous plot, and a thick layer of cheese. That's half my movie collection right there. Look, I've said this before and I'll be saying it forever: "The only thing worse than a bad movie, is one that is almost good." I will add to that with: "(or isn't terrible enough)".

Am I giving up on teen horror? Not a chance.

Last Night's Double Feature

Hmm, I am only vaguely aware of how this odd pairing of films came about. Last night, after our burgers from Gino's were consumed, Shelly, LeEtta, Margie, and I watched that very dark, expletive filled, and sexy teen comedy, Jawbreaker. Then we followed it up with the hilarious Stephen Chow comedy, Tricky Brains. What is the connection between these two films? It's pretty obvious: Marilyn Manson and Tat Man Ng's mustaches! Good times were had by all.

My Top 5 Favorite Non-Horror Movies

I feel like shit. So why not punish everyone? I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you guys. You're good people. You're just sitting there, lampin', and I'm being a hater. Hate the hater not the game, yo. I was just thinking about what I'd rather be doing than sitting here on an hour and a half of sleep and feeling my blueberry muffin churning around in my guts. Well, it's not boogie boarding! I would rather be watching movies. And for some reason, I want to talk about my current favorite non-horror flicks. Why? Because my wife LeEtta was talking her top 5 favorite films last night and I want to beat her to the punch. It's the blog form of spousal abuse. Actually we were watching the Rotten Tomatoes show and Alexis Bledel was talking about her favorite movies of all time and Forrest Gump was one of them. WTF?

If you had asked me 8 or 9 or 10 years ago what my favorite movies were, I would have said (without hesitation) Repo Man, Bottle Rocket, Buffalo '66, Rushmore and Last Tango in Paris. Ouch. Now Repo Man is still golden but I don't even own a copy of it right now. That tends to happen when you stop watching a movie you spent years of your life memorizing. I'll return to it someday. And I'll always have Last Tango in Paris. Pass the butter. Why I used to be so obsessed with Wes Anderson is a mystery to me. I think I mentioned my emo-ness in my last Wednesday Ramble. But yeah, I'm 33 and I'm a totally different person now. (Not really.) Most of this list is populated with things that my wife has introduced me to. Her influence is profound (as you'll soon see).

Hey, it's not Wednesday and I'm rambling anyway. Shit. I am insanely tired. So my current list of five favorite non-horror movies looks a lot like this.

5. Up in Arms (1944)

Up in Arms isn't the best Danny Kaye movie out there but it is pretty good. The biggest problem is that this one is a wartime comedy so there's a bunch of propaganda (tolerable (some actually played for laughs)) and an unfortunately racist portrayal of Japanese soldiers (not tolerable). Luckily, those things are brief and the rest of the movie is silly madness. This film is also one of Dinah Shore's few movie appearances and she is underwear-soilingly hot. Well, in a 1944 kind of a way, I guess.

Here's the dreamy musical number I want to live inside forever:



4. Bewitched (2005)

I passed on seeing Bewitched in theaters with my wife. Instead, I went and saw Land of the Dead. This was a good decision. But then we bought Bewitched and we've watched it over and over again since then. An oddly restrained Will Ferrell and a kooky Nicole Kidman in a box office flop about a TV studio that accidentally hires a real witch to play Samantha in a remake of "Bewitched". Huh? How does that work? How does that NOT work?!?!?! This movie is charming as hell. Gee, I'm as shocked as you are.

Did I say restrained? Never mind. Skip to 45 seconds...



3. The Music Man (1962)

Well, this is a surprise (maybe). Another musical? I avoided The Music Man for years because I assumed it was some shitty ass shit like South Pacific or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Wrong. This is a colorful, clever, over-the-top, wholesome (ugh) and pitch perfect (hey-o!) musical with a lotta heart. How many movies mentioned on this blog have 'a lotta heart'? The count is now up to one movie. We gave the version of The Music Man with Matthew Broderick a try but it was a sickly piglet compared to the original. Robert Preston rulez!

And THIS is one of the finest musical numbers of all time:



2. Get Over It (2001)

Searching for the perfect teen comedy? It's been found and it's called Get Over It. Yeah, I know. This list is taking you inside a part of my brain that I'd rather you didn't know existed. No turning back now, homey. LeEtta and I are crazy over Ben Foster and this film is why. He takes the lonely loser hero and propels it to a level of greatness. The film also has Martin Short as a drama teacher. Plus, Get Over It features Kirsten Dunst before she... Well... I guess Dunst is still Dunst. I'm so not complaining. Before I get too off track here, if you have a thing for silly teen flicks, Get Over It has some twisted and genuinely hilarious moments hidden in there. Watch repeatedly.

Here's the trailer (in FRENCH for some reason):



1. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

And last but not least, Josie and the Pussycats! I hope you didn't think that Get Over It was going to be the only teen comedy on this short list. If you had told me back in 2001 that one day I would LOVE Josie and the Pussycats, I would have slapped your face off. But this film has a secret: it's funny as hell. It is much smarter than I thought it would be and it has hot chicks. I don't expect you non-believers out there to follow my lead on this one but it's true. When you run out to buy this on DVD (and I know you will), make sure you pick up the PG-13 version. There is a family friendly PG one out there that isn't that much different but come on, that's just dumb.

And the trailer (not too flattering):



The key factor in all of these (girlie) films is that they get better with repeat viewings. So if you cringe at the thought of sitting through Bewitched or Josie and the Pussycats, keep in mind that I'm watching them over and over and over again. It's a sickness but this is where I'm at. When it comes to non-horror, I go all the way. It could be worse, I could be watching The Godfather three times a day. Or Children of Men. Or Footloose. Ewwwww... I don't even want to go there. Have a super weekend, y'all.