How To Play A Necromancer’s Theremin

I have read some strange novels in my time but Chase Griffinand Christina Quay’s How To Play A Necromancer’s Theremin (2023) is easily one of the most unusual. The book is about a young writer named Echo and his friends touring through locations made famous by their hero Rocco Atleby, an experimental literature rockstar and expert necromancer’s theremin player. Their journey is particularly hazardous because they are bingeing on vast amounts of ground up book pages. In the universe of this book, book powder is highly hallucinogenic, and everyone is consuming vast quantities of it (and several other chemicals) at every turn.

Reading Necromancer’s Theremin is kind of like speed-reading Naked Lunch backwards while simultaneously someone is whispering in your ear as they describe the film version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998). The characters and the reader alike are bouncing around this demented plot like bumper cars that have escaped the amusement park. The rubber reality of this tome of magical realism is stretched way beyond the breaking point as the fourth (and possibly fifth) wall is constantly broken.

My one complaint about the book is that it gets a little overwhelming at times as its strangeness and pacing steamrolled right over me. I don’t know if I recommend reading it in as many or as few sittings as you can. To call this dizzying, and just a little anxiety-inducing for me personally, is an understatement. But I stuck with it and I’m very glad that I did because overall, Griffin and Quay’s book is worth the new grey hairs it gave me. Necromancer’s Theremin is a circuitously dense, bizarrely funny, sometimes frightening, playful, beyond drug-addled, horny, and downright bookish bender gem from (where else?) Florida.

Giallo Meltdown 2: The Interview

The Moviethon Vlog 47 - Giallo Meltdown 2

Shock Cinema Magazine

Check out Shock Cinema Magazine right here.

My Horror Shelfie #16

The Moviethon Vlog #39 - Horror Movie Reference Revenge

Why I'm Messed Up: Laughter in the Dark

One day in the late 1990s, I was reading a book written by Vladimir Nabokov in 1932 called Laughter in the Dark. That isn't really special. If it was the late 1990s, I was either reading Henry Miller, Nabokov, or the wildly underrated Heinrich Böll. Anyway, as I got to the end of the book, I had a massive wave of déjà vu when the amazing climax started to unfold. Sometime as a kid, I had seen the film adaption of Laughter in the Dark on cable and that ending had been buried deep in my brain just waiting for me to remember it.

Years later, I found the listing for the film version of Laughter in the Dark that was directed by Tony Richardson and was released in 1969. Finding the film proved to be another matter entirely. Forget DVD, I couldn't even track down a damn VHS copy. Then I turned to my usual sites for a download. Nothing. Son of a bitch! Other than some lobby cards and a poster, I couldn't find the film.

Now here's where complaining online helps. (I've been an advocate of online complaining since the first time I did it back in 1998.) I blogged right here on this very blog about how I couldn't find Laughter in the Dark. Then, in the summer of last year, someone read my post and contacted me. It was Rand C. He offered to send me a copy of the film if I promised to review it. Of course, I said yes. What Rand didn't know is that when I'm really excited about a film, I put it off. And since I'd been looking for this film since the end of the last century, my excitement was so huge that I I didn't watch Laughter in the Dark for 6 months. What can I say? I'm quirky.

Nicol Williamson plays Sir Edward More, a wealthy art dealer who is bored with his family and work. One day, a female usher named Margot (Anna Karina) catches his eye at the cinema. He becomes obsessed with the beautiful young woman and attempts to woo her while using an assumed name. Margot reverse-stalks Edward once she catches sight of his fancy car and chauffeur. Edward was hoping for an easy lay but Margot has got plans for this fool. With a well-timed telegram and a three day sex binge, she destroys his marriage and invades his life.

Unfortunately for Edward, Margot proves to be impossible to please and she's quickly seduced by his colleague Herve (Jean-Claude Drouot), a much younger and more dashing fellow. Margot convinces Edward that Herve is gay and encourages him to include the rogue on their vacation in Spain. When he finally catches on to the affair, Edward goes ballistic and demands that she never see Herve again. While driving through some mountain roads, he and Margot's arguing causes a car accident that leaves Edward blind.

Margot and Herve concoct a scheme to bleed Edward dry while continuing their affair. She rents a remote villa with a secret room where Herve will live and where they can get it on at night. As weeks go by, the embezzlement of Edward's money continues as she has the poor bastard signing blank checks. Worse still, Herve begins to get stir crazy to keep their twisted game going and plays tricks on the blind man for amusement. The cruelty escalates and -don't worry, I won't spoil it!

Director Tony Richardson was no stranger to adapting literature for the big screen but there's two things working against him. 1. Vladimir Nabokov's characters are total dickheads and 2. Richard Burton was an alcoholic. Burton was fired for being too drunk to work and was replaced by Nicol Williamson after filming had began. Williamson, who's played everyone from Merlin to Hamlet to Sherlock frickin' Holmes is a fine actor and does a great job here. But man oh man, his character is hard to sympathize with, especially with the word "SUCKER" tattooed on his forehead like that.

Transplanting Nabokov's novel from 1930s Berlin and Switzerland to 1960s England and Spain is easy when you throw miniskirts, hippies, inflatable furniture, and cacti into the mix. Cinematographer Dick Bush (Tommy, Sorcerer) brings some serious talent to the table which makes the fact that this film hasn't landed on Blu-ray yet even more frustrating. I love the setting in the Spanish mountains in the latter bits of the film. I kept waiting for Paul Naschy to show up and wolf out.

I think the film would have been served better if Margot hadn't been such a blatantly manipulative jerkwad and been more sly and seductive to the viewer. Anna Karina is lovely but the moment she started whining, I wanted to shut the movie off. Edward too should have been more likable right out of the gate but if memory serves, the screenplay follows Nabokov's version of these characters pretty closely aside from making them British. But if all of the blame landed squarely on the handsome but devious Herve, it would hurt the film. These three assholes kind of deserve each other.

How does the old saying go? "A fool and his money are soon parted shortly before that fool is destroyed by the brazen malice of two psychopaths." Edward's treatment at the hands of Margot and especially Herve is heartbreaking. Even if you despise the guy for his simpering foolishness, you still root for him by the final reel.

Before we get to the finale, let me just talk about how Laughter in the Dark affected me. Right at the beginning of the film where Edward is at the cinema. The film that the packed house is viewing is never shown but the sounds of a woman in peril and gunfire can be heard through the theater. These sounds cause uproarious laughter in the audience and Edward looks rather disturbed for a moment. Then he lays eyes on Margot for the first time. This brilliant piece of foreshadowing is how I knew I was in for a treat even though it would be a painful one.

When this film ended the other day after seeing it for the first time after all those years, I was left with a profound sense of dread and a renewed fear of human beings. Though it's not as good as the book, I think Laughter in the Dark absolutely deserves to be seen by film fans and Nabokov fans alike. The ending is a real crackerjack of a scene that I won't spoil here since this film is still unavailable on home video and I'm hoping people will seek it out. It occurred to me that maybe I only caught the end of this one when I was a kid. But it's entirely possible that I saw this whole movie which explains why I'm so messed up.

Special thanks to Rand C. for hooking me up with this film!

Doomed Movieton Broken - Cinema Somnambulist... THE BOOK!

So here we are in the 10th year of DoomedMoviethon.com and the site is down. Apparently, the web-hosting company I've been throwing money at for a decade is gone. Woops! Instead of screaming to the heavens and eating a bag of my own intestines, I'm taking this as an opportunity to revamp the old girl. The next time DoomedMoviethon.com is ready for your eyes, it'll be way hotter with some new content and a celebration of all the old stuff that's been what the site has been about all along. Apparently, people still like horror and cult movies! And double apparently there are some of you out there who STILL LIKE Doomed Moviethon! Thank you for that!

Speaking of recycled content, I wanted to announce right here, right now that I've been putting together another book. Say what!?!?! Yep, that's right. It's called Cinema Somnambulist and it's a collection of my writings on movies from this very blog and the aforementioned DoomedMoviethon.com. There's going to be approximately five chapters. All of my Franco Fridays, all of my nostalgic crap, and a bunch of Eurohorror and Asian horror stuff will be represented, just to name a few.

There will be very little material that is unique to the book but I really wanted to collect all of these pieces in one place just for myself. Then I thought, hey maybe some folks would like a copy too! Nice ego, Richard. But since it's a selfish exercise, I'm going to make the print as cheap as possible and offer the Kindle version for super cheap as well. Rest assured that Cinema Somnambulist is a passion project and not an empire-building money machine like everything else I do. Wait, what? Anyway, I hope you will enjoy it.

Take care, my friends.

-Richard

Thanks From The Author

Something insane happened to me the other day. I got my first royalty check for Giallo Meltdown. It was my first ever monetary payment for being a writer. Usually, my writing just gets me punches to the groin and hateful Tweets from Shia Labeouf. So I'm here to say to all of you: Thank you so damn much. I'm beside myself with gratefulness and disbelief that anyone even cared in the first place. I owe everything to the films for inspiring me and to you, the fans of this wild genre, for helping me along the way.

Sincerely as heck,

Richard Glenn Schmidt

I Got Interviewed

Hello, folks. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good night. Troy Howarth, author of The Haunted World of Mario Bava and So Deadly, So Perverse: 50 Years of Italian Giallo Films, was kind enough to interview me over on Facebook a few weeks ago about Giallo Meltdown and I thought I'd share it here! Be sure to keep an eye out for Troy's upcoming book: Splintered Visions: Lucio Fulci and His Films. I know I am. Now on with the show!

My friend Richard Glenn Schmidt has just published his own, very different study of the giallo... In order to mark the publication of his book, I asked him a few questions and got a few answers... The interview follows.

Troy Howarth: How did you become familiar with the giallo?

Richard Glenn Schmidt: It was through Italian horror. As I was somewhat familiar with the films of Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci, and Michele Soavi, it wasn’t long before I got to DEEP RED and read about the giallo genre somewhere online. Next thing I knew, I was getting to gateway films like SEVEN BLOOD-STAINED ORCHIDS and WHO SAW HER DIE?, and it was all downhill from there.

TH: The giallo seems to be a tricky genre to define precisely—some view it as one specific thing, while others have a less set notion of what a giallo should be… What is your definition of the giallo?

RGS: A mystery film, often of Italian origin, featuring murder and a little (or sometimes a lot of) sleaze, filmed in a stylish manner with some painfully cool music playing over the top of it all.

TH: What gave you the idea for your giallo blog?

RGS: Initially, DOOMED MOVIETHON started when I just felt like movie reviewers online weren’t giving my favorite films enough love. Then I started documenting my weekend-long moviethons and I really just had a blast with the site beyond just reviewing a film at a time. Binge-watching gialli was a natural extension of that.

TH: When did you start to think about compiling all of this info into book form?

RGS: While these giallo moviethons started in 2008, it wasn’t until some encouragement from online friends got me thinking of publishing GIALLO MELTDOWN. So sometime in late 2011, I began to stage new meltdowns that would become chapters in the book.

TH: What are some of your favorite gialli? What makes these titles so special to you?

RGS: THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS has always been one of my go-to titles. It’s one that I love showing to people who are new to the genre. I already mentioned SEVEN BLOOD-STAINED ORCHIDS which just blows me away every time. Umberto Lenzi made some great ones! Recently, THE DEAD ARE ALIVE went from being in my top 10 to being in my top 3 favorites. Much of that film embodies “The Vibe”, that ever elusive feeling that gialli give me. There are a few obscure ones that I wish would make it to Blu-ray like EYEBALL (Lenzi again!), EYE IN THE LABYRINTH, THE KILLER HAS RESERVED NINE SEATS, NAKED GIRL KILLED IN THE PARK, THE KILLER IS ON THE PHONE, etc.

TH: How about some of your least favorite?

RGS: I find SEX OF THE WITCH to be a very frustrating experience. Lots of potential and none of the payoff. I really tried, on multiple occasions, to like LA BAMBOLA DI SATANA. It’s just kind of a mess. Same thing with THE KILLER IS AMONG THE THIRTEEN. Too many characters and not much happening! And of course, THE BLOODSUCKER LEADS THE DANCE. It’s a film that I perversely enjoy but is just an embarrassment for both the viewer and the cast, who look utterly miserable onscreen. Poor Luciano Pigozzi looks especially pitiful.

TH: I can definitely relate on those! Did you find putting this material into book form to be difficult?

RGS: Not at all. I’m a voracious reader of books on film so I think I had some idea of how to do it kind of burned into my brain already.

TH: Tell us a bit about the format of the book: is it chronological or alphabetical? About how long is the end product?

RGS: The book is arranged in moviethon order so the films come flying at random. Whatever mood struck me at the time is how the order went. So it’s definitely not your traditional survey of a genre.

TH: What was the hardest part of undertaking this project?

RGS: The hardest part was not sharing this with friends and fans of the website. I’ve had 8 moviethons that compile the latter two-thirds of the book just waiting to be unleashed on the world. The second hardest part was creating the index at the end. My wife suggested I do it and I swear, she must be a sadist. Compiling the index was somewhat akin to elective surgery except not as funny.

TH: You inspired me to do the same with my upcoming Fulci book, so I sympathize! And now that it’s more or less finished—do you have any future book projects?

RGS: I do indeed. Thanks to my poor organization skills, I missed some key titles for Giallo Meltdown so there’s already a sequel in the planning stages. It will be shorter and cheaper but I feel like I have some more giallo watching left in me. Before I even start that however, my horror fiction book that’s been percolating in my brain since 2002 is now on my mind pretty much 24 hours a day.

TH: Tell us how the book can be ordered, and what the price will be… That is, if you have that info worked out already!

RGS: GIALLO MELTDOWN: A MOVIETHON DIARY is available on Amazon and Createspace right now. It’s $16 before shipping. There will also be a Kindle version very soon for $6. Hey, it’s the 90s! I gotta be a part of the future.

TH: Thanks for taking a bit to talk about this project; I’m looking forward to reading it!

RGS: Thank you, sir! It was an honor and a pleasure. You asked all the fun questions.

-----------------

Want to hear me interview Troy on the podcast? Well well well, listen right here!

Giallo Meltdown: A Moviethon Diary (Book Update)

Well gang, the book, Giallo Meltdown: A Moviethon Diary, isn't done yet. But holy crap, it is VERY close. I am now editing the last chapter and I'm in talks with my book jacket designer (AKA my wife) about the cover art. So the tingly sensation of a nearly finished project is racing through my fingertips as I type this blog post. So the book is 13 chapters and is clocking in over 260 pages of giallo goodness. I am very excited -okay, to be perfectly honest- I AM F**KING STOKED!!! I'll be back when it's done. Take care, friends.

Go join the Giallo Meltdown Facebook group! Tell your pals about it!

The Moviethon Vlog #25 - Cult and Horror Movie Books

The Moviethon Vlog Episode #1: Horror Movie Books

Shock October

Back in 2005, when I started Doomed Moviethon, when my little site had less than 50 reviews, one article, and an interview, I bought a book called Shock December by these three guys who watched 21 horror films in 48 hours. I smacked my forehead so hard that my brain flew out my ass. I've been having moviethons for years! Why the hell haven't I been documenting the dang things?!!?! After that excellent book, I documented my first moviethon proper: Doomed Fulci-Thon. And the rest is history, y'all. Recently, I got to check out the new book from the Shockmarathoners: Shock October. It's a fine read and a hell of a lot of fun. Check out my review right here, duders.

FOUND: Deathday

Ain’t it always the case? Someone lends you a book, you tear through it cover to cover, and the moment it’s over, you forget about it. This is just what happened with Deathday by Shaun Hutson, a gory tale of the undead rampaging in a small English town. My best friend Scott, a death metal obsessed gorehound, lent me the book in 1991 when our morbid natures were in full swing. I loved it! Around the same time I read The Scream by John Skipp and Craig Spector so the two books are intertwined in my brain.

Nineteen years later, I had a sudden urge to read this book again. Scott could remember it but had no idea what it was called. Plus, most of his books are currently packed away somewhere. I turned to the internet with what I could remember about the book but no dice. I hit up Will over at Too Much Horror Fiction but he said that my description of the plot didn't ring a bell. He did suggest that it might be The Fog by James Herbert but that sounded a little too good to be the one I was looking for.

Joe over at From Beyond Depraved suggested I look through this board for the answer. After searching through at least 30 or 40 pages (their search engine blows), I finally found it! Deathday. Um… That’s it? That’s the title? Oooookay. I didn’t remember it having such a lame title (probably why I couldn’t remember it). A few minutes later, I had ordered a used copy from Amazon for around $7. I got my hardcover copy in great condition in the mail in a few days and immediately started reading.

So what the hell is my own personal Holy Grail of splatter all about anyway? Two groundskeepers discover a grave underneath an old tree just outside the cemetery of an old church. Inside, they find a corpse with a golden medallion around its neck. One of the men takes the medallion with obscure writing around its surface. That night, the man, while suffering from a horrible headache and an unbearable sensitivity to light, gouges out his own eyeballs and two tiny glowing red orbs replace his missing eyes. He then slaughters his entire family, rips out their eyes, and disappears into the night, claiming more victims wherever he goes.

Enter Lambert, a police inspector with the small town’s police force under his command. This strapping young man has a crisis on his hands as this rash of murders begins to tear the town apart. Bodies are found with their eyes ripped out and there seems to be no motive whatsoever for the crimes. When the corpses start disappearing altogether, Lambert discovers something horrible: victims of these brutal attacks come back from the dead becoming mad, inhuman killers themselves. Knowing that his community may not survive this nightmare, he requisitions some serious firepower from Scotland Yard and arms his inexperienced police force. Are a few shotguns enough to stop the infernal horrors that the medallion has awakened?

Sounds cheesy, right? Well yeah, it is. Deathday is cheesetastic but the lightning fast pacing, the zombie-esque mayhem, creepy moments, and the splatter are what this is really all about. There is some almost comically predictable dialog in the book which caused some eye-rolling. And the relationship between Lambert and his wife Debbie is quite obnoxious. They are working through a traumatic experience from Lambert’s past so they drink a lot of booze and get it on. I mean, they get it on A LOT. The book would have been much better had there been one really good and steamy sex scene instead of several (I wasn’t counting) mediocre ones. Debbie does have a few redeeming moments but mostly her character is in damsel in distress mode. Lame.


(The author after he was kicked out of Megadeth or Stryper.)

The other lame thing about this book is the introduction. The author basically apologizes for the book saying that he wrote it when he was very young and is now amazed that he ever got it published blah blah blah. Whatever the story behind the book’s creation might be, Hutson is obviously very passionate about Deathday or it wouldn’t be this fun to read. The action is intense, the gore goes flying, and the awkward and corny moments go by quick enough. Thanks to Hutson's cinematic style, this book would make a great movie and it’s a damn quick read that leaves you wanting more at the end.

Deathday was definitely worth tracking down and I'm sure there's still more cheap copies out there. Thanks to y'all awesome dudes who helped me track it down.

October Report # 3

Here I am with my friend, Freddie Cougar!

The weekend started out with a visit to Wilson's Books in St. Pete where I raided the horror section buying paperbacks based solely on their covers or titles. I really love this store and whenever LeEtta and I are visiting her folks, we stop there. Their faded and bent Nightmare on Elm Street cardboard cutout is a landmark, I think. I managed to pick up three books and they look super exciting/terrible.


Illegal in most states.


Perfect cover for a Video Nasty except on a book.


Everything about this is perfect in every way.

Today, we hit a few Halloween stores and it was fun. I like how Target and Wal-Mart have decided that they are going to totally dick around this Halloween season and let all the other stores have all the fun. We hit Halloween City on Dale Mabry, Spirit or whatever its called in the University Mall, and good old Party City on Fowler. It was something all right. Even though I wasn't exactly blown away by anything in the stores, it did get me in the mood for the season.


More like Halloween Village! Zing!


Yoooooooooooooooo!


Disproportionate is the new spooky.


Wanker Texas Ranger! Zing again!


I bought this entire display.

The Search Continues

Okay folks, here's the deal: My buddy Scott and I are looking for a horror novel. He lent it to me many, many years ago and neither of us can remember what in the hell it's called. We've been in communication about it and we certainly remember the dang plot but as for author and title, well... No dice. I think the book is British from the early 80s. Here's what I've got:

All I can remember is that there was a group of people who were infected with some kind of disease or possessed by some kind of force that made them extremely violent and I think bloodthirsty as well. They go from house to house in this small town killing and turning everyone into creatures like themselves. I think they're eyes turn red and they become extremely powerful. Some folks rise up to combat these ghouls and I believe the book ends very abruptly.

Here's what Scott remembers (some spoilers):

I think it was the first zombie/infected book I ever read. I was wondering why they never tried to make it into a movie; it had potential. I think the infection started by touching a watch or some other jewelry, and it started with a severe headache. It ended with the local police finding all the infected holed up in a movie theater, and then burning it down. I believe a kid was re-infected in the last paragraph.

I ran this by Will at the great Too Much Horror Fiction blog and he suggested it might be The Fog by James Herbert. I've confirmed that this isn't the one but looks like a friggin' great book anyway. So the search continues. In any of you can remember or locate the title and author of this book, I'll give you a (crappy) prize. If you know of an archive of 80s and/or British horror novels I could go scrounging around in, that would be very helpful as well.

Laughter in the Dark

I don’t mean to brag but I used to read books. Yeah, it’s true. Ask just about anybody. One night, about 12 years or so ago, I was finishing up reading this awesome book by Vladimir Nabokov called Laughter in the Dark and as I got to the last chapter, it hit me: I had seen the movie adaptation of this book before (perhaps on cable when I was a kid). The climax of Nabokov’s sardonically cruel thriller (a prototype for Lolita) is amazing and unforgettable and the filmmakers had done an awesome job putting it on the screen. As for the rest of the movie, I couldn’t really remember any of it (and that may or may not be a comment on the film's quality; I just don’t recall anything else). The next day, I checked my local video store and couldn’t find a copy of the film. Pretty soon, Laughter in the Dark slipped my mind and years went by before I thought about it again.

When I did think of it again, IMDB told me that it starred the great Nicol Williamson of The Seven-Per-Cent Solution and Exorcist III and it also told me that it wasn’t available on VHS or DVD. Upon further investigation, anyone who wants to see Laughter in the Dark is pretty much screwed. I can’t even find a bootleg of this damn thing. I can't even find a friggin' trailer on Youtube. Jeez! Every couple of years, I run into the book on my shelves and I decide to go and hunt for the film again. If any of you crazy kids have seen this flick, let me know if I should just give up looking for it (even though I won’t). And if you happen to have a copy, please please please please please please please hook me up.

Wednesday Ramble: Horror Fiction Affliction Part 1

The first time I was aware of the existence of horror fiction was when I was around 9 years old. My sister was reading this weird paperback with a mutant deer on the cover. I have no idea what the book was called but the cover made quite an impression on me. I expressed some interest in reading it but my dad said that it was too scary for me. I was still at the age where I did whatever my parents told me (once in a while) so I never did get to read that one. The deer looked like a maniacal creature and it may have been up on two legs. If that rings a bell with anybody, drop me a line.



I loved to read when I was a kid and I remember shelling out some serious dough every time the Scholastic order forms came around my school. I was obsessed with the Bunnicula series and those Choose Your Own Adventure books for a while there. However, the first horror fiction book I ever read was Stephen King's Misery. I don't remember if it was my dad's copy or my mom's but someone left it sitting out long enough for me to pick it up. It was the summer of 1988 and I was 12 years old. Needless to say, I had never read anything quite like Misery before.

I can't really explain it but something about Misery hypnotized me. Chalk it up to my intense boredom that summer or just another broken synapse in my morbid kid-brain but a story about a writer being held hostage by an obsessed fan just did the trick. I tore through that dang book like it was going out of style and would go on to read it around 10 times over the next few years. When I got a little older, I used to have this fantasy that Annie Wilkes was really hot and I was Paul Sheldon. Way to go, Kathy Bates!

In my early teenage years, my Stephen King addiction shifted into full swing. Too bad the guy stopped writing in the 1980s. Oh wait, what? Like most of his fans, I read everything. My favorites were The Tommyknockers, 'Salem's Lot, Pet Semetary, It, The Dark Half, and The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger. Of course, I loved the Bachman books, the short story collections, and The Talisman collaboration with Peter Straub. The guy could do no wrong. Well, except for The Eyes of the Dragon. Fuck that book.

I guess King didn't really start to lose me until 1992 with Gerald's Game. Now I didn't hate that book or anything but after I was done with it and I was like "um... was that the sequel to Misery or something?" I mean the whole thing was just bizarre. Was this chick upset that she'd killed her husband or missing out on that lesbian affair in college? Or both? Or neither? Am I even thinking of the right book? Then Dolores Clairborne came out and it was the first of his books I couldn't get through. The oral history bit was just not something I could handle at that time. (I didn't know jack about William Faulkner, okay?) Maybe I'll give that one another chance someday.

Okay, so the final nail in the King coffin for me was Insomnia. The book came out after I graduated high school and I was a little busy so I didn't pick it up until after it had been out for a while. I got a job as a security guard after I turned 18 so I suddenly found myself with a whole lot of time on my hands for reading. When I finally got Insomnia, I read it in two 12 hour shifts. After I was done, I threw the book in the dumpster out behind the Cadillac dealership I was guarding.

What a piece of shit. Insomnia is the story of a guy who stops sleeping. He meets a lady who has also stopped sleeping. Due to his sleepless condition, he is able to see that people have lifestrings which midgets in labcoats cut when it is time for them to die. Okay, I might not be remembering this right but holy shit, I despised and still despise this book. I kept waiting for it to not suck and it never did stop sucking. Shit! What the fuck? That was the last Stephen King book I've read to this day. That's right. I haven't picked up a new King book in 15 years. Moving on...

The other big horror guy from that fateful era is, of course, Dean R. Koontz. Hey, how come he has hair now? Anyway... I can't remember which of this guy's books I read first.I have a vague memory of someone at a bookstore saying (with enthusiasm) 'If you like Stephen King, you gotta check out Dean Koontz!' That memory could be a false one but who cares? I don't. I probably read Twilight Eyes first. This book freaked me the hell out and still does. It's about a kid who can see demons living inside of very, very bad people. So he grows up, joins the circus, acquires some weapons, and goes after the beasties. It has moments that are genuinely terrifying. Dang, I need to read that again.

Of course, I remember devouring Midnight. There's a scene where a guy ejaculates in a sensory deprivation tank. How rude! Oh yeah, the inhabitants of a seaside town turn into beasts and kill people. This is just a fantastic book. I loved Lightning (though it does have that creepy molester duder in it) and The Face of Fear (which features a creepy threesome) but what is up with Watchers? Talk about your silly, overrated books. Bleh.



Koontz would knock my ass on the floor with The Bad Place. This might be his best book. It's so friggin' strange and outrageous, I won't say a word about it. Just read it. There's something intangible about Koontz. I don't know. He was almost as big a part of my horror development as King but it's hard to get a hold on the guy. The first book of his I gave up on was Dragon Tears and I haven't picked up anything since. If anybody knows which of his 300 books he's written since 1993 are worth checking out, let me know.

The man that really amazed me and filled my brain with all kinds of crazy shit was Robert R. McCammon. I was probably 14 or so when I picked up his 1988 book Stinger and was just blown away. This was some crazy shit. Stinger is a blend of science fiction, action, and horror as I had never seen it before. An alien trying to take over the world starts with a small midwestern town and holy fuck, it is pretty damn great. This book inspired me to write my own story called "Attack of the Alien Robot Zombies" but I am NOT going into that right now.



The next McCammon book I picked up was The Wolf's Hour. This is still my favorite werewolf book of all time. Duder combines WWII and werewolves and guess who wins... We all do. I also read the very odd Mystery Walk and the even odder Gone South. And though it strayed very far from horror, Boy's Life was exceptional. But yeah, I don't know what happened after that. I think I just stopped reading horror fiction and left McCammon behind. In fact, I only read The Night Boat recently. It's totally awesome! A Nazi zombie-filled U-boat goes on a rampage! Damn fine stuff.

Oops. My iPod just died. I guess I'll pick this up later. To be continued...

Pranks

From the back cover of Pranks:

"TRICK OR TREAT...AND DIE

It was Halloween night and the kids were dressed to kill. All they wanted was a little harmless fun on that foggy October evening - a little revenge against the uptight, solid citizens of Puget Sound who looked down on them. A few overturned garbage cans, a couple of smashed pumpkins, a cherry bomb or two, that was their plan. But as it grew darker and windier, their pranks turned meaner and nastier. Pets died, so did some livestock. And as the storm moved in, the kids were seized by an overpowering force of evil, compelling them to fearful acts of violence. Driven by mindless bloodlust, the children of Puget Sound went on a rampage of death and destruction; murder became their favorite trick and their victims' only treat was to die quickly."

I love trashy horror fiction from the 70s and 80s. First, I look for the most lurid covers I can find; the sillier, the better. Then I check out when the book was published and finally, I look at the back to see what the thing is supposed to be about. Since old paperbacks are pretty much worthless, I'm only losing a buck or two if the book turns out to be a dud. Pranks almost threw me when I saw that the copyright date in the book was from 1993. But the cover was just too delightfully corny and ugly to pass up. Plus, the plot description said it was children driven by an "overpowering force of evil" doing baaaaad things on Halloween night.. Little did I know, the lies this book was telling me were already stacking up.

Tell me if I'm crazy but doesn't the plot synopsis from the back of the book make it sound like a) something, possibly supernatural, is causing the children to go on a murdering spree and b) that there is more than one kid turning evil? Because neither of these things I inferred from the back of the book at the time of purchase came true. There isn't anything even remotely supernatural in this whole book and all of the evil is committed by one kid. That's right. ONE KID and his name is Bucky. Sure he has a few moronic lackeys but Bucky is the entire "overpowering force of evil" in Pranks. And one annoying thing. This book may have been published in 1993 but you can tell it was written in and takes place in the late 70s. Pranks isn't that dated but it's kind of distracting for a nitpicking douche like me.

The real problem of the book is its characters. These people are whiny, annoying, or are just obvious as hell in their motivations. The only thing that author Dennis J. Higman doesn't do (and this is a huge pet peeve of mine) which is make his characters speak their painfully obvious thoughts out loud. You see, everyone has moved to this posh suburb located near an old fishing village and so you have all these scenes showing the dark side of the American dream. Boo hoo, we've got 2.5 kids and a two car garage and a boat and a BMW, waa waa, life sucks! Wow yeah, I didn't need that from a pulpy horror novel. The only character that I liked is Mary, a subnormal (the result of inbreeding!) woman who runs around the town doing odd jobs for some drunken, cold-hearted, and rich beyatch.

Trust me on this one, I am obsessed with suburban horrors but Pranks just lets them all go to waste. One of the few chilling scenes happens at a community party when the lights go out due to the storm raging outside. The children don't seem phased at all by the darkness and just act kind of creepy. It's a cool scene. Does it go anywhere? Fuck no it doesn't. I kept waiting for these kids to get possessed or whatever and start biting their parents' throats out but nope, nothing. Once I accepted the fact that the book was going to be different than what I was expecting (after nearly 200 pages), I settled in and just let things happen.

I could have read this book in a weekend. Instead, it took me well over a month! I would read a little bit, get discouraged, and put it down. Then I'd go and read something else. I did this nearly every night and I don't know why but I just had to finish this thing. Had the actual plot on the back of the book been accurate, I still would have read it. Would my disappointment with the experience been the same? Probably but at least I wouldn't be here bitching about being totally ripped off. Anyway, the book is actually about a very disturbed teenager named Bucky Foster who terrorizes people in a small town on Halloween and the following day. It takes place around 1979 and it's kind of a lame book (though I will concede it would have made a decent grindhouse flick (the promotion of which probably would have been as full of lies as the blurb on the back of the book)). The end.