Franco Friday #30: A Virgin Among the Living Dead

Franco Friday #30

It's getting more and more difficult for me to sit through a Franco film, even one as good as A Virgin Among the Living Dead. I like this movie a whole, whole lot but I am beyond the maximum lifetime intake of Jess Franco. Every step I take feels like I'm sinking. This whole psychosexual movie mess I've got myself into is like a crack addled whirling dervish on the back of a bull in China shop. I humbly bow before you, dear reader, secretly hoping hoping you'll bring down the axe.


(Save for the naked chick, none of this poster is even remotely accurate.)

A Virgin Among the Living Dead
AKA Christina Chez les Morts Vivants
Directed by Jess Franco
1973
Christina von Blanc, Britt Nichols, Rosa Palomar, Anne Libert, Howard Vernon, Paul Muller, Jess Franco
79 minutes

Christina Benson (played by Christina von Blanc) travels to her family estate to hear the reading of her father's will. The moment Christina arrives, she senses that all is not right with her bizarre family. More and more she begins to suspect that these aren't just a bunch of greedy douchebagels but undead servants of "The Queen of the Night" (Anne Libert).

This film is odd even by Jess Franco standards. This is a super simple idea with painfully obvious metaphors laid out in confusing layers. The whole film relies completely on the ultra-freaky performances of its actors. A Virgin Among the Living Dead is told with beauty, the sexy bodies of its female leads, bizarre menace, and dark comedy. If you revel in the absurd and the painfully sad then this film is for you.

Bruno Nicolai, you magical son of a bitch! Hot fucking damn! Whenever Franco and Nicolai get together, the results are always astounding. This score starts off super weird with a tricked out synthesizer and bass guitar making some unsettling and yet funky sounds. Then the music gets jagged and even more dangerous in a fuzzed out and crazy way. And what would a Bruno Nicolai score be without those lovely vocal pieces? It just wouldn't!

Jess Franco pulls double duty on this picture by stepping in front of the camera to do some of his finest acting. Sure Basilio is an idiotic murderous mute freak manservant but Franco is actually rather lively in this role. He is just one of the kooks in this flick. One of my favorites, Anne Libert, plays "The Queen of the Night". Nuff said. Rosa Palomar and Howard Vernon play Christina's bonkers aunt and uncle and they do so with a fiendish delight that I want to bottle and deal out on the streets.

So Christina rejects the phallus, thus condemning herself to death? Really, Franco? That is like Sleazy Cinema Symbolism 101, duder. I think I'm going to call you Jeff from now on. Jeff Frakno. That is your new name. Yo, don't let any of the DVD covers or posters for this film fool you, this ain't no zombie fest. I'm sure all the Franco fanatics have already seen this one. It's pretty much classic Franco with some excellent moments that demonstrate the guy was ahead of his time back in the day. As usual, he is so sex-obsessed that he looks like a fucking buffoon even when he's getting everything else right. A Virgin Among the Living Dead is definitely worth a look.


I am the fog machine, you dick.


D's for never dirty, MC for mostly clean.


I am so rejecting your phallus right now.


Grave-robbing, it's a gateway drug.


Does this lip gloss make me look taller?


I'm here for the -URK!- Macumba Sexual screening.


I uh... lost my grip on the thermometer.


A virgin among the Tupperware hostess.

Franco Friday #29: Faceless

Franco Friday #29

I have to tell you, I feel liberated. Knowing that after this, there are only four more Franco Fridays is just awesome. Imagine me dressed up like Prince (Under the Cherry Moon era) and screaming at myself in the mirror: "The countdown has begun, beyatch!" Okay, don't imagine that. Anyway, I was going to watch Eugenie... The Story of Her Journey into Perversion this week but I bumped it from the final five since I had not one but two requests for Faceless and I (almost) always (never) give people what they want on CinSom. Y'all ever been to Miami? I HAVE!



Faceless
AKA Las Predateurs de la Nuit
Directed by Jess Franco
1987
Starring Helmut Berger, Brigitte Lahaie, Telly Savalas, Christopher Mitchum, Stephane Audran, Caroline Munro
98 minutes

After his sister’s face is melted off by an unsatisfied customer, plastic surgeon Dr. Flamand (played by Helmut Berger) conducts illegal experiments in order to restore her beauty. He and his assistant (Brigitte Lahaie) pick up models, hookers, and actresses so that Dr. Moser (Anton Diffring), a former Nazi surgeon, can cut their faces off and use them for possible transplant candidates. When they take a model (Caroline Munro) with a rich father (Telly Savalas), they draw the attention of private eye Sam Morgan (Christopher Mitchum). Faces and other human parts are gonna fly!



If you take all the elements of Faceless separately, nothing adds up. Let’s start with the music. While I admit that it is very catchy, the songs are some putrid sub-basement level pop garbage. The score during the horror scenes peps up a bit. The acting is all over the place and the actors are either dubbed or should have been dubbed. But I’ll talk more about that in a moment. The editing gets real impatient during the dialog scenes but that is totally forgivable with this script. The sleazy elements of this movie are very awkward. You can almost feel the pent up frustration of horny old Franco as his actors paw at each other like teenagers in a darkened theater while Jaws: The Revenge plays unwatched up on the screen.



I’ve got to hand it to Jacques Gastineau, the guy can make some splatter happen. His gore effects are quite satisfying here. Maybe his faux heads look a little weak but most of the other parts are solid. Or squishy. Thanks to Gastineau, Faceless has eye violence, severed hands, a nasty rotting head, and, as promised in the title, facelessness. If you’re not at least a little shocked by a certain scene where a face transplant goes awry and some wicked face shredding takes place then my friend, you need to take a break from horror for a while. Go watch some Murder She Wrote until gore means something to you again.



The more I think about this cast, the more my brain aches. Brigitte Lahaie (Grapes of Death), who has never disappointed me EVER is great as the loyal, evil, and insanely greedy Nathalie. Helmut frickin’ Berger (The Bloodstained Butterfly) is in this one and the only way his character could have been any more awesome is if his name had been Dr. Fromage. The great Anton Diffring is totally awesome as the hilariously evil Dr. Moser. Keep your face peeled for a sweet cameo from Lina Romay as the wife of Dr. Orloff. Oh that’s right, there is a Dr. Orloff in this movie and he is played by Howard Vernon. I think I will call him Ho-Vern from now on. You like that?



I will admit that these are some very stiff performances but who cares? This is Euro horror, my friends. Deal with it. Telly Savalas probably wasn’t the only person who didn’t give a shit on the set of Faceless but he’s the only one letting it show. And just for the record, I am softening on the issue of Christopher Mitchum. I used to really dislike this guy but then it dawned on me: He is a B movie actor, so chill, dawg! Those are words from my actual brain. To be fair, he’s actually okay in Faceless. His fight scenes are good and when he meets up face to face with a very dark twist in the plot, the guy gets it together. I wanted to see more of him and Caroline Munro. Their brief scenes together are pretty promising but whaddayagonnado?



I don’t know why but I dig Faceless as much as I do. It might have something to do with the fact that Howard Vernon has more makeup on than Brigitte Lahaie and Caroline Munro combined. It might be the garish lighting and the French cinematographers. Heck, it might even be the presence of one of the worst gay stereotypes ever: the bitchy fashion photographer. I think someone actual told this guy to out-sass the one in The Case of the Bloody Iris. Damn. Anyway, there is just something irresistible about Franco’s adventures in splatter. This and Bloody Moon are good time films and are sure to garner him some fans that will be totally confused when they get to something like Women Without Innocence. Yeah right, I'm the only one dumb enough to watch that!



“You dirty bitch! When I get outta here, I’ll tear your heart out!”

Franco Friday #28: Marquis de Sade's Justine

Franco Friday #28

Once again, I return to the Franco fray but not for much longer. After 28 weeks, I have come to a decision about my quest. I have handpicked 5 Franco films for the next 5 weeks and they will be the last of the Franco Friday series. You see, I simply cannot continue with this. Every time I reach for a Franco film, it's more softcore porn garbage that I don't want to watch, much less review. This revelation came to me during an aborted attempt at watching The Sexual Story of O. I am so friggin' done with dry-humping and gooch zooms and I refuse to attempt to appreciate this nonsense on my blog anymore. So, instead of 52 films, I am going to pull the plug on this fucker at 33. Don't worry, the last 5 films are going to be good ones. That is one thing I know for certain. I just want to be myself again. Jess Franco is the most evil man in the history of the world. I'm not being melodramatic. You're being melodramatic!



Marqui de Sade: Justine
Directed by Jess Franco
1969
Starring Klaus Kinski, Romina Power, Maria Rohm, Rosemary Dexter, Carmen de Lirio, Jack Palance, Sylvia Koscina, Howard Vernon
124 minutes

"This is the story of Justine and the misfortunes of virtue."

In a prison cell, the Marquis de Sade (played by Klaus Kinsi) is tormented by visions and thus writes the story of Justine. Two girls, Juliette and Justine (Maria Rohm and Romina Power), find out that their father has fled the country in shame with creditors nipping at his heels, leaving them alone in the world. They get kicked out of the convent and sent along their way. Juliette takes up living a life of crime that includes but is not limited to working in a brothel and drowning people. Justine attempts to stay virtuous, ends up losing what little money she has, and goes on all kinds of terrible adventures.



Jess Franco knocks another one out of the park with Justine. This film is full of ribaldry, silliness, beauty and tragedy. It is also a visual spectacle. The lighting is very colorful and the camerawork by Manuel Merino is fantastic. The musical score by the always brilliant Bruno Nicolai is sometimes bombastic, always lush, simply amazing. Yes, my friends, this is very, very classy smut. And it's not all poisoned puppies and thorny roses either because the world is populated by lecherous creeps, whores, crooks, and murderers.



Horst Frank! Sylvia Koscina! Jack Palance! Rosalba Neri! Howard Vernon! (I don't know why I put an exclamation point after Howard Vernon's name.) This is a star-studded affair and everyone is good. Mercedes McCambridge is awesome as Madame Dubois an escaped convict and leader of a pack of ruffians. Klaus Kinski is like a caged animal, tormented by visions of women in chains and spectres. Romina Power is very good as the virtuous and tragic Justine even though, according to trivia, Franco was forced to cast her in the role and hated her performance. Maria Rohm is perfectly devilish as her naughty sister who is more than willing to follow her own wicked excesses to the bitter end. Palance is particularly unhinged in this movie. He gives me the fuckin' creeps, man. Jeez!



My only complaint about this sumptuous production is the running time is 124 minutes! I'm sorry but all the fish eye lenses in the world can't help a film like this stay interesting for that long. I thought Justine was supposed to be 90 minutes so when that came and went, I was kind of let down that this thing kept going. Even with it's bloated running time and meandering plot, I still think that Jess Franco fans will find plenty to enjoy here. According to IMDB, this was Franco's most expensive film and it really shows with it's lavish sets, huge cast, and decadent... um... everything.



"Now remember what I told you, virtue must be avoided. It is sure disaster. And poverty must be avoided at all costs."

1976 Double Feature: The Sexy Killer & Death Weekend

It seems that every year that I am alive, I get a year older. And every year my birthday is always today, the 4th of August. Weird, right? Anyway, I am here to celebrate with y'all, my internet budz, by checking out a couple more films from my birth year, 1976. Enjoy!



The Sexy Killer
AKA The Drug Connection
Directed by Chung Sun
1976
Starring Ping Chen, Hua Yueh, Wei Szu, Ching Tien, Yang Chiang, Shen Chan
88 minutes

When her sister goes insane after a heroin overdose, Wan Fei (played by Ping Chen) wages her own war against drugs, going undercover as a junkie/hooker and then shaking down (and killing) mofos for information. Her friend Wei-ping (Hua Yueh) is the only uncorrupted cop in the city but his hands are tied. Things get even more complicated when Wen Fei sets her sights on taking down Lung Tou (Shen Chan), a ruthless drug lord and S&M freakazoid, who has his hand in every pot of corruption in the city.



This Shaw Brothers' remake of Coffy is a freakin' riot. It has all the cynicism, sleaze, and melodrama of the original Pam Grier vehicle plus the gratuitous and gleeful slow motion ultra-violence of They Call Her One Eye. And oh my, it all works! The camerawork is perfect and the colors are vibrant and even occasionally searing. From the bombastic opening credit sequence to it's awesome finale, The Sexy Killer's pacing is exceptional with tons of action, over-the-top acting, and disco fabulousness. This might just be my new favorite Shaw Brothers movie. All that's missing is Sid Haig. Highly recommended if you like movies containing hookers, strippers, pimps, drug dealers, and crooked cops.



"Drugs! Drugs! I hate it so much!"



Death Weekend
AKA The House by the Lake
Directed by William Fruet
1976
Starring Brenda Vaccaro, Don Stroud, Chuck Shamata, Richard Ayres, Kyle Edwards
87 minutes

A dentist named Harry (palyed by Chuck Shamata) brings a model named Diane (Brenda Vaccaro) out to his vacation home out in the boonies. He claims that he is having a big get together but this sleazy duder only has one thing on his mind: banging Diane. On the way out to the house, Harry and Diane run afoul of a quartet of violent scumbags led by a guy named Lep (Don Stroud). Thanks to the help of some local yokels, the creeps manage to follow them to the house and they immediately start making trouble. You know this isn’t going to end well. At least, not for Harry.



Home invasion horror meets rape-revenge thriller in Death Weekend, a nasty little piece of 70s insanity that I like more than I should. Director William Fruet would go on to direct some other genre oddities like Funeral Home, Spasms, Killer Party, and Blue Monkey. I can’t find who composed the music for this film but they did a fine job. The music is eerie, pretty, and very good.



I really like Brenda Vaccaro in this film but the script has some pretty terrible moments of “I will speak my thoughts out loud now” and even worse: "ooh am I enjoying this rape?" As usual, her voice is so husky and breathy that it begs parody (not even SCTV could resist) but I really like her character when she gets pushed too far and starts mopping the floor with the baddies. The always dependable Don Stroud steals the film as Lep, a terrifying psycho fuckwad out looking for trouble with his horrible crew of shitpiles. I like how Harry is not only a wimp but also a terrible pervert loser as well. I’m glad the script adds an extra sleazy vibe to the guy but Chuck Shamata barely holds his own and could have gone farther with his role.



While it turned out to be an engrossing and nail-biting film, I wouldn’t call Death Weekend an essential piece of trash cinema. The menace, tension, and mayhem are all delivered successfully but there is little to elevate this above its place among other similar pieces of pointlessly offensive garbage. That being said, I found myself enjoying the film against my will. So if you’re gonna watch this thing, trust me, the end is worth sticking around for. The finale makes up for the uber-unpleasant setup. I’m sure super-producer Ivan Reitman is very proud of this film to this day.



"Jesus, that broad can drive! That pisses me off!"

Hello! This is the Doomed Show #4: Tourist Trap

Oh snizzap! We're back with another episode. This time we talk about Tourist Trap. Check it out at Podomatic or you can download it right here.

Franco Friday #27: Night of the Skull

Franco Friday #27

Hey kids. I am finally past the halfway mark on my Franco Friday project. Honestly, I didn't think I would make it this far. I still don't think that I am what you call a 'Jess Franco kind of guy'. But come on, this is number 27! I don't think I have a choice in the matter. Maybe 25 weeks from now, I'll cut the self-denial bit and just accept my place among the Franco freaks.



Night of the Skull
AKA La Noche de los Asesinos
Directed by Jess Franco
1976 (filmed in 1973)
Alberto Dalbes, Evelyne Scott, William Berger, Maribel Hidalgo, Lina Romay, Vicente Roca, Yelena Samarina, Antonio Mayans, Angel Menendez, Luis Barboo
83 minutes

After Lord Archibald Marian (played by Angel Menendez), the patriarch of a large and affluent family, is murdered by a mysterious killer in a skull-like mask, his family gathers on the family estate for the reading of his will. Inspector Bore (Vicente Roca) and Major Oliver Brooks (Alberto Dalbes) are called in to investigate the murder and get more than they bargained for as the bodies of Lord Archibald’s descendants keep popping up. Things get even more nuts when a second will is discovered and it turns out that someone isn’t who they claim to be.



In Night of the Skull, Franco mixes an Edgar Allen Poe (actually Edgar Wallace) story with elements from the krimi and giallo genres with fairly successful results. On a clunky scale of 1-10, 1 being not very clunky and 10 being very clunky, Night of the Skull rates around 11. The killer’s mask is a dime store rubber cheapie and many of the scenes feel like rushed first takes. Surprisingly, instead of patching over the holes with weirdness and sex*, Franco charges forward, delivering a very different film from his usual fare. It is almost as if this wacked out director decided to just cool it and do a normal movie for a change.



The film’s score by Carlo Savina (Fangs of the Living Dead) is superb and really gives the film a special vibe. The camerawork by Javier Perez Zofio is decent enough. There are some out of focus bits (standard Franco) and it’s a little dark at times (which may just be the substandard Image DVD) but he does make the most of the old architecture and decent sets. Now don’t get me wrong, this movie looks cheap as shit most of the time and hastily thrown together for the rest but I’m not complaining.



What this movie needs is more characters! It seems like every time a scene where a character is being introduced ends, another one begins. I don’t mind so much since I dig this cast and everyone is pretty distinct in their respective roles. Alberto Dalbes is especially spirited in this film and gleefully jumps into his role of the energetic and slightly naughty Major Brooks. In one scene, he talks to a woman on the phone while spying on her through a keyhole, even commenting on how good she looks in her nightgown. And this guy is supposed to solve a crime? It’s also nice to see Yelena Samarina (Werewolf Shadow) as intense as ever. She plays Deborah, the stern and very suspicious maid, and she’s just awesome.



Lina Romay is the only one who gets screwed on this one (zing!). Her character Rita, the illegitimate daughter of Lord Archibald, is cold, somber, and damaged almost beyond repair and she does a great job. But then in a couple of scenes, she suddenly starts sobbing and it’s really awkward and terrible. This is the first time I’ve been disappointed with a performance from Romay. Hell, she even stays mostly clothed in this one! I can’t help but think that some better direction would have helped her. But honestly, Lina could have stepped up to the plate in those moments and not been quite so bad.



While it does take some (read as: a lot of) patience and a good attitude (I happen to have a great attitude!), I really like Night of the Skull a whole, whole lot. The murders aren’t bloody but they are quite sadistic. Even with all of the characters, I enjoyed the twisty story and there’s even a very odd séance sequence which always improves a film in my estimation. The atmosphere is that of an old-fashioned gothic chiller and you know, it’s gonna get dicey when there’s an inheritance involved. Some will call this a slapdash mess but Franco won me over once again.

*I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is the Spanish clothed version of Night of the Skull. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if a naughtier version of this film exists somewhere. I really don’t care because all the sex would just fuck up this film’s perfect running time.

400th Post Spectacular

(Someone please, pat me on the back with a butcher knife.)

Wow. This is insane. Four hundred wastes of time! Huzzah! I'd like to take the time to thank everyone who reads, has read, or doesn't read Cinema Somnabulist. Extra special thanks goes out to my friends who have guest-blogged over the last couple years and helped me reach this milestone. And now... Self indulgence! Here are some things I like:

Slashers in the Night

Last Memorial Day weekend, I staged a nice little moviethon. In 3 days, I watched 21 slasher movies that I had never seen before. The results were... well... I don't know. This is how it went down.

Franco Friday #26: Virgin Report

Franco Friday #26: Virgin Report

Hey folks, it is officially the halfway mark of the Franco Friday series so here’s a little something special. My good friend Nafa volunteered to review a Franco film and I gladly and gratefully allowed him to take over this week. See you next Franco Friday, y'all.

Howdy, Nafa here - I'm stepping in this week to take over Franco Friday. Just think of me as Simon of Cyrene to Richard’s messianic figure, stepping in briefly to help alleviate the burden of this wall-eyed cross he has chosen to bear for your sins/entertainment.



Virgin Report
AKA Jungfrauen-Report
Directed by Jess Franco
1972
Starring Hans Hass Jr., Eva Garden, Ingeborg Steinbach
71 minutes
Review by Nafa

First off, let me start with the end credit. This whole thing was based on an idea by someone named Art Bernd. When the revolution comes you now know who to drag into the street first and throw up against the wall.


What are you trying to tell us, Mr. Franco?

To the best of my recollection, this is my first Jess Franco film in its entirety. I’ve heard the rumors about his legacy but scoffed and waved any warnings off. I told Richard to just hand me any old film, sight unseen, and I’ll do it. What I got was Virgin Report, a docu-mocku-sexu-mentary with no coherent storyline and a plot which can be summed up in one word, and it’s a favorite word of Mr. Franco: DEFLORATION.



The film was made in a time when things like sociology, history, and humanities were pure conjecture from utter bullshit. It takes you on a voyage through time and culture to the practices of indigenous peoples and their dealings with virginity. Several times throughout, the film reminds you that it was shot on ‘five continents’, and apart from stock footage I figure those five continents are Europe, Northern Europe, Central-Northern Europe, Berlin, and Europe.


This is what African ecstasy looks like.

What semblance of a story there is begins with Adam and Eve, travels through to the Stone Age, and lands firmly in a German discotheque accosting patrons about their virginity. It’s not so much a film as it is an excuse. It’s motto is, ‘Sex macht frei’ (which is a direct quote from the German-language audio). There is a sudden storyline about an unsatisfied Deutsche fräulein who is unsatisfied with her lover and falls into bed with her older, more experienced neighbor. Kind of like ‘Friends’, only funny. But, just as the story gets steamy, it jumps back to the history lesson, where in one scene we are treated to actual African men... and a Caucasian woman in blackface.



However, I don’t want to give the impression that this film doesn’t teach you something about culture. The indisputable facts I’ve learned from this film are:

- Indians sit nude in anthills for weeks to quash any carnal desires.
- Sicilians to this day use kidnapping and rape to signify intent of marriage.
- Greeks invented the silver dildo.
- Native Americans have sex with trees.
- Indian islanders (WTF?) have sex on hammocks in front of stock footage.
- Amazonian women circumcise men with their sharp blades on their teeth—and it doesn’t hurt.
- Central American women use a serrated knife on themselves to eliminate their virginity.



By far the best (and most cohesive) contribution to this film is the soundtrack, which is up to 1970s finest. It’s pure bliss. Thank you for the slight sedation, Rolf Bauer and Daniel White. And look for the tuba-flatulent priest and the non-German speaking Italian, also brief highlights.


... and SCENE.

I’m not sure what else I can say about this film that hasn’t already been said in obscene gesticulations and strong language. What I will say is, here, take your goddamned cross back, Rick.

More Nafa here.

Hello! This is the Doomed Show - Episode 3: The Vibe

Instead of just covering one film, for our third episode, Brad and I attack many, many films and "The Vibe". What is the "The Vibe", you ask? Well, it's that practically indescribable sensation you get when watching really great Euro-horror movies. I have talked about it on the blog before here. So yes, this is our epic show. We hope you like. You can download the new episode right here at Mediafire yo.

This episode has been archived and is not currently available at our page at Podomatic. But the Mediafire link above is still active.