For some reason, I have a vague idea that my mom rented The Uninvited for me when it was on the New Releases shelf at Blockbuster video. During those magical days, I often rummaged through the horror section on my own while my mom killed the new stuff. I could be wrong though. In fact, I can't remember exactly when I first caught this one. It could have been as late as 1990 for all I know. Anyway, this paragraph is really boring.
What I remembered about this movie:
There is some disgusting inflating and deflating bladder effects with lots of blood squirting around in The Uninvited. I also remember getting a little nauseous when the creature kept popping of the cat's mouth like a demented hairball and more than a little freaked out that a scratch from its claws would make your veins explode. I also remember George Kennedly obesely running around the boat a lot.
What I didn't remember about this movie:
Alex Cord, of The Dead Are Alive and an amazing episode of Murder She Wrote, also stars in this one. He really hones his craft in this movie. And by 'hones', I mean 'gesticulates wildly' and by 'craft' I mean 'having an aneurism'. Strangely enough, it is the cat that gives the best performance in this film.
Dracula vs. Frankenstein
Directed by Al Adamson
1971
Starring J. Carrol Naish, Lon Chaney Jr., Zandor Vorkov, Anthony Eisley, Regina Carrol
91 minutes
Dr. Duryea AKA Dr. Frankenstein (played by J. Carrol Naish), with the help of his monster serum-addled assistant Groton (Lon Chaney Jr.), has been murdering women on the beach in order to perform ghastly experiments. One night, Count Dracula shows up with a proposition. Dracula has discovered the remains of the original Frankenstein’s monster and will help the doctor get his revenge on the medical community that discredited him. What does he want in return? Nothing really; he just wants to pull some evil shit on an unsuspecting world.
MEANWHILE... Nightclub performer Judy Fontaine (played by Regina Carrol) is searching for her missing sister Joanie and she gets a big dose of LSD from a bald biker with a ludicrous looking scar on his head. She is rescued by a pair of happy go lucky hippies, Strange (Greydon Clark) and Samantha (Anne Morrell). Next Judy meets Mike Howard (Anthony Eisley), a hippie guru who knew Joanie before she disappeared. The gang heads down to the boardwalk to check out Dr. Duryea’s horror funhouse to see if Joanie (who had an interest in the macabre) might have gone there. Little does Judy know that her sister has already become a part of the mad doctor’s horrifying menagerie.
At some point, you have to open your heart to the world of Al Adamson. I didn’t think I could do it but I asked myself: “Who am I to resist greatness?” His films are slapdash and awkward but full of chaotic beauty. Dracula vs. Frankenstein is a kooky disaster infused with hippies, acid trips, surfers, and bikers (that were intended for an unfinished biker film). The horror elements and the biker elements go together like razor blades and Cheese Whiz but I have to admit this film is pretty damn entertaining. When the plot comes to a complete stop for some romance between Judy and Mark, it’s no bummer. Hey square, I can dig on these love vibes!
The cast in this movie could not be better. Lon Chaney Jr. acts like a junkie and super prolific J. Carrol Naish (House of Frankenstein) is the master of mad science, calling the shots from his wheelchair of doom. Zandor Vorkov makes his goateed and swarthy Count Dracula work by the sheer will of his eyebrows alone. Adamson regular, Regina Carrol, is sultry and sexy -well, she has big boobs and big hair anyway. Angelo Rossitto (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome) may be small in stature but he is hugely creepy as Grazbo, the boardwalk barker leading unsuspecting hip kids to their doom.
Out of all the Al Adamson films I’ve seen, this is probably my favorite. The quick pacing dies a dopey death in the last 10 minutes and the off kilter weirdness from the weak writing, expository overdubs, and childlike editing is even more aggressive than usual. But you know, I pretty much loved every second. Dracula vs. Frankenstein is a bargain basement monster mash-up sifted through the mind of a man who thought he knew what the hippie generation would want to see on the big screen. If you don’t think you can handle a dough-faced Frankenstein’s monster fighting a disco Dracula then this film ain’t for you. I thought that perhaps you’d be MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH or BOTH ENOUGH to deal with it but you’re not.
“They want to see an illusion. They do not realize that reality itself is the grandest illusion of all. And that human blood is the essence from which future illusions may be created.”
Bad Girls from Mars Directed by Fred Olen Ray Released: 1990 Starring Edy Williams, Oliver Darrow, Brinke Stevens, Jay Richardson, Jeffrey Culver Running Time: 86 minutes DVD Studio: Lions Gate
Bad Girls from Mars is marketed as a sci-fi T&A spoof but in reality, it’s about the making of a sci-fi T&A spoof. A film crew making the titular (emphasis on the ‘tit’) film is beset with problems as each of their leading ladies dies under mysterious circumstances. TJ the director (played by Oliver Darrow) is at his wits’ end trying to get the production under control and it isn’t helped at all by the slimy producers and its awful leading man Richard Trent (John Richardson). Trent’s girlfriend and wardrobe girl, Myra (Brinke Stevens), offers to fill the role but the producers have someone else in mind already: Emanuelle Fortes (Edy Williams), ditzy blonde bombshell and queen of sex. Now the killer is after Emanuelle and is quite happy to leave a trail of corpses along the way to his prize.
Once I realized that this movie wasn’t a spoof but a spoof of a spoof, I kind of settled down a little bit. In fact, for the first 10 or 15 minutes, I was ready to bail on Bad Girls from Mars. Then Brinke Stevens shows up and I realized why I was there in the first place. Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), the American maestro of cheese, directs this kooky flick which references Ed Wood (repeatedly) and spoofs The Happy Hooker. Filled with continuity errors (intentional, I think), goofy sound effects, knee-slapping one liners, and insanely gratuitous nudity, Bad Girls from Mars is pretty darn entertaining.
Edy Williams (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) is pretty outrageous here as sex goddess Emanuelle. She looks a little worn out but her overdone breathiness just works. The best bit comes when Emanuelle goes to a convenience store to ask for help after she narrowly escapes the killer. She doesn’t notice that the place is in the middle of a stickup; hilarious hijinks ensue. Oliver Darrow (Teenage Exorcist) makes for a likeable guy who has that annoying problem of women throwing themselves at him. Aw, poor guy. And of course, we have Brinke Stevens of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Haunting Fear as Myra, the plucky wardrobe girl. One of the film’s strangest asides happens when, while the crew is filming a scene for the sci-fi movie, the camera suddenly pans to the left and we see Brinke in some lingerie smiling like a cat and cracking a whip. Then the camera pans back to the scene at hand. It’s weird, it’s pointless, and it’s genius.
Bad Girls from Mars definitely surprised me. I was expecting one thing that would not have been as good as what this turned out to be. Wait, what was that? If you don’t like corny jokes and a parade of silicone then stay far away from this flick. I went from thinking I would turn this off after 5 minutes to catching myself laughing out loud at some real zingers. If nothing else stick around for the climax when the heroes are only seconds away from rescuing the damsel in distress but decide to stop for burgers and pizza. It’s good for a larf, let me tells ya.
Quotes
“There’s no room on Mars for limp dicks!”
SPOILERS and Other Stuff
According to IMDB, Bad Girls from Mars was shot in 5 days. Hmm, I could see that. The site also says that Fred Olen Ray had to cut 8 minutes of material before the film could be released including a kiss between Brinke Stevens and Edy Williams. Hmm, moderately interesting. Okay, onto the spoiler stuff. So it turns out that Brinke Stevens is the killer. I was going to accuse this movie of not having enough Brinke in my review but then she gets a great speech at the end about her motives for killing people and chasing after Emanuelle. Next thing you know, she has a grenade in her mouth and all’s well that ends well.
Hey there, good people. (And I’m serious when I say that all of you are good people.) At some point in one’s childhood, one either stops being nerdy (and goes boogie boarding) or one just gets nerdier (and rents Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn for the fifth time and watches it alone (again)). As you can see, I chose the latter and I’ll never recover. What I find interesting is that I could have become a total comic book nerd or a sci-fi nerd or a horror movie nerd or an RPG nerd. I had enough nerd points gathered for any of those nerdy categories. For some reason (which I have explored thoroughly), horror won out. Science fiction was the easiest genre for me to give up on but there are so many fun things that made my friggin’ head explode with their bizarre ideas, insane plotlines, and/or total cheese.
All of the movies I’m going to blab about have a common thread, each have mated with multiple genres in order to reach multiple markets. The most common genre blended with science fiction in the following is action. Horror likes to sneak in there once in a while but mostly, action seems to be the easiest of sci-fi’s bedfellows. Like most children of the 80s, I think my sci-fi-ness really got started with something as obvious as Alien and then several years later with Aliens. But there were other things that influenced me as well. I'm starting to realize that my voyage through science fiction was a doomed from the start. Anyway, here we go.
I remember a strange show that came on after "Monty Python’s Flying Circus". It was called "Doctor Who" and the theme song scared the hell out of me. All I remember about the show was a cheesy looking robot walking on (what I thought was) the surface of Mars and a guy with crazy hair who dressed like a British schoolboy. There was "Buck Rogers" but all I remember from that is BEE TEE BEE TEE BEE TEE BEE TEE BEE TEE BEE TEE BEE TEE. And what kid didn’t watch the original "Battlestar Galactica" and revel in the tedium? Down, Muffit, down! Bad dog!
As for science fiction movies, I guess I’ll start with The Black Hole. I remember seeing this movie at a very young age and being amazed, terrified, and immensely bored all at the same time. My mom bought me the toys for V.I.N. CENT and Maximilian. They mixed very well my Star Wars toys. A few years later, I would attempt the same cohabitoytion between my G.I. Joes, He-Man toys, and a Tupperware container full of Legos that failed. Big time, yo.
Another science fiction film I remember seeing at a very young age (that wasn’t Star Wars or Flash Gordon (oh, that theme song)) was a freaky little number called Android. I couldn’t sleep one night so I snuck out of bed and put on HBO just in time to catch the opening credits. What awaited me is a nihilistic and perverted little film starring Don Keith Opper as Max 404, an android who just wants to love (or kill if he doesn’t get to love, whatever) and Klaus Kinski as Dr. Daniel, Max’s creator and a total dick. Some space pirates show up, take control of the space lab, and things end pretty badly for everyone involved. There are sexual situations, awkward android moments, and a genuinely depressing atmosphere hangs over the entire movie. SPOILER: Max gets his own love droid. Isn’t that cute? No, it’s creepy and fucked up! Of course, vastly important things like Blade Runner and Planet of the Apes (when some network started playing all 5 movies on TV incessantly) came along shortly after this and made me even more afraid of the future. Android made me afraid of people. And androids. And Klaus Kinski, who is neither.
On a downloading spree I went on recently (I swear it was for charity), I found Eliminators. When I saw that amazing poster art staring back at me on my computer screen, I jumped for joy (while remaining completely still in my seat). This silly ass movie has cyborgs, a ninja, and a time machine. What more could a kid want from filmic entertainments? I loved this movie when I first witnessed it 24 years ago. But the funny thing about Eliminators is that I rented the tape again a few weeks later and couldn’t sit through it. Not even an almost boob shot from Denise Crosby could hold my interest the second time around. Now that I have a copy of it again, I’ll be able to judge it properly. And why the hell isn’t this on DVD anyway?
A year or so after the amazing Robocop entered my life, I got to see Cyborg. My parents and I were staying at a fancy hotel for another Tupperware convention and I was allowed to stay up late and watch Cyborg on the pay-per-view thingie. While my parents slept, I sat at the edge of our beds in complete darkness and had my mind torn in half by the awesomeness of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Now keep in mind that I was only 12 when this happened and please take pity on how lame I was (am). While I can’t confirm this (as I haven’t watched this film in a very long time) but I swear there was some brief nudity in Cyborg. I remember some boobs flashing and I was like ‘OH SHIT, I HOPE MOM AND DAD DIDN’T SEE THAT LADY'S BOBBINS- oh wait, they’re asleep.’ Anyway, I friggin’ loved this movie and I am kind of scared to watch it again for fear of it turning out to be a complete piece of shit.
Uh oh, I’m getting a little loopy now. Two movies that will be forever entangled in my mind are Trancers and Nemesis (from the same guy who directed Cyborg). Even though they were released 7 years apart, I saw them both around the same time and it just gets confusing. Both films have phenomenal cover art and they both have Tim Thomerson! These are great films but I can barely remember them. I know they are both better than Slipstream with Mark Hamill and Bill Paxton. That movie is about wind but it also features an android. There’s always Hardware, a movie that is so friggin’ disturbing that they needed the music of Ministry mixed with video footage of Gwar (as if neither of those bands are scary enough on their own). I seem to remember a long sex scene and a perverted fat guy peeping tom watching through the wall. Then a robot designed to kill humans reassembles itself and starts fucking shit up. Unfortunately, I remember Enemy Mine all too well. Not that it isn't a great film or anything but could it be any more preachy? Sheesh!
There were some also horrible disappointments that helped steer me away from the genre for years. Did you ever see I Come in Peace? It answered the age old question: “How could anything with Dolph Lundgren be bad?” For some reason, I need to mention Robot Jox. Oh wait, I remember. It sucks! Poor Stuart Gordon went from Re-Animator and From Beyond to friggin’ Robot Jox? This is one unbelievably dull and annoying movie. I had just gotten over mourning the death of my happy thoughts thanks to The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. That baffling and stupid (now cultish) movie answers the age old question: “How could anything with Peter Weller be bad?”
Okay, this definitely is part 1 or something. I didn't even mention The Ice Pirates or Megaforce. Plus, there are a bevy of post apocalyptic films I want to ramble on about but that's something that could turn into a moviethon. I am full of promises and lies. Thank you.
Holocaust 2000, from director Alberto De Martino, is a big budget (okay, modest budget) rip-off of The Omen but I have to admit, it does have its charm. Kirk Douglas stars as a businessman who wants to set up the world's biggest nuclear reactor out in the desert in order to solve the energy crisis. Unfortunately, his son (played by Simon Ward) is the spawn of Satan and wants to use an accident at the plant to start World War III. The film features some bizarre imagery, a few decent gore sequences, and a great score by Ennio Morricone. This movie quietly showed up on DVD a couple years back under one of its many alternate titles, Rain of Fire, and it's worth a rental even if it's just for a laugh or for the lovely Agostina Belli (Night of the Devils).
Mr. Douglas, look out! Dario Argento is right behind you!
John Jacob JingleheimerJesus, his name is my name too!
Surprise! I'm not a Superman villian.
Article 16 of Mr. Douglas' Contract: Oily butt shot!
One of my earliest memories of a horror movie almost scaring me was around the time when The Exorcist was making its debut on a local TV station. I’m pretty sure I was 8 years old when one night, my dad and I were watching TV and I was dumbstruck by an ad showing a couple of highlights from this classic and very terrifying film. My mind came unglued. The sight of Linda Blair as Regan staring off into space with goo dripping from her face freaked me the fuck out. About 5 minutes later, my dad reminded me it was time for bed. I begged and pleaded not to have to sleep in my room upstairs. The house seemed so creepy all of a sudden that I couldn’t even think about ascending the stairs. He agreed to let me sleep in my sister’s room next to the den. She was staying at a friend’s house so I retreated there and left the door open.
My logic was unfortunately flawed. You see, I could still hear the TV from my sister’s room and my dad was still watching TV on the same channel that was playing the ad. So every 10 minutes or so, I could hear the demon’s threatening voice, the shouting of the priests, and the screaming of Regan’s poor mother. Worse still, my sister had these cheap closet doors that wouldn’t close completely. I had to keep getting up to try and close them. Every time it seemed they would stay closed, they would come unlatched and slowly open again. I just knew there was an evil girl in there about to jump out and kill me at any moment. I called my dad into the room about 10 times and he finally had to yell at me to get me to chill the hell out.
This isn’t the commercial that scared me but it’s got a few snippets of what got to me:
It wasn’t until many years later that I got up the nerve to rent The Exorcist and finally watch it. I think I was 13 or so when I finally confronted one of the most horrifying films ever made. We picked up the VHS at the video store and I watched it alone in my room. This experience was anything but disappointing. I was mortified, exhilarated, and shaken to the core. My only option was to check out the sequel. Woops, that didn't work. To this day, I still haven’t managed to sit through Exorcist II: The Heretic. I have read a few reviews that have highlighted the film’s good points but seriously, I find it interminably boring. I promise to give it another chance sometime (especially since Ennio Morricone did the score).
Now Exorcist III is where it’s at, y’all. I didn’t see this film until it had been around for quite a while. One of the last ma and pa video stores in Jupiter, Florida was going out of business and I managed to score this and Blue Velvet on VHS for $1 apiece. It was during this time period in my life when I would watch whatever few films I owned over and over again. My love for Blue Velvet eventually waned (stupid mechanical bird) but I still love Exorcist III. William Peter Blatty brought the pain by pretending that Exorcist II never happened and assaults the viewer with all kinds of crazy craziness. The film gets under your skin with some truly scary scenes and a severely angry George C. Scott yelling at people (and demons). Plus, Brad Dourif delivers one of the finest monologues of his career.
In 1998, The Exorcist came stumbling drunkenly back into my life and featured even more abominations. My girlfriend at the time and my best friend Scott were psyched beyond belief to catch the movie re-released in theaters. This was a very bittersweet experience. The film looked great but some new cheesy sound effects and digital touchups and outright lameness. When it came out on DVD dubbed as the ‘Version You’ve Never Seen’, I was pretty pissed off. Several of the film’s scariest bits are telegraphed to the audience via digital images hidden behind doors and slapped onto tense scenes that don’t fucking need any help being creepy. One thing I did learn about the original Exorcist is that the more I watch it, the more it scares me. Knowing what is coming next only makes the wait more unbearable. If anyone can tell me which Exorcist DVD does NOT have any of the digitally enhanced bullshit, please let me know and I'll buy it.
Somebody gave me a copy of Exorcist: The Beginning but I haven’t watched it yet. For some reason, I’m not in a hurry. Oh yeah, I know why: I’M TOO FREAKIN’ BUSY WATCHING ALL THE RIP-OFFS! I doubt I will ever be able to articulate what it is about all of the films that rip off the 1973 classic but for some reason, they fascinate me. First, it started with The Antichrist. This is one seriously demented film when a grown woman gets possessed by a demon and all kinds of Satanic hilarity ensues. Next came what is probably the best of the Exorcist clones, Beyond the Door, which has some very chilling and mind-bending moments of insanity. I also enjoyed the Spanish flavored Exorcism starring the great Paul Naschy.
The list of ‘good’ rip-offs is pretty short but the list of ‘bad’ yet entertaining is quite long. Here in the states, there is the blaxploitation take on the phenomena with Abby and the shaky Piper Laurie vehicle Ruby. Spanish horror genius Amando de Ossorio directed his own half-hearted attempt to cash in on the phenomenon with Demon Witch Child and some damn fool named Mario Gariazzo directed a dull monstrosity entitled The Eerie Midnight Horror Show (a title cooked up to get some of that Rocky Horror cash) starring the one and only Ivan Rassimov as the devil himself. This movie sucks but oh man, it is friggin’ outrageous. Uh oh, I’m starting to forget some of these. There’s one called Satan’s Wife that just came out on DVD this year and Werewolf Woman has some possession scenes in it that couldn’t have just happened on their own. You know?
I guess when it comes down to it, the original Exorcist is a lot of work for the viewer and is anything but a popcorn movie. It is a grueling film experience, a beautiful and painful endurance challenge that requires patience and a strong constitution. Plus it’s over 2 hours long! When I need my demonic possession fast and cheap (and trust me, I always do), I turn to the Italians (or the Spaniards). These films are a delicate balance between the genuinely scary and the delightfully tacky. I still have a special place in my heart for the original but nobody ever had a crisis of faith while watching The Eerie Midnight Horror Show! Well, I mean, I hope no one did because that would be some sad shit right there.
