Franco Friday 64: Dark Mission: Evil Flowers (1988)

Hey there, folks! Did you know that’s it’s been 9 years since a proper Franco Friday and 5 years since I’ve reviewed a Jess Franco film at all? It's all true. Sorry about that. I got a little distracted. Some more of Old Jess’s work has been popping up over the years that I had always been curious about, so here I am. My list of films isn’t very long, but I really felt like I needed to bring the randomness of our guy’s canon back into my life. You ready? I amn’t.

Dark Mission: Evil Flowers
Directed by Jesús Franco
Written by Jesús Franco, Georges Friedland
1988
Starring Christopher Lee, Christopher Mitchum, Richard Harrison, Cristina Higueras, Henri Lambert, Alicia Moro and Brigitte Lahaie
85 minutes

Even though his boss thinks he’s a drunk and a womanizer, soldier guy Derek Carpenter (Christopher Mitchum) is called in to identify and then capture or maybe assassinate -that part was unclear- a drug lord named Luis Morel (Christopher Lee), who’s hiding out in Spain. Derek must go undercover as a photographer doing a story about the effects of drugs on society to get close to his target. How is that going to work? On his flight, he meets the lovely Linda (Cristina Higueras), a fun-loving gal who might be the daughter of his target. Wouldn’t that be wild if she was?! 

The mission, which is already complicated enough, gets even more sticky when Derek is being saddled with two different sets of contacts, both from opposing (I think) sides, who want him to either do something or not. On the one hand you have blonde beauty Elena (Alicia Moro) and her boyfriend who have a connection to some soldiers who want him to take out Morel. On the other, you have blonde beauty Moira (Brigitte Lahaie) and her team of agents who want him to take out Morel. As Linda learns that her daddy might be a not nice man and her relationship with Derek is getting serious, the- Ooh! Look over there! Helicopters!

When this movies starts up, there’s a grating computer voice providing some heavy info on the life story of the drug lord to Chris Mitchum’s character for like three solid minutes. I said to myself: Maybe Franco Fridays should have stayed dead. But Chris Mitchum has a weirdly alien charm that I always dig, and Christopher Lee is totally on board with this slop, so I kept going. He and Miss Higueras have a decent father-daughter chemistry. I liked that quite a bit. Both actors really light up in their scenes together, hokey they may be. Speaking of chemistry, I wish there were more scenes of Richard Harrison berating Mitchum. The three that we get are very important.

Some of the music is decent. I liked the Latin-style nightclub pieces, and the lounge-y jazz crud scattered throughout this thing. I think there was also a drum solo played on a drum machine. Lovely! Some of the actors are dubbed, but the real magic comes from the actors who may or may not be speaking English phonetically. I did actually laugh out loud at a couple of the intentional jokes in the film though. So, bonus points there. What isn’t funny is the film’s half-assed attempts at an anti-drug message and worse still, the "ABC Afterschool Special" section completely wastes Antonio Mayans’s cameo as a rehab doctor who makes a very serious speech.

Dark Mission completely falls apart during the climactic battle between the ground forces and the helicopters, the footage of which I assume was from a totally different film. The whole sequence is super confusing and just about the biggest and most complete failure of film editing that I’ve seen in a long while. I mean, the stakes at this point were never super high because the plot is so muddy and the intrigue so damn mild. But jeez Louise, I had no clue what was happening onscreen other than explosions and stuff. The number of times this film switches aspect ratios from shot to shot during the climax is freakin' hilarious.

Overall, Dark Mission: Evil Flowers is a kinda bad but okay-ish timewaster (that has more than a few unintentional laughs) for a dull Sunday afternoon. I liked some of the locations and Franco sneaks in a bit of style, although most of the camerawork is pretty flat. However, seeing Brigitte Lahaie firing a machine gun that is almost as long as she is tall made me pump my fist in the air and cheer (literally). That woman is impossibly beautiful. She makes up for the shots of Mitchum trying to eat the faces of his female co-stars during kissing scenes. Speaking of sex and nudity, this film has none! Does that mean that this isn’t a Jess Franco film? See you next week! (Hopefully.)

My favorite quotes:

“Well, hello. Is this that vampy Cinderella who likes to take advantage of poor weary travelers?”

“Oh, where are you going, dream boy?!”

“You haven’t seen the worst of it.”

 

The Moviethon Vlog 48 - My Favorite Comedies

Franco Friday 63: My Top 20 Favorite Jess Franco Films

It has been far too long since I've had a Franco Friday on this blog and I was trying to think of a way to get back into it and get inspired to dig into more of the unseen-by-me work of Jess Franco. Even though the man's giant-sized career can be pretty perilous, I really miss exploring the unknown with Captain Jess at the helm. And so here I am with some list-making! Everyone loves to make lists of lists and this list should fill your listy heart. 

The following pile of film titles is in the order in which I thought of them and not a best to least or most leastest to mostest best order or anything like that. These have been human hand-selected by me from the 55 or so Jess Franco films that I have seen. My main goal is to make hardcore Francophiles mad at me, which is very easy to do, so mission already accomplished. Let's go!

Eugenie De Sade (1973) 

Of course, I thought of this one first. This is still my favorite Jess Franco film even with its wildly uncomfortable subject matter. It's just so jam packed with ennui and cold beauty that I just adore it. This is one of the achingly beautiful Soledad Miranda's best roles. And yes, Paul Muller is achingly beautiful too. Heart breaking and cruel in the most endearing way.

Oasis of the Zombies (1981)

And yes, this was the second film I thought of when I think of my Franco favorites. That's probably weird, right? I champion this languid crap, but I don't expect anybody out there to try and high five me when they read this. Perhaps Oasis of the Zombies is just for me. It sucks but in a uniquely Franconian way.

The Silence of the Tomb (1972/1976)

Jess Franco made a giallo? Heck yeah he did! He made a couple. This is a very, very low budget production with a solid cast and quite a mean streak. I'd watch just about anything with Montserrat Prous. Several of Franco's regulars (Kali Hansa!) are in this, and it just makes me happy. Plus, that title! Very charming, nihilistic, and listless (in a good way).

The Devil Came from Akasava (1971)

This silly spy thriller with sci-fi and fantasy overtones is just a hoot. The fact that it has thirteen cast and crew members in common with She Killed in Ecstasy (1971) is just mind-boggling to me. I like to think of this fluffy nonsense as the wacky B side to that film's brooding A side.

The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff (1973)

Do you like your William Berger with lettuce, tomato, and onions? Too bad, because this one is covered with cheese! Sinister Eyes is quite the strange little Orloff movie (a character that Jess Franco would return to many, many times). It's dreamy, weird, sad, and goofy. I love it.

Les ebranlées AKA Dolls For Sale (1972)

Now here is a film that I wish would get a Blu-ray. Howard Vernon playing a womanizing private eye must be seen to be believed. The whole film is kinda kooky, very trashy, and delivered through what feels like a drug-fueled haze.

Erotikill (1973) 

It's safe to assume that most fully licensed Jess Franco fans (let's just call them "Jess FANcos") will make fun of me for preferring the thrashed/neutered VHS version of Female Vampire, but I friggin' LOVE this version. The dubbing is straight up gold and the cruddy, washed out look makes this one ever so beautiful and claustrophobic. Lina Romay is diabolically sexy in this one.

Blue Rita (1977)

Speaking of films that are almost too weird to exist. If inflatable furniture and gooey alien sex slime are what you're craving, then Blue Rita is for you. You don't just watch this brightly colorful oddball gem, you insert it into your eyeholes. Hyper-stylized to a nearly impossible degree, Blue Rita is one that I highly doubt you will ever forget.

Dr. Orloff's Monster (1964)

This one gets under my skin in a way that is just lovely. It's perfectly filmed in stark black and while the pretty malaise is set to maximum power. The jazzy score combined with the gothic setting, taboo breaking eroticism, and somnambulitic plotting make Dr. Orloff's Monster a fine example of Franco's early work that show the promise of things to come.

A Virgin Among the Living Dead (1973)

I can't even put this one into words other than to say that THIS is 100% essential Jess Franco. You need to see this one yesterday or sooner. The Queen of the Night is waiting...

Vampyros Lesbos (1971) 

My first Franco will always be a favorite. Could I have chosen a more perfect title as my first? I certainly don't think so! Is the THE BEST Jess Franco film? Definitely not, but timing is everything, especially when you're a burgeoning Euro-horror freako. Also, it has the whole bag of Franco's tricks in one colorful and dreamy package. Get it!

Daughter of Dracula (1972)

I love this one even though it's decidedly lower tier Franco. But it's lower tier Franco from my favorite period of his work, so it's pretty great. As usual, Anne Libert steals the movie even when she's just sitting on a wall looking intense. Walk or crawl but definitely don't run to watch this beautiful failure.

Rites of Frankenstein (1973) 

Wait a minute! Isn't this supposed to be called The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein? I don't have that version. I have the sex free Image Entertainment DVD, which is an English dub of the (probably Spanish) censored version. I did not seek out this version on purpose, I swear. It just happened. This is a great example of the power of good old Jess. Even though this film has been chopped up to hell, it still captured my imagination. It's wonderful.

Faceless (1988)

Here's another one of Franco's attempts to change with the times and bring the gore to a story he'd made over and over again. This remake of Eyes Without a Face (1960) is a well that Jess would nearly run dry, but damn, this one is very unique. Tacky 80s bullshit to make your pores leak blood while you cackle at the ecstatic stupidity. Brigitte Lahaie, Caroline Munro, Florence Guérin, and Lina Romay in the same movie?! Need I say any more?

Kiss Me Monster (1969)

Could Jess Franco do comedy? Of course he could! He could do anything. Don't let anyone tell you this isn't a party movie. They don't know how to party. This is one of my absolute favorites and a fine example of the power of cinema to make you feel good for no reason. Heartily and sillily -how is "sillily" not a real word?- recommended.

Bloody Moon (1981)

If not for the actual onscreen murder of a snake, this would be a perfect Euro-slasher. This film's bloody and trashy excesses are only matched by how ridiculous its story and English dubbing are. I strongly recommend Bloody Moon, but as soon as you see that snake, hide your eyes. And that's not a euphemism!

Venus in Furs (1969)

Sing it with me folks: VENUS IN FURS WILL BE SMILIN'! Another absolute banger from the master. I am almost comically overdue for a rewatch of this film. I've only seen it once(!), but it has stayed with me for years now. This plot is uh... familiar if you've ever seen a Jess Franco film, but whatever, it's great. Get ready to get buried under a mountain of jazzy style.

Night of the Skull (1974)

Another bargain basement Franco giallo and a period piece to boot! This may be cheap, but it fits the mold of the thrillers of the time perfectly. The killer's mask will embarrass you. It embarrasses everyone. You're gonna love it. Carlo Savina's music is probably the most expensive thing this movie has going for it. Worth a look because I genuinely dig this film, but maybe watch this before you get to some of the other classics. I wouldn't save this one for later.

The Other Side of the Mirror (1973)

I'm putting this one on here to remind myself to watch it again. Cheers to my pal David Ladd for getting me the non-porn version finally. The only copy I had for years was the terrible French (I think) version with unrelated genitals cut in to make a spicier cut. That version truly did this masterfully depressing, artful, and nuanced melodrama a disservice. Emma Cohen and Alice Arno? Need I say more?

She Killed in Ecstasy (1971) 

Going out on a high note here, folks. This is one of those movies that sits proudly on my shelves, but every time I see it sitting there, I get too excited to watch it. Soledad Mirana fucking owns this one and this film just makes me angry that she died so damn young. What a nightmare. Life sucks. Oops, sorry. Anyway, this languid, melancholic, and kinky masterpiece is an excellent example of why film is an awesome medium. Strongly recommended.

My Horror Shelfie 43 - From Night Screams to Nosferatu the Vampyre

My Horror Shelfie 42 - From Neon Maniacs To Night School

My Favorite First Time Watches Of 2024

Hey there, my friends. It's that time again. For an entire year, I wrote down every single one of my first time watches, and now it's time to blab about my favey faves. As usual, there is no ranking to this list. It's just a big old pile of movies and it's up to you to rank them from best to worst on your time. Not my time. Your time. This is my LetterBLOGxd account.

Before you read on, be sure to take a gander at my little book that I released at the beginning of this year called Giallo Meltdown 2 or any of these fun cameos I did on other people's cool shows this year. Like this one or this one or this one or this one. Anyway, I am so grateful that you are here and I hope you enjoy this blogging blog.

Cuckoo (2024)

I know I said I wasn't going to rank this list but here's my favorite film of the year! I was so totally blown away by Luz (2018) that I was up for pretty much anything that writer/director Tilman Singer had in his pocket. Cuckoo is a gorgeous, intense, and totally freakin' weird horror movie/sci-fi thriller. Some folks were put off by how the mechanics of what is going in this film are never explained, but I couldn't care less. Give me the strange, please. I can't wait to watch this one again.

Don't Look Up (1996)

From director Hideo Nakata and writer Hiroshi Takahashi comes this spooky gem that gave me some hair-raising frights. But it's not just another long-haired lady ghost horror movie from the classic late 90s/early 00s Japanese horror boom, Don't Look Up is also about the magic of filmmaking. Where is the damn Blu-ray for this one?!

The Blue Jean Monster (1991)

I hope that I never run out of Hong Kong comedy horror films to discover. This one is completely crazy, endlessly entertaining, and very stupid. You can read my full review right here.

Lovers Lane (2000)

Speaking of stuff that I didn't know existed. Literally a month before the Arrow Video Blu-ray was announced, I was like "How have I never heard of this slasher? Dang it, I want to see that!" And then there it was. Lovers Lane is a barely functional slasher that is as cheap as it is lovable.

The Devil Rides Out (1968)

This film had been eluding me for years and I kept hearing from my bud Brad that it was great, so I finally made time to give it a whirl. And boy oh boy, am I glad that I did! The Devil Rides Out is Hammer Films firing on all cylinders. Christopher Lee and Charles Gray are absolutely perfect here. If this satanic horror classic isn't already on your list to check out, I highly recommend you add it.

Seedpeople (1992)

I knew that Full Moon Pictures was gonna bring it, and they certainly did with Seedpeople. This is delightfully daft and a lot of fun. The effects are imaginative and if you like a goofy monster movie, you're gonna have a blast. This film would make a great pairing with some friends and some alcohol or something.

Bloodmoon (1990)

Oh, Australia, I knew you had my back. Bloodmoon is completely friggin' crazy. It's a slasher with some hilarious performances AND a lot of schmaltz AND cheese. Highly recommended if you think you've seen every slasher from the tail end of the classic era.

Death on the Nile (1978)

Remember that new version of Death on the Nile from 2022? I sure don't! LeEtta and I watch a lot of Agatha Christie, and yet this version was unknown to us. This is some star-studded throwback to old Hollywood from the director of King Kong (1976). If you love a stacked cast and a fun mystery, then you are gonna love this one. 

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (1988)

Holy heck. Speaking of films I should have watched AGES AGO. I was doing Pedro Almodóvar dirty by thinking I knew who he was and that I'd seen a couple of his films. Nope! I was just confused. Anyway, there are no words to describe how much I loved this film. It's an astoundingly beautiful comedy that is just wild as all get out. A must see.

Top Line (1988)

Director Nello Rossati could make some oddball trash films and Top Line is no exception. This Franco Nero vehicle is an action, adventure, and sci-fi mashup that is certifiably brain melting. Do whatever you can to avoid looking at trailers, screenshots, or plot stuff on IMDB. If you like Italian junk, just go into this one blind. Now I feel as though I need to see Rossati's Django Strikes Back (1987) which also features Nero, natch.

Longlegs (2024)

If y'all know me then you knew that Longlegs was gonna be on this list. What an absolutely horrific treat from Osgood Perkins. I'm curious to see if this one will have the rewatchability factor that both I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016) and Gretel & Hansel (2020) have for me. This one sunk into my skin quite deep, but I need a while before I see it again. Otherwise, this might have ranked higher. BUT that being said, I totally loved the hell out of it.

Shin Kamen Rider: Prologue (1992)

I talked about this sci-fi horror monsterpiece in my INV4SIAN wrap-up a few months ago. This one has everything you could ever want from a badass tokusatsu film and more! This is an hour and a half of magic. Seek it out.

Reibyo densetsu (1983)

I have seen Nobuhiko Ôbayashi films that have confused me and made my eyes explode, but I've never seen one that I didn't love. There's nothing about this film that isn't wonderful, dreamy, eccentric, and damn near perfect. It's a celebration of old timey horror movies and a throwback to the early days of movie making. Would make an excellent double feature with Don't Look Up (1996). 

Black Narcissus (1947) and The Red Shoes (1948)

I needed to check these two masterpieces off my list of arthouse shame, and here we are. If you require the power of pure cinema and will accept nothing less than the best, then get these two films in your face now. Directors Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger must have sold their damn souls to the devil to produce back to back works such as these. Hopefully, you already know these and are wondering how the heck I hadn't seen them before! Breathtaking.

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (1983)

Did you want more Ôbayashi? So did I! This nostalgic little slice of brilliance is almost too beautiful to look at. It's as sweet as it is experimental. I would love to know how influential this film was on Japanese cinema and especially on anime. Superb.

The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

Speaking of Hammer Films, I have to share my shame here. I totally thought that I'd seen this one before for a long time. The Revenge of Frankenstein (1958) was the one I have seen multiple times and every time I watched that I would assume that I had seen its predecessor. Incorrect! Just five minutes in to Curse I was like "Hold on! This is all new to me! Wut?" Anyway, I would be a fool not to adore this all-timer. Don't tell anyone that my Hammer horror ignorance is showing. 

The Visitants (1986)

I have to close out this list with something that feels like it was made just for me. Rick Sloane, the director of Hobgoblins (1988), wrote, directed, and co-produced this oddball sci-fi/comedy crud and I just adored it so much. It's not good. When it was over, I looked at LeEtta and said, "Well, we've watched shitty Rocky Horror." She agreed. If you're looking for something bad but imaginative and weird to pair with The Midnight Hour (1985) next Halloween season, then give this one a look.

Here's a list of a bunch of other films I strongly enjoyed:

- The Eternal Daughter (2022)
- Where the Boys Are (1960)
- Thelma (2024)
- Slithis (1978)
- Late Night with the Devil (2023)
- Lisa Frankenstein (2024)
- Sailor Suit and Machine Gun (1981)
- I Saw the TV Glow (2024)
- Dragons Forever (1988)
- Wicked Little Letters (2023)
- Flesh and Fantasy (1943)
- MaXXXine (2024)
- Charade (1963)
- Fatal Games (1984)
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023)
- Rabid Grannies (1988)
- Eating Raoul (1982)
- Killer Fish (1979)

Worst things I watched this year:

- The Curse of the Screaming Dead (1982) - Brutally boring.
- Hansel and Gretel (1990) - Dull and flat Italian crud.
- Full Moon High (1981) - Unfunny disaster of a comedy.
- Hana no asuka gumi! (1988) - Overly long and directionless.
- Blood Suckers (1971) - An un-entertaining mess.
- The Defilers (1965) - Gross and ugly.
- Rent-a-Cop (1987) - Not even Liza can save this.
- The Crow: Salvation (2000) - What was that?!