THE INVASIAN: Mad Monkey Kung-Fu (1979)

 

Each armed with half of a wooden key, two criminals (played by Siu-Tung Ching and Chiu-Sing Hau respectively) escape from jail in search of a treasure left behind by a kung-fu master. The treasure is not gold, silver, or bitcoins. In fact, it’s an old manuscript on the monkey style of martial arts. Before they can go up to the mountains to train properly, our shady heroes must go on the run from a pole-wielding villain named Tung Hak-Fung and his henchmen. If they don’t learn this new style soon and go ape together, they’re gonna wind up very dead.

After the incredibly colorful opening credits, I suspected that Monkey Kung Fu AKA Stroke of Death (1979) was going to be a stone-cold (if minor) classic. So far as I know, this is my first time encountering director Mar Lo. There’s never a dull moment and there’s a plethora of clever and fun fight sequences. I really appreciate the filmmakers’ restraint by not having any monkey screeches on the soundtrack or someone in a guerilla costume monkeying around. The comedy is restrained but the training montages are not. Monkey Kung Fu is a real charmer. Highly recommended.

THE INVASIAN: Elegant Beast (1962)

 

Tomoko (Yûko Hamada) and her brother Minoru (Manamitsu Kawabata) are bad kids! They lie constantly and they cheat everyone they meet. But that’s okay for their parents, because they taught them how! Mom and dad, ex-soldier Tokizo Maeda (Yûnosuke Itô) and his wife Yoshino (Hisano Yamaoka), are a pair of slimeballs that have moved into the apartment that Tomoko’s lover Shuntaro (Kyû Sazanka) pays for. Joke’s on him because he thought he would have a little love nest just for he and Tomoko. [sad trombone]. And that’s just the beginning of Tokizo and company’s insane schemes of blackmail and chicanery. But has the Maeda family finally met their match in the form of Minoru’s calculating lover Yukie (Ayako Wakao)?

Movies about bad people can be tricky. It’s easy to make the viewer wants to grab a machine gun, jump inside the film, and start blasting away at the baddies. For me, that film would be The Crucible (1996). But it’s much better when I actually WANT to spend 90 minutes with the bastards. I want movie villains to be sexy, charming, or funny and the ones in director Yûzô Kawashima’s film called Elegant Beast (1962), manage to be all three; if not all at the same time. Sorry, Yûnosuke Itô, you’re not one of the sexy ones to me, you’re hot in your own way!

Stagey due to its origins as a stage play, Elegant Beast never feels stilted. The amount of work that went into making this film as dynamic and precise as it could be is pretty mind-blowing. This film gives me the joy of watching master filmmakers at work. For you fans of Japanese horror out there, writer Kaneto Shindô, who also penned the play this film was adapted from, would go on to both write and direct two masterpieces of the genre, Onibaba (1964) and Black Cat (1968). Cinematographer Nobuo Munekawa does a hero’s job of never letting this single setting film from ever getting stagnant.

The cast in Elegant Beast is just incredible. Yûnosuke Itô and Hisano Yamaoka are perfectly cast as the (Demented) Parents of the Year. Their cardinal rule for the house is simple: We don’t care if you cheat the world but bring the money home for the family. The way they spend the opening credit sequence staging their apartment to look poorer than they are is pure genius. And the ways that they stay one step ahead of everyone they’re ripping off is a hoot. Yûko Hamada, who I know best from The Snake Girl and the Silver-Haired Witch (1968), is as gorgeous as she is delightful to watch being oh so bad onscreen.

Elegant Beast is a lovely film about a bunch of assholes who rip off garbage people (aside from that one poor sap). It’s hard to make the Maeda’s out to be the villains when everyone in their universe just sucks! The setting is intentionally drab (a welcome explosion of color at sunset notwithstanding), but the characters are certainly not. The mix of neorealism and the surreal makes this clever and darkly humorous tale a real treat for Japanese arthouse fans. Sadly, Kawashima died at the age of 45, and we can only imagine what more great films might have come from this incredibly talented director.

THE INVASIAN: House of Terrors (1965)

 

Yoshie (Yûko Kusunoki) receives news that her husband has died under mysterious circumstances. Then she finds out that he had a mistress AND even had a creepy old villa out in the middle of nowhere that she’s inherited. You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and then you have… the [Japanese] facts of life. A major selling point of this real estate Yoshie has been death-gifted is that it comes with a hunchbacked servant (Akira Nishimura), whose name may or may not be Igor. She’s in her new/old creepy ass domicile for about 5 minutes before the spooky sounds and weird visions and unexplained deaths begin.

Much like another black and white Japanese horror film I absolutely love called The Snake Girl and the Silver-Haired Witch (1968), House of Terrors (1965) reminds of reading horror manga from the likes of Kazuo Umezu. Director Hajime Satô would go on to direct another bizarre horror masterpiece called Goke, Body Snatcher from Hell (1968). But with this film, he’s firing on all cylinders bringing the eerie and naughty screenplay by Hajime Takaiwa to life. Takaiwa was a very prolific screenwriter that wrote in pretty much every genre you can think of. Based on this little gem, I wish he’d done more horror!

There’s not enough Japanese horror on disc and we need to cherish every one one of these classics as they come out. House of Terrors is an essential work of Japanese horror cinema with its joyously convoluted plot, over-the-top madness (and horniness) of the characters, and deliciously filmed gothic setpieces. There’s almost as many cobwebs as there are constant screams from the characters! I bet you all of my wealth that House of Terrors pairs beautifully with Hiroki Matsuno’s The Living Skeleton (1968). Do you dare to find out for yourself? Are you prone to the heebie jeebies? Don’t you want a chance to win my fortune (which is actually just a creepy old house and an Igor)? Some restrictions apply.

THE INVASIAN: The Seventh Curse (1986)

I managed to sneak onto my pal Dan's podcast to talk about a Hong Kong horror classic! If you haven't seen The Seventh Curse (1986) before, then I urge you to give it a whirl. It is one of the wildest Asian horror/action/fantasy mish mash films ever made. I am very confident you will dig it. And don't forget to listen the episode:

Check it out here!

THE INVASIAN: Silk (2006)

 

Tung, played by Chang Chen, is a police sharpshooter/lipreader invited to join a team of paranormal investigators led by the mysterious Dr. Hashimoto (Yôsuke Eguchi). They have found the ghost of a young boy and are trying to figure out the source of his power. This spirit can kill people almost instantly and the team does almost literally nothing to save the lives of his victims. Woops! Things get more complicated when another spirit shows up causing all kinds of mayhem. The film includes a drunk guy peeing through a ghost, so maybe this is a must-see for you. I don't know. I'm not judging you.

"I can't believe it! Who ever heard of dying from eating noodles?"

This is an interesting Taiwanese horror, sci-fi, and action movie hybrid from director Chao-Bin Su. Silk is quite an ambitious movie with an inventive plot so elaborate that everything just gets goofy near the climax. My biggest complaints are for the schmaltzy moments which are anything but subtle and the 108 minute running time. Ten minutes of this could have easily been trimmed out without affecting the emotional impact at all. I miss the days when it seemed like every Asian horror film seemed to have an abrupt, out-of-nowhere ending.

THE INVASIAN: 2LDK (2003)

 

 

Roommates Rana (Maho Nonami) and Nozomi (Eiko Koike) are actresses competing for the same role in an upcoming film. Nozomi is a softspoken and polite stage actress and this part will be her big film debut. Rana is a loud and opinionated former child star who ain’t freakin’ naïve about the film business. She needs this part to set up the rest of her career. Whichever studio exec thought that these two should share an apartment is either an idiot or a sadist. Petty squabbles over energy drinks and shampoo escalate into full blown war. Did I mention that their apartment is full of sharp objects? It’s snobs versus slobs and the only winner can be… the audience.

I recommend director Yukihiko Tsutsumi’s other horror film called Siren (2006). It’s not great, but it’s a creepy little timewaster. I’ve been looking for his haunted middle school film called Hanako of the Toilet (1998). What? Don’t be weird okay! You need to get your mind out of the gutter and into the toilet! Both of this film’s leading ladies have gone on to amazing careers in both television and film with nearly 200 credits between the two of them.

What’s the deal with roommates? [taps on microphone] Hey, is this thing on? Unearthed Films brought this little obscurity out of the budget Asian horror DVD pile. I’ve always been a fan of this film, but I rarely hear people talking about it. The little details that ratchet up the tension, the inventive camerawork, the pitch-black humor, the excellent script, and the bonkers escalating violence make 2LDK worth checking out. I say give it a look!

THE INVASIAN: Bio-Zombie (1998)

 

Woody Invincible (Jordan Chan) and Crazy Bee (Sam Lee) are two losers who would give Beavis and Butthead a run for their money. They run a bootleg DVD shop in a mall and spend their days scamming, robbing, mooching, bullying, and harassing both customers and their fellow mall workers alike. They’re terrible dudes, but when a biological weapon that turns people into zombies is unleashed in their little corner of the world, they become unlikely heroes. Sort of.

Director Wilson Yip has had quite an interesting career since Bio-Zombie (1998). He has gone the action movie route and directed the wildly successful Ip Man (2008) and it’s three sequels. At the time of this review, he’s in the pre-production stages on a kung-fu zombie film. You know I will watch the heck out of that. Also, I’m morbidly curious to see his 2011 remake of A Chinese Ghost Story (1987), which I can’t imagine being very good. If I’m wrong about that, I will eat some finger sushi. Anyway, back to Bio-Zombie.

Good old Sam Lee is a riot in this movie. I’m a big fan of another horror comedy he starred in called The Stewardess (2002). It’s zanier than Bio-Zombie and is worth seeking out for some silly and just plain wrong insanity. Lee’s pairing with Jordan Chan is truly inspired as the two have a brilliant chemistry. They’re slime, but they’re also sweet. And who doesn’t love movies about sweet slime? I really like the super cute and funny Angela Ying-Ying Tong as a beautician named Rolls(?), even when she pukes on Woody’s shirt. He still wants to kiss her shortly afterwards! You know what? He’s a good guy.

It feels so good to be transported back to the days when I first discovered the magic and the madness of Hong Kong horror movies. My brain was hungry for the extreme and wide open for the weird. While not as totally unhinged or perverse as films like The Eternal Evil of Asia (1995), Wicked City (1992), or a dozen other key titles that I discovered in the early 2000s, Bio-Zombie has its own unpredictable energy and kooky sensibility. I will confess that nostalgia plays a big part in why I enjoy this one so much, but you’re gonna dig it.

If you’re into Hong Kong horror or even mildly curious about it, Bio-Zombie is a must see. The kinetic camerawork, physical comedy, goofy energy of the cast, tacky colors of the shopping mall setting, and the zombie action are quite a satisfying combination. All of the usual tropes are covered along the way, but somehow Yip’s film still feels as fresh as it did the first time I saw it all those years ago. Dawn of the Dead? More like Dawn of the Dumb! Amirite?!

THE INVASIAN: A Haunted Turkish Bathhouse (1975)

Yukino (Naomi Tani) is stuck working in a bathhouse (AKA brothel) because of her utterly worthless and downright evil husband Toriyama (Kôji Fujiyama). Things only get worse when her younger sister Mayumi (Misa Ohara) shows up to live with the couple and even worser than that, Yukino reveals to her dirtbag hubbie that she is pregnant. Toriyama decides that it’s easier to just kill his wife and wall her up in the cellar than it is to not be a garbage person. Now that he’s free to run the bathhouse, he thinks he’s got it made. Luckily, Yukino’s ghost comes back and wrecks shit.

Leave it to Toei Company to make a film that is as fun to watch as it is miserable to sit through. Their knack at combining a hyper-stylized feast for the eyes with depressing subject matter into the same film is actually pretty amazing. The eye-popping supernatural (and very bloody) shenanigans and bawdy comedy are welcome breaks from the rape and torture Yukino and Mayumi go through. They dare to dream beyond a life of sex work and the shitty male-dominated society they find themselves in bends over backwards to keep them in their place. Ugh, I need a drink.

While he’s normally credited as a producer, Hiroshi Babauchi composed some wild music for this film with some crazy synthesizer freakouts paired with jazzy drums. So yeah, my eyes and ears are happy, but my mind is not. A Haunted Turkish Bathhouse (1975) is a rough beauty. Sort of, kind of recommended, I guess. While the fiery finale of this film gave me some Suspiria (1977) vibes, I still prefer director Kazuhiko Yamaguchi’s less rapey trash classic Wolf Guy, released the same year.

The INVASIAN: The Gambling Ghost (1991)

Down on his luck gambling addict, Fatty (Sammo Kam-Bo Hung), gets entangled in a dangerous web of gangsters and thieves when the ghost of his grandfather asks him to get revenge against the descendant of his murderer. The Gambling Ghost has lots of laughs and plenty of action. My favorite scene is when Fatty pretends to be a ghost to skip out of paying cab fare. Hoi Mang of Zu: Warriors from the Magic Mountain (1983) is excellent as Fatty's sidekick.

Sadly, everything falls apart for me during one of the big climactic fight scenes when a megaton racist bomb goes off. While fighting Robert Samuels, Sammo Hung's character makes some hideous comment about his hair and his skin, and it really made my heart sink. It's a shame too because this movie is a lot of fun, but I just feel bad for Samuels who put up with it and I'm ashamed at the filmmakers who thought it was a good idea. So yeah, fuck this movie.

THE INVASIAN: Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman (2007)

 

The urban legend of a murderous ghost woman with a huge, horrible slash across her mouth and who wields a comedically large pair of scissors turns out to be true! This terrifying monster has been kidnapping children, but what is her motivation? If I’m going to be a villain in a horror movie, then I want a freakin’ earthquake to announce my presence to my victims like this lady. And that face! Who doesn’t love that face that gets burned into your mind when they finally show it?

Director and Jack-of-all-trades Kôji Shiraishi has been consistently churning out horror movies for years with Noroi: The Curse (2005) being his best work that I’ve seen. I love how he and screenwriter Naoyuki Yokota added depth to an already frightening, but one note urban legend. Even if the film’s plot elements of child abuse and child endangerment are difficult pills (or pairs of scissors) to swallow, they feel like they’re coming from a real place. While The Slit-Mouthed Woman is very unsettling, it’s more grim and depressing than scary. It’s definitely worth a watch, but be prepared to be bummed out afterwards.

THE INVASIAN: A Time Slip of 10000 Years: Prime Rose (1983)

  

Two huge pieces of land just disappear from both the United States and Japan. An alien who looks like Spock has transported the people living there 10,000 years into the future and is forcing them into slave labor. Now it’s up to the sword-swingin’ Emiya to rescue them! Is she up to this task? Not quite, but don’t worry. Once she gets her rigorous training from a master swordsman, she’s good to go. Also, there’s a dragon. I think.

Even though I just watched this, I really had to struggle just now to remember what it was about. Fan service, relentless plot silliness, lots of action, and an annoying sidekick make Prime Rose kinda fun. This film overstays its welcome for about 10 minutes or so, but it gives me that wistful false memory nostalgia I crave. If I had seen this back in the 90s when all that was available was bottom of the barrel crap at Blockbuster Video, I would most certainly have had a very warm space in my heart for it.

“Crud! Is this the end?”

In my continuing efforts to dig deep and mine more and more 1980s anime, I stumbled upon this minor gem -okay, gem might be too strong of a word- that I had never heard of. Prime Rose comes from Satoshi Dezaki, director of Grey Digital Target (1986) and a couple of the Urusei Yatsura feature films. This one was adapted from manga legend Osamu Tezuka’s 1982 story. The animation was handled by Magic Bus anime studio which has too many credits to even get into. Let’s just say you’ve very likely seen some of their work at some point.