Joe Bob Briggs Goes to the Drive-In

We are drive-in mutants.
We are not like other people.
We are sick.
We believe in blood,
In breasts,
And in beasts.
We believe in Kung Fu City.
If life had a vomit meter,
We'd be off the scale.
As long as one single drive-in
Remains on the planet Earth,
We will party like jungle animals,
We will boogie till we puke.
Heads will roll.
The drive-in will never die.
Amen.

"The Drive-In Oath" by Joe Bob Briggs (page 314)



Though it has what is probably the ugliest cover in my entire book collection, I cannot show enough love for Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In. This collection of Joe Bob Briggs' (real name: John Bloom) best drive-in movie reviews from his syndicated column in the early to mid 1980s is fun as hell to read and provides a marvelous snapshot of the ridiculous films available to the drive-in crowds back in the day.

The author's knack for satire is amazing as he skewers pop culture and especially political correctness by reveling in his backwards redneck persona. Prepare to laugh and be shocked by some of the wildly offensive things Briggs was able to get away with until he got fired from the Dallas Times Herald. He documents his termination from the paper as being killed and draws parallels to the JFK assassination.

As a moviethoner, I can't help but feel inspired by the insane dedication Briggs has for his beloved drive-in theaters. Damn it, that cover really is pretty awful. I think the concept of John Bloom standing on the cover with his alter ego is probably the lamest idea ever thought up by any human being ever. Okay, maybe it's not that bad. Used copies of Joe Bob Briggs Goes to the Drive-In and its sequel, Joe Bob Goes Back to the Drive-In, are available for next to nothing on Amazon. Richard of Doomed Moviethon says check it out.

Maneater of Hydra

Maneater of Hydra
AKA La Isla de la Muerte
Directed by Mel Welles
Released: 1967
Starring Cameron Mitchell, George Martin, Elisa Montés, Rolf von Nauckhoff, Matilde Muñoz Sampedro, Kai Fischer, Hermann Nehlsen
Running Time: 88 minutes
DVD Studio: Shout! Factory

A group of tourists travel to an island to see its exotic botanicals. There they meet Baron von Weser (played by Cameron Mitchell), a reclusive scientist studying rare horticulture and experimenting with crossbreeding dangerous varieties of plants. One of the Baron’s creations is draining the blood of human beings (through a small hole in their cheek) and the tourists are dying one by one.

Mel Welles, the genius behind the inexplicably amazing Lady Frankenstein directs this junky little number. The lame and predictable dialogue is goofily dubbed and the storyline is totally generic monster movie pseudoscientific hokum. The worst scene in the movie features all the characters shouting about who or what is to blame for the recent killings. Most importantly however, Maneater of Hydra has a beautiful mansion, an exotic locale and a windstorm that never seems to let up.

Our cast of characters is headed up by total spazzoid Cameron Mitchell (a man who inspires great love and hatred in me) of Blood and Black Lace and Minnesota Clay. Cora Robertson (Czechoslovakian actress Kai Fischer) is a hot bag of cleavage in heat. The lovely and sweet Beth is played by Elisa Montés who would show up in Jess Franco’s 99 women. The most irritating character is the shrill and terrible Myrtle Callihan who shrieks and complains about everything. Trust me on this one: she should have been the first to die.

While Maneater of Hydra is strictly non-essential viewing (thanks mostly to some dull bits), it’s still a good time for a very boring Sunday afternoon (or a Saturday with a head cold (which is how I viewed it)). The way the creature sucks blood from people is pretty disgusting and the animated opening titles are just splendid. Plus, the climax is quite outrageous and very bloody.

“It looks like a cucumber but it tastes just like meat! Perfectly extraordinary!”

“I’m sorry but you were about to touch my giant… gardenias.”



While this film’s sketchy European origins (both Spain and Germany) are a big draw for me, I just had to get my hands on this DVD due to the presence of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. The presentation on this disc contains Elvira’s original hecklings from her “Movie Macabre” show. I consider it nothing short of a miracle that Shout! Factory DVD has released these amazing pieces of cheesy nostalgia. Even though Maneater of Hydra looks like garbage (full frame and full of scratches), I can’t see how restoration would help this horror dud in any way. Be sure to get the double feature with the excellent Spanish film The House that Screamed on the other disc.

Commander USA Raps & More

In my childhood, the holy trinity of horror hosts was Elvira, Joe Bob Briggs, and Commander USA. If there were any local horror hosts in my area at the time then I didn't know of their existence. Commander USA was the most unusual (and the corniest) of the big three and I never missed an episode. Or at least I thought I had never missed one. Dear God, look at that freakin' rap clip above. It delivers a special kind of pain. Thanks to the kind soul who has placed all of this great Commander USA stuff up on Youtube.

Halloween Special:

Profoundly Disturbing

You know who I completely forgot about? Joe Bob Briggs! How is that even possible? A couple of weeks ago, I managed to fight my way through Blood Sisters, a really pitiful slasher directed by Roberta Findlay. When it was over, I decided to check out Joe Bob’s audio commentary track. I ended up sitting through the entire movie all over again. The track was informative, especially about Findlay’s career and it was friggin’ hilarious. After it was over, I immediately pursued more Joe Bob, which led me to his book, Profoundly Disturbing.

In Profoundly Disturbing, Briggs examines 15 underground films that changed the world of cinema forever: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Mom and Dad, Creature from the Black Lagoon, And God Created Woman, The Curse of Frankenstein, Blood Feast, The Wild Bunch, Shaft, Deep Throat, The Exorcist, Isla: She-Wolf of the SS, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Drunken Master, Reservoir Dogs, and David Cronenberg’s Crash. He delivers a mountain of information regarding the production of these films as well as their critical reception but Briggs always manages to keep it interesting.

I was a little disappointed in the brevity of the Wild Bunch chapter only because after reading that amazing Peckinpah biography (If They Move . . . Kill 'Em!: The Life and TImes of Sam Peckinpah), I can never get enough Sam Peckinpah. I was a little confused about Drunken Master’s inclusion in the book only because I couldn’t figure out how it was profoundly disturbing. Even after reading the chapter (which was a good read by the way), I still don’t know. The most profoundly disturbing chapter however is the one on Deep Throat. The stories about how the most infamous porno of the 70s came to be and the troubled life of its star are pretty twisted. Reservoir Dogs gets the longest chapter mainly because Quentin Tarantino is a jackass and needs lots of explaining.

My biggest complaint about Profoundy Disturbing is that, even at 250 pages, I still want more. This book could be 50 of the most shocking films of all time and I’d be just as fascinated. For all the list-makers, there is a wrap-up at the end of each chapter called “For Further Disturbance” where Briggs spouts off another couple of dozen related films to check out. I highly recommend Profoundly Disturbing to all burgeoning film buffs out there and oh yes, you can be sure that I will be seeking out more Joe Bob Briggs books in the near future.