Creature

Creature
Directed by William Malone
Released: 1985
Starring Stan Ivar, Wendy Schaal, Lyman Ward, Robert Jaffe, Diane Salinger, Klaus Kinski
Running Time: 97 minutes

In this blatant Alien ripoff, we find that as man reaches deeper and deeper into space, more and more alien species will be found especially mean and parasitic ones. A spaceship led by Ferris Bueller’s dad is traveling to Titan for some reason. William Malone directed this wacky flick. He went on to do FeardotCom. Yes, he’s that good.

Ladies please, fire the fucking makeup team. Every woman in this film looks like collateral damage from a Mary Kay terrorist attack. Whoa, I’m digging on this freaky woman named Bryce (played by Diane Salinger). She’s the tag along soldier for hire who might just turn out to be an android later. I think I have weird taste in my space chicks.

Ah yes, we’ve got a whole bunch of space science gobbledygook; that is just what I needed. If this crew had seen the awful substandard equipment on the ship they were piloting, they would never have signed up for this gig. The ship does make random Star Wars sound effects for no reason. Ha ha, look how relieved Beth (Wendy Schaal) is when they land. That is not a good sign. Oops, they didn’t land on solid ground and now they’re wrecked.

The crew finds the wrecked ship they were looking for with a bunch of dead bodies on it. Then they are accosted by a monster and proceed to piss it off by shooting it with their ineffective weapons. Ancient alien technology looks like plexiglass tubes with blue neon zigzagging through it. Very pretty. For God’s sake, get it together, Beth! The captain (played by Stan Ivar) needs you to do some sciencey stuff so they can get the ship repaired and get off this shitty moon.

While badass Bryce is stripping down to her black undies, we get a super sweet surprise with a German goofball named Hans Rudy Hofner. Herr Hofner is played by none other than Klaus Kinski. So the alien parasite is using the dead bodies of their friends to take over the ship. Hey wait, this is a Planet of the Vampires rip-off more than an Alien rip-off.

My wife points out that it is also ripping off John Carpenter’s The Thing. Instead of the intense blood-testing scene, the dudes notice that their buddy isn't sweating. Wow, that is some riveting and intense stuff right there. Since this is extremely gory and cheesy as hell, I’m totally okay with all of this. Shit, never mind, I just saw our space creature and it is a pathetic copy of Giger’s design that likes to chew on people's necks. Wow.

Klaus Kinski has collected his paycheck and fled the set. His zombified character will now be played by a guy who doesn’t look like him in some lame makeup. Okay, the script references The Thing from Another World. We think the creature is dead so everyone starts poking it with their gun barrels and even Beth starts kicking the dang thing. The shit ain’t dead, you cretins, we haven’t hit 90 minutes yet.